THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.5 / 10 
2: Dumpin Time For Dunstan
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Okay then, so it's the next morning and Ah Joey wakes up to find that Dunstan has been magically transformed into a piece of paper!
No, that's not right. He's just gotten up and left a note on his pillow. The note says 'Thnx for the shag! It was aces! Me eat food now.'
Not for the first time, Ah Joey thinks she may well have made a terrible, terrible error. But before she can confront Dunstan and the remnants of his breakfast about it, he dashes back in and slips her the tongue. And cops a bit of a feel as well for good measure.
On that gruesome note, the opening credits roll.
Meanwhile, Paceman has joined a group of a dozen or so guys in ill-fitting suits who are about to be hired as stockbrokers. They are all given a bit of a speech by Patrick Bateman of American Psycho fame.
"You are all hopeless excuses for humanity who will soon wish that you were dead, due to the evil and misery you are about to inflict upon others," he says. "On the plus side, you get to butcher hookers while listening to Hip To Be Square."
"All right!" say most of the stockbroker wannabes, exchanging high fives and absurd handshakes. What had seemed a pipedream at first now looks like becoming a reality.
But Paceman has a question. "Can I butcher my girlfriend instead?"
"I don't see why not," says Patrick Bateman. "I'll see you all first thing Monday."
"If you don't mind, sir," says Paceman. "I'd like to start straight away."
Good ol' Paceman. Keen. Also Patrick Bateman advises him that his suit is 'gay', so Paceman makes a mental note to sell it to Gay Jack.
Back on campus, Chipmunk Face is laying into Grams about the patriarchy and feminism and how she shouldn't have to leave a party with a jumper tied around her waist. "That should never happen!" screams Chipmunk Face.
This attracts the attention of some nearby studmuffin, who recognises Chipmunk Face from her lame-ass radio stint last season. Grams tries to make a move on StudMuffin by inviting him to sit with them and smoke some silly weed, but Chipmunk Face puts the kibosh on that by pushing Grams down a passing elevator shaft. Studmuffin is impressed by Chipmunk Face's style to such an extent that he invites her to be a counsellor for some (apparently extremely lax in standards) counselling service.
"... plus Crazy Audrey who I'm just trying to forget is even tainting my television screen ..."
Oh yes, and Gay Jack and Paceman are still determined to move in with British Drum Machine. BDM continues to rebuff them in an unconvincing fashion. But that doesn't stop the two of them (plus Crazy Audrey who I'm just trying to forget is even tainting my television screen). They simply break into her apartment and make their pitch.
"Look how easily we broke into your apartment!" says Paceman. "You need to live with two buff men like Gay Jack and me in order to protect you from buff men like Gay Jack and me."
"Well that makes sense," says BDM. "If only I hadn't promised the apartment to those two lesbians over there."
And suddenly it is revealed that there are two lesbians standing in the corner, disguised as lamps.
"Don't sweat it," says Gay Jack, looking resplendent in his recently purchased suit. He goes over and whispers something to the lesbians and they flee squealing.
"What did you say?" asks Paceman.
Gay Jack merely raises his eyebrows smugly.
Oh, and Chipmunk Face has shown up to the Counsellor's Training Session, sees a sign that says 'Counsellors may not sleep with counsellees' and storms out furiously.
StudMuffin stops her as she leaves and asks her where she's going. Chipmunk Face makes up some absurd lies about trying to be true to herself and having a chimney sweep to catch.
"Besides," she adds. "I'm not as great as you think I am."
"What are you talking about?" says Studmuffin and wanders off with an attack of the giggles. And rightly so too. I defy anybody to find me a single counselling service/absurd plot device on this planet that has chipmunk deification as a fundamental tenet.
While all this has been going on, Dunstan has been showing Ah Joey around a movie set he's allegedly working on. (Apparently Dunstan has saved the production a whole heap of money by simply stealing the old Capeside set and installing it in his movie. Which is cheap, but effective and also had the side effect of leaving his mother homeless - that'll teach her to cheat on the Flash.)
And then Dunstan somehow magically transforms this lame movie set into a candle-lit home-made restaurant and makes goo-goo eyes at Ah Joey, who squirms in her seat nervously.
"... Dunstan gets a phone call from his other girlfriend."
Then they wander back to Ah Joey's dorm and Dunstan gets a phone call from his other girlfriend. Which sends Ah Joey into rather the snit.
And there's also a surprise birthday party for Ah Joey because apparently it's her birthday this week as well. But Ah Joey and Dunstan are too busy squabbling, so everybody else decides to head down to the pub and make fun of British Drum Machine.
We leave them alone in their mockery and linger instead on Ah Joey and Dunstan who are unleashing for all they're worth!
"What about the time you ran off with Paceman and broke my heart?" says Dunstan.
"That was the absolute highlight of all six series, you pitiful weenie!" retorts Ah Joey.
"Oh yeah..." says Dunstan. "Well... um... your dimples aren't that great!"
"You BASTARD!!!" screams Ah Joey and hurls a wardrobe at him.
And so on and so on in this vein.
"It can't end this way," says Dunstan eventually. "We're soooooooooul maaaaaaaaaates?"
"Oh, go neuter yourself," says Ah Joey.
And that is that.
An episode where very little happened, but OTOH it seems that rather than Dunstan taking advantage of Ah Joey (as it seemed at the beginning of the episode), it is Ah Joey who has managed to amuse us all with yet another Dunstan-dumping. Well done, Ah Joey. Well done.
Next Week: Ah Joey becomes a blogger and rails against Microsoft and Dunstan.
The One I Most Want To Die (End of Week Two): Dunstan
This file was brought to you by the words 'neuter', 'pipedream' and 'deification'. As part of an ongoing bid to amuse myself, I shall be working nominated words into The Dunstan Files each week. If you'd like to nominate a word, feel free to email me at dliebke@astonishingtales.com with your suggestion. The best word(s) chosen will win a double helping of kudos! You don't get a better offer than that.
Begone,
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