THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.7 / 10 
15: Paceman And Ah Joey... Tomb Raiders of K-Mart
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Now, this is what we've been waiting for... a return to Dawson's Creek greatness.
We open with Paceman and Ah Joey at some kind of dinner. It transpires that Paceman has hired Ah Joey to be his date for the evening. Ah Joey. Escort. Classy.
"He's playing 'hand on my crotch' with some other bimbo ..."
But of course Paceman has back-up plans. He's playing 'hand on my crotch' with some other bimbo to his left. He has explained to this other bimbo that Ah Joey is his sister. Hahaha, oh Paceman, you're incorrigible.
Ah Joey, however, wants to go home. She has to read Where The Wild Things Are for her class with Professor Hold-A-Grudge tomorrow. And, like the shoddy student she is, she has not even started. Oh, Ah Joey, make the most of your dimples while you've got 'em, babe. 'Cause when they're gone, methinks you're in big trouble.
"Let's go," says Ah Joey, irritably.
"Nuh-uh," says Paceman, as the other bimbo's hand moves to more interesting zones.
Ah Joey leans over to him and whispers to Paceman.
"If we don't go in five minutes, the bimbo beside you is going to be awfully surprised when your 'sister' gives you a tongue-kissing."
Yes, Ah Joey. Quite the threat, I'm sure.
But then the other bimbo also whispers in Paceman's ear and tells him to ditch Ah Joey, she'll ditch her date and then they can meet back here in an hour and shag.
"Paceman, you damn fool!"
Paceman weighs it up and opts against Ah Joey's tongue. Paceman, you damn fool!
So they're driving home and Paceman decides to stop off and pick up some condoms. Ah Joey needs to go urinate. And then, in a convoluted set of circumstances that I find it rather difficult to recall, the two of them end up being locked in a K-mart. This so often happens.
And that's where they spend the rest of the show. They laugh. They cry. They reveal their feelings towards one another. They watch Terry Gilliam's over=budget interpretation of Where The Wild Things Are.
And in a moment of triumph, Ah Joey dons some saucy pyjamas and shaves Paceman's absurd goatee off. Then to celebrate, they play tonsil hockey. Then they talk about it some more. Then they camp out on the K-mart floor and snuggle in a joint sleeping bag.
Fantastic, fantastic episode. This is what we're looking for in Dawson's Creek - namely, no Dunstan, no Crazy Audrey, no Chipmunk Face. Nobody other than Paceman and Ah Joey - flirting, bickering, unleashing the snappy dialogue. I vote that from now on the show just becomes an ongoing series of Ah Joey and Paceman being locked in places and squabbling about it and making out and perhaps bust smuggling rings. Because that, my friends, is quality television.
I suspect that in the next episode the pair of them will be locked in an Egyptian tomb where they will flirt, bicker and confront some wicked Boston cat-smugglers!
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Paceman's Goatee. Not much choice this episode but, happily, for the first time, the one we want to die actually did die. Are you paying attention, Crazy Audrey??
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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