THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7 / 10 
21: Bye-Bye Boston
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Okay. We're straight into it with Bloody Jack Osbourne visiting Crazy Audrey in her dorm room. Bloody Jack Osbourne is sniffing Ah Joey's underwear. This is creepy, but it could have been worse - Ah Joey could have been wearing them at the time.
Nevertheless, Ah Joey comes in and chastises Bloody Jack Osbourne. "What are you doing on this show? Do you think that it will somehow prolong your dubious, undeserved, second-hand quarter-hour of fame? If so, you're sorely mistaken and I think everybody here--" (gesturing to audience) "--would appreciate it if you'd just leave. Okay?" (Most of this was implied.)
But Bloody Jack Osbourne takes the hint and leaves. Ah Joey raises one of her perfect eyebrows.
"Oh, you meant me as well," says Crazy Audrey. And departs.
Over to Capeside and Paceman is preparing to tell Dunstan that he has lost all of his money. He stands outside Dunstan's door until Dunstan senses his Pace-tastic presence and comes on out. At this point, Paceman assesses the dramatic implications of his revelation and decides to hold that particular ace up his sleeve for a more emotionally charged juncture.
So instead we're straight over to Chipmunk Face's place. She has invited Mimi Rogers over to visit, because apparently Mimi Rogers is Chipmunk Face's mother and also, by the robust and fundamental science of genealogy, Grams' daughter.
"And, remember, Grams doesn't necessarily have cancer."
"Come on in, Mimi," says Chipmunk Face. "Make yourself at home. And, remember, Grams doesn't necessarily have cancer. She may or may not but it is up to her to reveal that to you."
It also turns out that so enamoured is Counsellor Studmuffin of Chipmunk Face that he's about to go live the life of a street person in New York, starting tomorrow. This will later become relevant so I am very much hoping that you all paid attention.
Back to Capeside and Ah Joey has read Dunstan's script for his movie. She has also climbed up a ladder and found herself back in an eerie replica of Dunstan's bedroom set from the first couple of seasons.
"This script is very good," says Ah Joey.
"Yes it is, isn't it?" says Dunstan, pleased with himself.
"You just caught a rerun of the season opener and transcribed the dialogue, didn't you?"
Dunstan sighs. "Yes," he admits.
Ah Joey sighs as well. "Wow," she says. "It's kinda fun to remember that this show used to be entertaining."
"Yes," says Dunstan.
They both sigh some more.
Back to Grams' place and Chipmunk Face, Grams, Mimi Rogers, Counsellor Studmuffin and Gay Jack are all having dinner. Conversation is stilted and awkward.
"I loved you in Days Of Thunder," says Gay Jack, failing to help.
Chipmunk Face sighs. "No, Jack, this is the other Ex-Mrs Tom Cruise."
"Oh," says Gay Jack. "Then why do I have this edited homage clip of your nude scenes in Eyes Wide Shut playing on a loop in the background?" And he flicks it off.
"Oh," says Counsellor Studmuffin. Disappointed.
"Uncle Bill ... runs onto set shouting out 'Grams has cancer!! Grams has cancer!!!'"
Conversation becomes even more inane after that, until Uncle Bill who was cast aside several episodes ago escapes from his cell and runs onto set shouting out "Grams has cancer!! Grams has cancer!!!" until he is taken away by Security.
And it is then decided that Chipmunk Face and Grams will go to live with Mimi Rogers in New York, abandoning Boston forever!
"Oh," says Counsellor Studmuffin again. Even more disappointed. Just when he thought he was out, the Chipmunk Faced One pulls him back in.
Back to Cape Side and Paceman has decided that now is the most dramatically charged moment to tell Dunstan about the whole, like, poverty thing. Because now Ah Joey is in the vicinity and there can be delicious triangular anger and fury.
And there is. Wild accusations fly back and forth. Dunstan accuses Paceman of being an idiot. Paceman accuses Dunstan of not being a proper friend. Dunstan accuses Paceman of being doomed to be a failure forever because he never looks at the big picture. Paceman accuses Dunstan of being a weenie and proposes that the show would have been infinitely superior if it had been called Paceman's Creek. Dunstan veers wildly onto a tangent and accuses Paceman of deflowering Ah Joey. Paceman follows the tangent and accuses Ah Joey of always liking Dunstan more than himself. Ah Joey accuses Paceman of having too much of a competitive streak. And so on and so forth.
This was all as magnificent as it sounds.
Oh, and back at Grams' house, the following conversation has been held.
"Gay Jack, why don't you move to New York and live with my mother too?"
"I dunno," says Gay Jack.
"Come on," says Chipmunk Face. "You can be a crap student, but magnificent god of a man, in whichever city we drag you to. So just join us for plot simplicity and closure."
"Well, okay, but only if it's okay with Penelope."
"Mimi, Jack. Her name is Mimi."
"Whatever."
And that's it. Superb stuff. Love the Dunstan-Ah Joey-Paceman triangle. Tune back in for the penultimate episode to see the gang come together to reshoot Dunstan's ripped off movie. Also, entries close for the Who Do We Want To Die Competition Excitement!!
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Chipmunk Face. I know he's your fag and all, but let poor old Gay Jack go already.
Begone,
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