THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 6.8 / 10 
19: The Oprah Files
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
I have but one word for this episode: ?????!?!?
The producers, having seen the stellar job that Gay Jack did when he donned the old director's hat for a show a few episodes back decide to pass it over to Paceman and see if he can capture a similar magic.
He cannot.
"Paceman has clearly got into Grams' secret stash ..."
Paceman has clearly got into Grams' secret stash and ingested wildly. For what we get is just a ramshackle mess that bears no resemblance whatsoever to a Dawson's Creek episode (which is usually a ramshackle mess in a completely different way). It shares some of the same actors, but none of them were portraying any characters that I recognised. There were two therapists (?) of some description - apparently they are 'famous' for their call-in show on MTV (??), but I have no idea and am too scared to ask for more information. Dimplestruck Barman asked and was ridiculed mercilessly by Ah Joey and Crazy Audrey.
Oh yes, that's the other thing. Crazy Audrey is back and boy, is she like a breath of fresh air, what with her kooky antics. No, not 'breath of fresh air', the other one: 'unyielding stench of Death'.
But apart from her, there's other weirdness that doesn't reconcile. Ah Joey and DB end up on stage at one point discussing their sex lives, while Chipmunk Face dumps, then undumps Counsellor Studmuffin and talks about herself in the third person a lot and also pretends to communicate with him via an imaginary phone call and more such madness. And Gay Jack is back, but he sort of, but not really, breaks up with Counsellor GayAsTheyCome for no clear reason. (Something to do with sitting next to people and not apologising for it... or some damn thing.)
I'd write more, but I have absolutely no idea what any of this was about. I feel like I'm writing the Oprah Files and that can't be healthy for anybody. So I have no choice but to end it all here and give this episode a big fat '???' as a score.
And please, let's get Paceman out from behind the cameras and back in front of them (where he oh-so-very-clearly belongs) by the next episode. Thank you.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Well, it has to be Grams. Grams, keep those drugs locked up and away from the directors. Okay??
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 6.8 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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