THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.2 / 10 
18: Where's Gay Jack?
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Now, where the hell has Gay Jack hidden himself? I miss his homosexual antics and self-affirmations. Come back, Gay Jack!
Instead of Gay Jack, we have Chipmunk Face who apparently flicked her slut switch to on. Because Counsellor Studmuffin is suddenly grinning from ear to ear with all the chipmunk sex he's been garnering.
Well, I suppose that somebody must appreciate it.
He's also spreading gossip about Grams, telling Chipmunk Face that Grams has broken the heart of Counsellor Studmuffin's Uncle Bill.
Chipmunk Face promises to investigate. Not sure what precisely she's investigating, but there you go...
Oh, and as alluded to in the cliff-hanger last episode, Dimplestruck Barman is back, grinning like a scruffily handsome idiot.
"I am ... being lauded as the greatest writer since Judith Krantz!"
"Ah Joey," he says. "I am back. I am a triumph in LA and am being lauded as the greatest writer since Judith Krantz! They want me back there to spread my literary genius to all who bask in my penmanship. And I hereby designate thee, Ah Joey, as my Muse of Choice."
"Sorry," says Ah Joey. "Moved on."
"Oh," says DB, crestfallen. He picks up his fallen crest and slinks off.
Dunstan's moved back home to 'inspire' himself for his Dawson's Creek movie screenplay. Also, he saves on rent. So that's handy. He's hanging his lame Spielberg posters back on the wall when his mother enters.
"Have you seen my Hook poster?" he says.
"Nope," says Mrs Flash.
"Well, perhaps you have the pilot episode on DVD somewhere. That would save me a lot of time."
"Nope," says Mrs Flash, then changes the subject. "So, Dunstan, what are you going to do with your life when this idiotic directorial thing inevitably fails?"
And Dunstan has no answer to that.
Also, for some strange reason, Ah Joey and Paceman are chaperones at Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge's Pseudo-Prom School Dance Thing. I have no idea what's going on with this - perhaps I missed an episode where it was revealed that Ah Joey adopted Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge or was her biological mother or some damn thing. I'm very confused about it all. If you're going to have annoying teen urchins on the show, then have them in Series One, where they belonged.
Anyway, there's this dance. Little Miss Hold-A-Grudge has Paceman Junior for a date and he's behaving like a jerk. So she's cross. And... y'know what? I can barely be bothered relating what happens, it's all so tedious. There's a scuffle, Paceman gets accidentally punched in the jaw, Ah Joey gives wise advice, blah, blah, blah. Yawn.
Back to Capeside and Dunstan has confronted his mother.
"I'm never making a backup plan for my oh-so-doomed directorial ambitions. So if you think that I am, then--" and he pokes his tongue out and giggles.
And then Mrs Flash just spins wildly off on a tangent. "Dunstan, one time your father, the original Flash, decided to start a chewing gum factory in our kitchen and ended up getting gum in your hair and we had to shave your head."
Dunstan and audience wait for more information, but none is forthcoming. Dunstan clears his throat and speaks for all of us.
"Um, gotta say that this parental burst of wisdom is more obscure than most."
"Oh," says Mrs Flash. "Well, he got the idea from his favourite childhood book - Fear and Chewing Gum in Las Vegas. Your father, like you, had zany schemes and dreams that had no foundation in reality. And it used to drive me insane. But it's also one of the things that made me fall in love with him... Now do you understand?"
"I just think that in many ways it's wrong..."
"You're in love with me?" says Dunstan, taken aback. "Not that I'm not flattered," he adds hurriedly. "I just think that in many ways it's wrong..." He pauses again. "Perhaps we can take things slowly to see where they go."
But Mrs Flash has fled from the room to vomit.
Chipmunk Face, insane haircut still ludicrously in place, has meanwhile confronted Grams.
"Hey Grams," she says. "I got a call from a Docter Robert to confirm your appointment for tomorrow. Now he's not your usual doctor. Are you--" (insert grotesque hand gesture here) "--ing this Doctor Robert? Is that why you've left Counsellor Studmuffin's Uncle Bill dangling?" And she smiles lasciviously.
"Um, no, Chipmunk Face," replies Grams. "Doctor Robert is going to treat me for breast cancer."
"Oh," says Chipmunk Face. "Well, that's not sexy at all." And she starts to cry. After all, if Grams dies, who is going to run her drug cartel? Also, isn't breast cancer hereditary?
Finally, back to the stupid dance thing. Ah Joey has come to the conclusion that because she has had the greatest evening of her life that therefore Paceman and her are not meant to be with one another. Or some damn shambles of logic.
"You said what now?" says Paceman.
"I just think that we shouldn't be together - it's not going to work."
"Look," says Paceman. "I know you're scared. Heck, I'm scared too. But not of this relationship - I'm scared of cheese singles and snakes and Justin Timberlake. And that's all you should be scared of too, for this relationship could be really fantastic - who knows where it could lead? Perhaps this is 'the one' - we could live happily ever after for the next few episodes until the series ends. And yea, verily, it would be fantastic." He pauses and continues on in a stammering panic. "Also I've got four thousand dollars Dunstan gave me to invest so he can make some lame movie about Series One. You can have it! So you see, we clearly belong together..."
"I'm actually still hot for Dimplestruck Barman who returned earlier in the episode," says Ah Joey, heartlessly.
"Que pasa?" says Paceman.
And the audience is left with no option but to agree. I'm sure DB has his fine qualities but he's clearly no Paceman. And yet the episode ends with Ah Joey returning to his arms. Weird-o-rama.
A bizarre episode. Ah Joey is doing her 'let's smash everybody's heart to pieces' thing which is always funny. Why she's doing it at the school dance of the daughter of her most hated Professor continues to baffle me. But then again, I am so very easily baffled. And where, for the love of Crazy Andy, is Gay Jack??
Perhaps he'll return in the next episode but I'm not holding my breath (because the show's several hours away and I would die).
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Well certainly not Grams. What has she ever done to hurt anybody. No the one I most want to die this episode has to be, alas, Ah Joey. I know it's funny when you discard the guys on the show, but it's so much funnier when it's that weener Dunstan.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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