THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.4 / 10 
20: The Annual Cast Cull
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, alrighty then. We're closing rapidly in on the end and it's time for a good old-fashioned cast cull. By the end of this episode, we'll see the demise of all but the core of the show. And about time too.
So we begin with Paceman out on a date with Salma Hayek clone. They make sweet, passionate love. Good for them.
"Oh Paceman, you're such a boastful wag."
Then in a very classy move Paceman goes into the office and brags about it to a fresh batch of financial wannabes. Oh Paceman, you're such a boastful wag.
Back to Ah Joey's dorm room and she is studying furiously for her final exam. Dimplestruck Barman is helping her with his own unique interpretation of Catch-22.
"I think Yossarian's struggles symbolise man's inability to fully appreciate the music of Motley Crue," he opines.
Ah Joey (rightly) ignores DB's theories and continues to study furiously. But only for one exam. I think Ah Joey actually only has one class - which might explain why she can spend so much time getting involved in zany adventures week after week.
Back to Gay Jack, who has told Counsellor GayAsTheyCome that he'd like to meet him in a bar to discuss their relationship and work out whether they did or did not break up last episode.
"It was just unclear to me," says Gay Jack.
"The direction was a tad muddled," agrees Counsellor GayAsTheyCome
Back to Paceman at his job. He's just received a call from Dunstan.
"Gosh, Paceman," he says. "Thanks to your sound investment nous, you have transformed my $3000 into a cool $2.5million. Maybe I should cash out and start making my film now."
"No," says Paceman. "Just wait two more days. I have put all your money into Bio-Death shares. Within the next 48 hours your money will increase tenfold!"
"I don't know," dithers Dunstan. "Are you sure?"
"I'm 100% sure," says Paceman. "There is zero chance of failure here. Now leave your money with me."
"Well, okay," says Dunstan. Because with a $25 million budget he can afford to do the CGI shots needed to make a believable Chipmunk Face character. And besides, if Paceman gives a 100% guarantee, there's surely no way anything can go wrong. Right? Of course.
Back to Boston and Ah Joey has taken Professor Hold-A-Grudge's little exam and blitzed it. To pass the time while she was doing this, Dimplestruck Barman and Professor Hold-A-Grudge got into an argument. Which served no real purpose, as we have come to expect from both of these characters.
As a reward for passing her exam Dimplestruck Barman gives Ah Joey his smelly backpack and proposes that she wash it and the two of them then spend the off-season roaming all of Europe with no money.
"That would be awesome!!" says Ah Joey.
And then they plan it all out and get all excited, but then Ah Joey changes her mind and becomes unsure about it, so they have a fight and Ah Joey storms out. An Ah Joey storm-out. Classic.
Over to Gay Jack and now the cull commences in earnest.
"Next time I direct I stay off the hashish cakes"
Counsellor GayAsTheyCome walks into the bar and informs Gay Jack that he has talked to Paceman and he confirmed that it was intended that the two of them did indeed break up last episode. Also, Paceman apologised for not making this clearer. "Next time I direct I stay off the hashish cakes," he vowed.
So, one down. Counsellor GayAsTheyCome. Cross him off your list.
Back to Paceman, who has just discovered that Bio-Death's miracle flu cure has a number of side-effects, namely increased blood pressure, dizziness and pregnancy. So its shares have plummeted.
And Paceman has lost all of Dunstan's money!! Also, he's lost all of his own money too! Oh Paceman, you are a financial whiz.
So he asks Patrick Bateman for a loan so he can pay Dunstan back his funds.
"Are you nuts?" said Patrick Bateman.
"A little bit, yes," says Paceman. And then he loses his temper, gets into a fist fight with PB and breaks a few computers and is fired. Oh Paceman, when are you going to control that fiery streak of yours? (Never, I hope. It's what makes you so lovable.)
So, two down. Patrick Bateman. Good to have known you.
And then Paceman bumps into Salma Hayek Clone outside who mentions that she has a fiance.
"Oh fantastic," says Paceman. "And I have no money any more."
"So you see," says Salma Hayek Clone. "This has all worked out perfectly." And she disappears too.
Three down. Fare thee well, Salma Hayek Clone.
Back to Ah Joey who has gone to see Professor Hold-A-Grudge. He has given her an A-minus on her final exam which means she's allowed to come back and be ridiculed by him next year.
"I would have given you an A, but in the Catch-22 paper, you made no mention of the Crue."
Dagnabbit, thinks Ah Joey and punches her palm.
Then Professor Hold-A-Grudge makes Ah Joey read the closing five chapters of Catch-22 to us all in the hope that it will a) fill in time and b) teach Ah Joey a valuable lesson.
And it does! Ah Joey learns the true meaning of Europe and bids Professor Hold-A-Grudge adieu so she can run back and tell Dimplestruck Barman that she will go trekking with him.
Four down. Bye-bye Hold-A-Grudge.
But when Ah Joey gets back to DB, she finds a note. Looks like Dimplestruck Barman's done a runner again. Boy, this lad just can't stay still, can he? Apparently, he's chucked a wobbly and is off to Europe by himself.
Five down. Enough of ye, Dimplestruck Barman. Enjoy Europe.
And that's pretty much it. Nothing like a ruthless cull of the extraneous cast to get the ol' blood pumping. 8 out of 10. Over to the next episode where we shall no doubt go right back to our roots.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Paceman. Two words for you: Portfolio Diversification
Begone,
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