THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.5 / 10 
3: Ah Joey - SpamBot
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, another week of Dawson madness has come and oh so miraculously gone without a hint of anything happening on the show.
Let's recap what didn't happen. Ah Joey opened us up by sitting at her computer composing an email to Dunstan, saying how he was shoddy in the sack and how she didn't need to put up with that nonsense given her extreme cutitude.
She types and types for hours - there's so much to complain about when it comes to Dunstan's boudoir performance - before finally deciding to send her diatribe off at about 3 am.
But, oh no!! What's happened here? Ah Joey has accidentally clicked her 'Email Everybody On The Internet' spam button. Why people don't disable that button when they install their software, I do not know.
So it's the next morning and she's all humiliated, because the entire internet now knows that she let her standards slip sufficiently to shag Dunstan.
(Dunstan doesn't know, apparently, because he's set up a filter on his inbox, whereby any email with a 'Re: That Terrible Night We Shagged' header is automatically deleted. So that's lucky.)
Meanwhile, Gay Jack and British Drum Machine are doing their early morning breakfastey type of ritual. Gay Jack is buff in his jammies. BDM is vaguely annoying with her accent. Then Paceman tops them all by showing up in a suit.
He's off to his first day in the office as a stockbroker. Of course, he ends up arriving late and still with his goatee on, so his boss Patrick Bateman tells him that he has to sell stocks to The Meanest Men On Earth.
Oh Paceman... what have you got yourself into now?
Back in class and Professor Hold-A-Grudge is in fine form. He's printed out Ah Joey's spam email and reads it out in class.
"'... your girth in this area proved in fact to be far less than equine.'"
"Dear Dunstan," he quotes. "I couldn't help notice that despite your claims that your penis now renders you 'hung like a horse', that your girth in this area proved in fact to be far less than equine."
Ah Joey squirms, then realises that this bit is nothing for her to be ashamed of, so goes back to listening intently.
Professor Hold-A-Grudge skips a boring bit. "But perhaps I'm wrong," he continues to read. "Perhaps Ah Joey and Dunstan are sitting in a tree. Perhaps we are K-I-S-S-I-N-G."
Now Ah Joey squirms big time. And rightly so. Ew.
Over at some other class and Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack continue to perve at Professor InTheCloset. This is not at all interesting. Crazy Audrey shows up but this is a fact I boldly pretend isn't true. What with her repugnance and all.
Back at the office, Patrick Bateman has forced Paceman to take him for a drive, so that he (PB) can pick up his new Porsche.
"Well, that's kinda cool," says Paceman.
"Yes," says PB. "And with plenty of room in the trunk to hide the corpses of the people you butcher!"
"Uuuuuuuum, yes," says Paceman.
And then PB gives Paceman a talking-to - nonsense about attitude and facial hair and suits and hair gel and cars and yachts and gold watches and hookers.
Paceman ignores all this. "Hey," he says randomly. "Should I buy myself a pogo stick?"
PB ignores him, because he's busily planning a new murder. So it's all okay.
And back at the stupid bar where Ah Joey and British Drum Machine work, Professor Hold-A-Grudge wanders in to tease Ah Joey some more. She gets all cross and tempestuous - we love it when Ah Joey gets cross and tempestuous - and gives him a piece of her mind. Part of the cerebral cortex as I understand.
Professor Hold-A-Grudge just snickers.
Then some other doofus shows up - I think he's the one Ah Joey zapped with her dimples a couple of weeks ago. He works at the bar too, so he's obviously in denial about the fact that he's in love with Ah Joey. He pretends not to care about Ah Joey's spam.
"Ah Joey," he says. "Some of us have lives outside of you. We don't just walk out of your field of vision and wait, tremblingly, for you to re-emerge and render us whole once more. We have dreams and hopes and existences all of our own, independent of you and your dimples."
"Pshaw!!" says Ah Joey. "Who do you think you're fooling?"
Nobody, Ah Joey. Nobody.
"Professor InTheCloset - proving to be a riddle. A not particularly interesting riddle, but a riddle nonetheless."
Gay Jack goes on to try and chat up Professor InTheCloset while at a screening of Bruce Almighty. This sort of works, but sort of doesn't. Professor InTheCloset - proving to be a riddle. A not particularly interesting riddle, but a riddle nonetheless.
Also, Paceman sells stock to The Meanest Man On Earth by the ground-breaking sales technique he makes up called 'I Dare You... In Fact I Double-Dare You'.
Patrick Bateman is so impressed that he guts his secretary and takes credit for Paceman's sale. This irks the Paceman but what can he do?
Well, he can be moody as all heck and bring everybody down in the bar.
So he does that.
And then to make himself feel even more depressed he takes Crazy Audrey home and shags her. Oh Paceman, why do you hate yourself so?
And that's pretty much that.
With a couple of minutes to go, Dunstan pokes his head on the screen and asks the audience if they missed him?
"Not at all," we reply in unison.
And that's it. Nothing happened. But boy did it happen in a very entertaining, built on a ludicrous premise, kinda way. B+.
Next Week: Nothing. We get Punk'd instead. Sigh. Hopefully the gang will return soon and kick the butt of Channel Ten.
The One I Most Want To Die (Week Three): Professor Hold-A-Grudge - don't be so mean, Hold-A-Grudge.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.5 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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