Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

6.17 Enter The Chipmunk (Again)

The rebuilding of Dawson’s Creek continues unabated. Having laid the foundations with Ah Joey and Paceman a couple of episodes ago, then added the brick that is Dunstan, the writers now reintroduce Chipmunk Face. A dangerous tactic.

I should hope that it goes without saying that Chipmunk Face’s hair remains absurd. Also, in this rebuilding process, they’ve apparently forgotten to include her slut gene. For Counsellor Studmuffin lies in bed, sexually frustrated.

“Did you know it’s been a week since we last had sex?” asks Counsellor Studmuffin.

“Nooo… surely not,” replies Chipmunk Face.

… we last had sex that night Grams went out for Jazz Salt Bingo.

“Aye. Because we last had sex that night Grams went out for Jazz Salt Bingo.”

“Ew,” says Chipmunk Face. “You track our sexual timetable via Grams comings and goings?” And I must confess that the rodential one has a point.

Elsewhere, Patrick Bateman has fired Paceman’s secretary for being, um, I dunno, too similar-looking to Gollum. Paceman is left floundering. He doesn’t actually need a secretary as such, but, OTOH, he didn’t really need a goatee now, did he? And that didn’t stop him from inflicting it upon us for episode after episode. So you see…

So in an inspired piece of writing, it is decided that Ah Joey shall be Paceman’s new secretary, for two weeks or until this sexual fantasy is satiated, whichever comes first.

Ah Joey surprisingly agrees, because the pay is good and (I assume) she’s as easily swept up by Paceman’s erotic fantasy life as the rest of us. So that’s handy.

And Dunstan?

Dunstan has the inspirational idea that his next movie should be basically the first series of the show. He pitches this to Wicked Executive Producer.

“It’s a coming of age story about a young lad with no penis who refuses to do disgusting things to a hot brunette who inexplicably lusts for him.”

Wicked Executive Producer shrugs. “Sounds pretty lame to me. You have to remember that the final decision on the go-ahead of this flick will be made by the headmaster from The Breakfast Club - and he’s sexually insatiable… can you add a young doofus who shags his teacher to the saga?”

“You know something,” replies Dunstan. “I do believe I can.”

Back to Chipmunk Face and she’s upset Counsellor Studmuffin by getting on the Counsellin’ Phone and telling complete strangers about their sex lives. Counsellor Studmuffin sulks. Chipmunk Face tries to get him to explain why.

“Do you think I want other people to know that I sleep with a chipmunk?!?” he screams. But then he calms down and complains instead about the Chipmunk Face rewrite. “Y’know,” he says. “When I signed on for this part, I knew I’d be sleeping with a chipmunk. And that was fine with me - I was up for that. But I was assured that you were a slut goddammit! At least if I was going to have sex with a chipmunk, I’d be having lots of sex with a chipmunk.”

This offends Chipmunk Face for some reason, so she takes her stupid haircut and runs off.

Ah Joey has shown up in her secretary outfit …

Back to the Paceman subplot and hoo-boy!! Ah Joey has shown up in her secretary outfit, thereby fulfilling the prophecy. Every male in the office explodes, including Paceman who is eventually left with no choice but to screw Ah Joey silly in his office.

And that’s pretty much that. One might think that would be enough for… well, any episode of any television show anywhere ever. But instead we continue on with Dunstan’s pitch for his Dawson’s Creek movie.

He’s pitched the idea to Breakfast Club Headmaster who likes the idea of the stripper.

“Stripper?” says Dunstan. “There was no stripper in Season One.”

“There is now,” says BCH. “If you want this movie made.”

And so Dunstan, like an idiot, is torn between compromising his whatsisname, artistic integrity or getting his movie made but in the form of a teen sex romp.

And again, like an idiot, he sticks to his moral guns. You truly are an idiot, Dunstan. So now his movie isn’t being made - which is a shame, because, let’s face it, there was no real work required. Because, hey, the DVD’s out people!!

That’s pretty much it. Grams talks some sense into Chipmunk Face (I think she just gives her an E-ball). Dunstan… well, he does his Dunstan thing. And Paceman has to fire Ah Joey lest her secretary outfit kill us all. Ah Joey takes it well though - six heart attacks in one day’s work is more than enough surely. And there we end it. Rather a strange episode - quite a lot of sex-bits in this’un. But, heck, why not. What are people going to do about it?

Oh, and there’s a cliff-hanger. Right at the end, Dimplestruck Barman shows up. Too late, DB, too late.

Anyhow, in tomorrow’s episode I can only assume that DB tries to outshine Paceman. Good luck, buddy. Also, if we’ve rebuilt the foundations with Paceman, Ah Joey, Dunstan and Chipmunk Face, I can only assume that tomorrow we add Gay Jack back into the mix. Either him, or the dead Mr Flash.

The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Chipmunk Face. Be a good little slut. There’s a good chipmunk.

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Posted: January 6th, 2004 under dawsons creek.