THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.2 / 10 
8: An Intelligence Test... Failed
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Now, Gentle Dawson File Reader, some of you I know, most of you I do not - although I feel, in some kind of mysterious way that I do know each and every one of you. I feel sure, for example, that if you and a whole heap of friends, loved ones and grotesque hangers-on decided to go see a concert - even if it was a concert by a band of self-important and tedious ubercool shells of people - if y'all went to see such a concert it would be child's play for even the most feeble-minded of your pack to enter the concert hall, find your way to the seat allocated to you, sit and listen to the ubercool people and then, at the end of the evening, go to somebody's home for the evening. What, after all, could be simpler?
Well, let's just see how our favourite gang of Bostonians went about this challenge, shall we?
"... how I love that man, idiotic goatee and all ..."
It is not important where they all got tickets to see 'No Doubt'. Nor is it relevant that they all (with the exception of Paceman. Oh, how I love that man, idiotic goatee and all) seemed to think that 'No Doubt' was the epitome of musical style and hipness (ie much like Herman's Hermits). Nor for that matter, is it relevant to document that three songs were played in their entirety, thereby relieving those lazy, lazy Dawson writers from having to think of ten minutes worth of, like, dialogue, plot, and other such tedious elements that some might argue made this show previously one worth watching.
Nope. None of that is relevant. So it will all be left undiscussed from this point forth. Instead, we shall focus on the characters and why they each failed to see the Hermits perform.
Let's start with Dunstan, who couldn't be bothered appearing in the previous show. Dunstan and Tempestuous Actress were waiting in line to get into the bestest seats in the stadium, groping one another shamelessly when suddenly the ticket-holder told them to go away and come back tomorrow because that's when their tickets were for. So they trotted off, tried to sneak backstage with their backstage passes and the aid of Tempestuous Actress's breats. But again, they were rebuffed and left with no choice but to make out in the parking lot Eventually, Dunstan was arrested for having money in his pockets! (Boston. Totalitarian.) TA was arrested for looking ike a whore. Then they were bailed out by British Director. And that was that.
ELsewhere, Ah Joey and Dimplestruck Barman continue their flirtatiousness. Ah Joey had apparently spent way too much time applying the cutes before the date, and not enough time applying the smarts. For, despite positively glowing with adorability, she also forgot to bring the tickets to the concert. DB cares not a jot - it's a crap band anyhow - but Ah Joey looks up at him with big brown eyes and he's forced to break in backstage and remember that his father worked for the stadium. (Boston. Quaint.) He shows off Ah Joey to his dad ('look, what I landed, pa!') and then takes her home for face-sucking.
"... he almost vomited in revulsion when she tried to kiss him."
Chipmunk Face, meanwhile, has managed to invite Counsellor Studmuffin along as well, despite the fact that he almost vomited in revulsion when she tried to kiss him. Like a twit, he agrees to go along. It is revealed, however, that there is an ulterior motive for this. Apparently Counsellor Studmuffin is hot for Crazy Audrey (?!?!?!!) What a twit he is.
Also, it is revealed that he's already shagged her!! In between episodes!! Counsellor Studmuffin clearly takes his counselling into strange, uncharted waters. Well, Chipmunk Face finds out about the Studmuffin-Crazy Audrey shag-a-thon and reacts with quiet fury - walking out of both of their lives forever. Go Chipmunk Face.
If Chipmunk Face reacts with quiet fury, then Paceman not so much. As soon as he finds out about Studmuffin's private counselling sessions he immediately starts fighting and wrestling with him. Ahhhh... good times. You have to love it when Paceman gets all rough and tumble with some deserving schmo.
And that's pretty much it. Gay Jack and Counsellor GayAsTheyCome continue to date steadily. They remember their tickets, tickets for the right day, attend the concert, refuse to get involved in fights or sleep with Crazy Audrey, watch the concert and go home. Yawn. How boring they are.
So that's it. A simple task, failed by all but two of the extended gang. In the face of such overwhelming stupidity, I refuse to document any further. I give this episode a score of 74% - it would have been higher except we wasted so much time with No Doubt video clips. But then, it would have been lower except that Paceman got into a fight and Ah Joey was hypnotic with the beauty thing. We'll see whether they can smarten up and build on this effort next episode.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Counsellor Studmuffin. Kudos on being not interested in Chipmunk Face. But a hefty dose of anti-kudos for the one-on-one counselling session with Crazy Audrey. Physician, heal thyself!
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
