THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.2 / 10 
22: The Penultimate Episode
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
So it's the penultimate episode and Dunstan's all whiney because Paceman lost all his money on the ponies (or whatever he did - I can't be bothered looking it up and if you think any given episode lingers in my head any longer than is necessary then you are sadly, sadly mistaken. All I know is it's Paceman's fault. But then, isn't it always.)
Today's episode is also the final chance to tally votes in the 'Who Do We Hope Dies?' competition. It's a two-way tussle between the chipmunk and the weenie. Crazy Audrey lies just a little too far off the pace to win (unless I flagrantly change the rules, which is not something I'm willing to rule out at this point). However, if the competition were on a votes/episode basis, she'd surely shoo it in.
"... you know how it goes, Dunstan's usual inane prattle."
Oh, but today's episode? Let's see. Paceman has lost Dunstan's money, so Dunstan hates him and doesn't want to make movies any more and has lost all faith in friendship and, you know how it goes, Dunstan's usual inane prattle. He probably mentioned somewhere in there that Ah Joey was his sooooouuul-maaaaaate but I had well and truly tuned it out by that point.
So Ah Joey bucks him up with her perky, upbeat 'tood.
"Buck up, Dunstan," she says, and blasts her dimples at Cute Factor 6.
Dunstan bucks up.
Then it's over to Paceman's place, where she unleashes a similarly powerful blast at poor old Paceman, who's covered in chip residue and is trying to watch soap operas.
"Stop being a lazy sod, Paceman," she says.
And Paceman has no choice but to stop. Damn this girl and her irresistible cute-osity, he thinks.
And then, like the frenzied creature she is, Ah Joey is off to the rest of the gang, dimples blazing everywhere, entrancing all and enlisting them in the movie. Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face break into film stores and steal film and lights and stuff. Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge and Paceman Junior are enlisted as the greatest child actors since Haley Joel Osmond or Jar Jar Binks. They play Ah Joey and Paceman. It's decided that any random weenie can play Dunstan, so they just pick up a street urchin and thrust him in that role.
It's all very exciting. And moving, too. Because it's done in montage form, which always brings a whatsisname to my thingo.
So they make the movie. And despite some setbacks, they knock much of it over on Day One! (How stupid must Peter Jackson feel!?!) Of course they are aided immensely by the assistance of British Director who apparently has no life of his own any more.
What the hell do I mean 'any more'?
Oh, BTW, while all the movie-making's going on, Paceman works diligently behind the scenes. He may not have dimples but he has his own oafish brand of charm and he's using it to scam money off local businesses.
And then, forget about all that, because it's time to write in the farewell to Grams and Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face.
"Yeah, seeya," says everybody and gets back to work.
No, of course they don't! There is, instead, another slow-mo scene with poignant music (taken, I believe, from the very first Alvin and the Chipmunks album). So that's touching and, um, fills in ten minutes.
And then British Director, who has obviously lost complete control of his senses, shags Crazy Audrey. Also, Dunstan and Ah Joey get in the same bed together but fall asleep without doing anything. Boy we really have come full circle, haven't we? I didn't check whether Dunstan had misplaced his penis, but I think it's safe to assume he has.
"... he's in a bar gloating about his stud-muffin status."
Oh, also Paceman has picked up the hottest wench from his school days. (Well, other than Ah Joey and his teacher Miss Farquar.) So he's in a bar gloating about his stud-muffin status. Ah Joey comes in.
"Why is it, do you think, that no matter how much your female friends like me and Chipmunk Face and Crazy Andy and Crazy Audrey told you that you were a fantastic gent that you never really believed it until the symbolic hot chick from school came onto you?"
"Oh, Chipmunk Face isn't my friend," says Paceman.
"Not really the point, Paceman," says Ah Joey.
"And I don't know why we let Crazy Audrey hang about."
Ah Joey sighs.
"Hey," says Paceman, holding up an envelope full of money. "Look what I scammed from local businesses in my first day as a confidence trickster!"
"That's great, Paceman. I think it's really sweet that you're getting Dunstan's money back."
"I'm doing what now?"
But because he is Captain Pace-Tastic he is, of course, recovering Dunstan's money. There is a very moving scene where they discuss how they may not be friends any more, but, by gum, they still both want to shag Ah Joey. They high five, and embrace and Paceman gives Dunstan the money (minus his commission).
And then suddenly Ah Joey is in Paris and I'm left more than a little confused. But cest la vie!
So that's all. Only the season finale to come now. It's spread over two days, because that's the nutty kinda folks we are down under. But you can be sure, it's going to be a doozy, because... somebody dies!!!
So who do we want to die? It all comes down to the final votes. Alas, the One I Most Want To Die This Episode is Crazy Audrey, because jeez, will you just shag anyone?? That doesn't split the Dunstan-Chipmunk Face stalemate, so it's going to come down to the 2 and 1 votes for this particular episode. 2 votes has to go to British Director, for the exact same reason as Crazy Audrey. But 1 vote... 1 vote goes to Dunstan!!! Paceman's moping was funny, but yours was self-pitying and sad and lame. Also, even when Paceman's trying to be nice, you were going to be a big grudge-head until he gave you money. So 1 point for Dunstan, which is enough to get him over the line in the competition. Let's see if the kid the show's named after dies, huh?
Begone,
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