THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.4 / 10 
5: Ah Joey Squabbles
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Another day, another Dawson. Let's see what happened, shall we?
We open with British Drum Machine, Gay Jack and Paceman's flatmate, talking to Ah Joey about how she can tear strips off her T-Shirt, and how this would really improve her tips.
"Improve my what?!?" says Ah Joey.
"Tips," says BDM. "T-I-P-S."
"... Ah Joey was hoping that BDM might have had some breast-highlightin' suggestions to move that sexual tension from underlyin' to overlyin'... "
"Oh," says Ah Joey. She is disappointed. She has been squabbling with Dimplestruck Barman again - he, rather than showing appreciation for his astonishing good fortune at being blessed by an Ah Joey smooch, continues to banter with underlying sexual tension - and Ah Joey was hoping that BDM might have had some breast-highlightin' suggestions to move that sexual tension from underlyin' to overlyin'.
But BDM continues to stick to her penultimate P stance. To everybody's chagrin.
Back at the movie set, an evil Executive Producer has shown up. She threatens to shut the production down because she doesn't think that Tempestuous Actress is a particularly good casting choice. She'd much rather see the role of 'Startled Bimbo' played by, say, Julia Roberts or former Miami Vice star Phillip Michael Thomas. Dunstan burrows his frow.
Over at Paceman's apartment, Gay Jack and British Drum Machine are out somewhere and Paceman's finally run out of books in the house to pretend to study from. So he is left with no choice but to propose having sex with Crazy Audrey.
Crazy Audrey, however, claims that she is too tired to shag. Also, she's suffering from Montezuma's Revenge, pleurisy and woman troubles. Paceman dances a little internal jig. Off the hook.
The next morning BDM is upset because Paceman has drunk all the coffee. Also the fact that Crazy Audrey is always in her face. Know how you feel, BDM. Know how you feel.
So while Paceman runs off to work, BDM heads into the shower to butcher Crazy Audrey, much like in Hitchcock's Psycho. But then, she hears Crazy Audrey sing, comes over with a whole new type of psychosis and intead hires Crazy Audrey to be lead singer of her band.
Huh??!? I think the writers need to let go of this plot technique. Bizarre enough that we had Ah Joey being plucked from obscurity to sing in Alvin's band last year. Now, the exact same plot twist is happening to Crazy Audrey. Writers, writers, writers. If you're not going to think of original plots, why not just show us Series 3 again. In fact, why not do that anyway.
Also, how do these bands get all their previous gigs without having lead singers in the first place?? Peculiar.
While we ponder upon all this, I should also add that Professor InTheCloset, who sprang so majestically out of the closet last week, has sequestered himself back inside it. He's also given Gay Jack a C minus on his paper ('Large, But Furry: An In-Depth Study Into The Beguiling History of The Gorgs of Fraggle Rock') as punishment for not jumping him instantly last episode. Fair enough, too.
But Gay Jack's all annoyed about it. Sheesh, Gay Jack. Get over yourself. If you don't put out for your teachers, you don't get good marks. Did you not see Ah Joey suck face with Professor WildStallion last year? Follow her lead. Grow some dimples. Wield them without fear or favour.
Speaking of Ah Joey, she's somehow usurped control of Professor Hold-A-Grudge's class. Professor Hold-A-Grudge is up the back making fun of her as always. Because, y'know, the grudge thing. However, Dimplestruck Barman sticks up for Ah Joey.
Professor Hold-A-Grudge and Dimplestruck Barman then have a battle of wits. (Yes, 'wits'. W-I-T-S. Yes, W.) The battle is won by Professor Hold-A-Grudge who starts making unintelligible references to secret identities. For a second I think I'm watching Smallville, but, alas, no such luck. Dimplestruck Barman is obviously equally disappointed so he storms out of the class. Ah Joey follows him. But is sent scurrying back by DB, who lashes his tongue at her.
Over to the movie set and The WIcked EP Of The West has seen some hastily cobbled together footage of the flick so far. She continues to hate Tempestuous Actress and is now determined to sack her.
"Hey," says Dunstan, pointing. "Look over there!"
And while The Wicked EP's back is turned, Dunstan pushes the editor out of the way and re-cuts the footage. It is now high-quality art-house cinema (much in the vein of Scary Movie 2, I imagine) and so The Wicked EP decides not to fire her. Dunstan to the rescue. Okay.
Gay Jack has wandered over to Professor InTheCloset's house. "Yo, Professor InTheCloset," he says. "What's up your butt?"
There is a moment of awkward silence.
"Nothing," says Professor InTheCloset and then storms back into his closet and locks the door behind him.
"... He just shows up at classes for the sheer joy of learnin' and studying the classics of literature ..."
Over to the bar. Ah Joey has now been told by BDM that Dimplestruck Barman is not a student at the school. He just shows up at classes for the sheer joy of learnin' and studying the classics of literature.
Oh. And perving on the twenty-something hotties. Obviously.
Ah Joey decides therefore that she needs to go visit Dimplestruck Barman and squabble some more with him. So off she goes, abandoning her job. Dimplestruck Barman is obviously not at work either, so British Drum Machine decides 'screw it', opens the bar for free drinks and starts her gig.
Crazy Audrey comes out and sings. And she is worse than Ah Joey.
I'll just say that again.
Crazy Audrey is a worse singer than Ah Joey.
And thus we scale newly improbable heights.
Chipmunk Face is in the audience cheering enthusiastically at Crazy Audrey's caterwauling. I am now convinced that Chipmunk Face is completely tone deaf. Everybody else is hurling stuff at Crazy Audrey and applying benzanoic acid to their ears in a bid to avoid the cacophony.
Over at Dimplestruck Barman's house, Ah Joey and DB squabble some more. The underlying sexual tension mists up the screen. But then they stop squabbling and start making fun of Professor Hold-A-Grudge. Boy, I sure hope Professor Hold-A-Grudge doesn't catch them doing this. Because, y'know, he can hold a grudge.
And then Dunstan and Tempestuous Actress bond some more. (This has been helped along by Dunstan seeing Tempestuous Actress in the nuddy earlier in the episode. Also, Dunstan offered TA some very apt acting advice (ie 'don't think') and she is taking this very much on board. Hence, her resumption of interest in Dunstan.)
And that's about it. Professor InTheCloset gives Gay Jack a better grade and explains that it was just the emotional turmoil that made him misjudge earlier (apparently, the thought of Fraggles turns him into a quivering mess).
So there you have it. An okay episode. Not much Paceman, which is always a bit of a letdown. But very little Chipmunk Face either, so that balances out. And I love it when Ah Joey squabbles with somebody dimplestruck. So I give this episode one thumb up (not my thumb - it's one I found in a dumpster) and look forward to tomorrow's shenanigans.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: British Drum Machine. Is it not bad enough that I have to witness Crazy Audrey's gruesomeness each episode? Did I really need to hear her sing as well??
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.4 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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