THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.3 / 10 
6: Crazy Audrey Learns To Hate Herself
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, by my reckoning it's December 17th and that's clearly Halloween. And if it's Halloween, that means that it's the All Hallow's Eve special on Dawson's Creek.
This in turn means that there's a terribly lame Dunstan subplot where spooky going-on's go on. This year it's Dunstan having tricks played on him by British Director and Tempestuous Actress. They pretend to be shagging (frightening enough) but then add the ghost of Jamie Lee Curtis into the mix. This subplot ends with Dunstan and Tempestuous Actress getting back together so let's try and blot that out of our minds shall we?
In more interesting areas of the show we have Ah Joey approaching Dimplestruck Barman with the fantastic news that she's weaved her magic and managed to get him back into Professor Hold-A-Grudge's class.
"What makes you think I want to be back in Hold-A-Grudge's class?" says DB.
"Because you're soooooooooooo smart," purrs Ah Joey. "It would be a tragic waste if you weren't there."
"Don't feel sorry for me," says DB. "Besides, studying's for lamos. I feel sorry for you."
"You do not," says Ah Joey. "Besides, if you don't want to study you can always sit in class and gaze adoringly at me." She smiles beatifically. How could DB resist such an enticing offer.
"But I already get to do this at work," points out DB. Touche.
"... she also has to babysit Professor Hold-A-Grudge's daughter, Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge by way of penance and plot turmoil ..."
Dagnabbit! thinks Ah Joey and shakes her fist. Outwitted again. And now she also has to babysit Professor Hold-A-Grudge's daughter, Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge by way of penance and plot turmoil. And Ah Joey turns around and bumps into Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge so she (LMH-A-G) hates her (Ah Joey) forever. Bummer.
Back at Gay Jack and British Drum Machine's apartment, the pair of them trick Chipmunk Face into asking out Counsellor Studmuffin. Chipmunk Face calls Studmuffin's HelpLine, undertakes what I can only think is supposed to be 'chipmunk flirting' and invites Counsellor Studmuffin to a party.
"Sure!" says Counsellor Studmuffin. "Let suiciders look after themselves for one evening." And he turns the hold music on. It's playing the Grease soundtrack. He may be delinquent in his responsibilities but he's not totally heartless.
Also heading off to the party are Paceman and Crazy Audrey. They are dressed as Sid and Nancy. At first you think this is because Paceman plans to murder Crazy Audrey in a fit of drug rage. But, alas, no. It transpires instead that it's a fancy dress party and Paceman has been forced to go along with Crazy Audrey's mad costume ideas.
Also, Crazy Audrey has failed a course!!! Paceman finds out and looks concerned.
So Ah Joey and Dimplestruck Barman have taken Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge off to a haunted house. No idea why. Of course, within three seconds of walking in a hobgoblin leaps out at Ah Joey who leaps into DB's arms. They suck face almightily.
Over at the party, it turns out that Chipmunk Face forgot to tell Counsellor Studmuffin that it was a costume party and that only he was invited so he shows up a) out of costume and b) with some other guy tagging along.
Chipmunk Face immediately assumes the two of them are gay.
"I am like flypaper for gay guys," she says.
"You're half right," says Gay Jack.
"Oh come on," says Chipmunk Face. "They're clearly gay."
"Well," says Gay Jack. "If they're gay, then why aren't they telling everybody they're gay." He leans back and smiles in triumph.
"Come on," says Chipmunk Face. "Let's split up and find out."
"I'm gay," says Gay Jack.
"Yes. Understood."
By this stage, Paceman and Crazy Audrey have got into a fight about jobs and failing papers and how totally god-awful she is with her forced kookiness and so she runs off and hides in a coffin (??).
Paceman follows behind, but doesn't see her hide, so instead has a conversation with British Drum Machine about how he probably doesn't love Crazy Audrey any more, if he ever did.
"'I don't think there's any 'if' about it,' says BDM."
"I don't think there's any 'if' about it," says BDM. "Have you taken a close look at her?"
Paceman nods. BDM has a point. They wander off.
But gasp! Crazy Audrey has overheard them!! Lame, writers, lame. Seriously? Somebody hiding and overhearing a critical conversation about them is just so 1970s sitcom. Let's push ourselves a little harder next time, shall we? Perhaps you could have had Paceman come in, dig a hole in the ground, throw the coffin inside it and fill it back up with dirt, thereby burying Crazy Audrey alive.
I have hundreds of such ideas. Let me know if you need help.
Back with Ah Joey and Dimplestruck Barman. All their tonsil hockey has driven Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge off to the cinema where her mind won't be tarnished by such overt displays of raw animal lust. Ah Joey and DB track her down and drag her out of the late night showing of Basic Instinct. They take her back to the pub, which is a much more appropriate place for a twelve year old.
Chipmunk Face has tracked down Counsellor Studmuffin's friend, who confirms that he (the friend) is gay, but (and this is critical for Chipmunk Face's mind) Counseller Studmuffin is not.
"Well, all right," says Chipmunk Face. "So he then must want me."
Huh? thinks Counsellor GayAsTheyCome.
While this is happening, Gay Jack has cornered Counsellor Studmuffin who agrees whole-heartedly with Counsellor GayAsTheyCome
"I'm straight as a whatsisname," he says.
"So you must therefore want Chipmunk Face," says Gay Jack.
Huh?
"Um, no," says Studmuffin. "Look at her, she looks like a chipmunk."
"And you... don't find that attractive?" says Gay Jack.
Studmuffin taps his nose.
And that's about it. As mentioned earlier, Dunstan's tedious subplot ends with him shagging Tempestuous Actress. Ah Joey and Dimplestruck Bartender make a pact to continue squabbling and bickering and flirting outrageously. Just to seal the deal, Ah Joey fires off a couple more dimples.
Gay Jack asks out Counsellor GayAsTheyCome for coffee and gets a big yes.
"Do you realise that I'm gay," says Gay Jack.
"Cool," says GayAsTheyCome.
Oh, and Chipmunk Face tries her flirting thing and then confides in Gay Jack that Studmuffin is playing hard to get but she'll eventually get her man. Gay Jack doesn't correct this mal-assumption because that wouldn't be funny later.
Oh, and Paceman is dumped by Crazy Audrey who accuses him of not being 'a knight in shining armour'. Well, I don't know which show you've been watching Crazy Audrey but it certainly hasn't been this one.
Crazy Audrey also goes on to ask Paceman if he knows how it feels when everybody you love never loves you back.
"Nope," says Paceman. "Does it suck?"
And that's all. Excellent stuff. Crazy Audrey dumped and crying and feeling sorry for herself. And pretty much the same pending for Chipmunk Face. I'm as happy as happy can be. So I give this episode an A plus and am counting the hours until tomorrow when Chipmunk Face will be turned into a quivering, self-loathing mess.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Chipmunk Face. No new reason. Just 'cause I was reminded once more why she bugs me so.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.3 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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