THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.5 / 10 
14: Party Time!
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
The boys are back in town and they've brought back a big-screen TV and a party atmosphere. I refer, of course, to the inimitable Paceman and Gay Jack, whose absence cost the previous episode so dearly.
They've used Paceman's vast wealth to purchase a TV. There is a running gag that all the girls hate the big-screen TV whereas all the guys love it. Hahaha. Because, y'know, of how funny stereotypes are.
Anyway, if you buy a TV you must throw a party - that's just a quaint Boston law. So a party is thrown and everybody's invited except Dunstan and Crazy Audrey who are over the other side of the country in a completely different subplot.
"The more the writers try to portray Crazy Audrey as kooky and zany and off-the-wall, the more bilious I become."
(The Dunstan-Crazy Audrey subplot is appalling. The more the writers try to portray Crazy Audrey as kooky and zany and off-the-wall, the more bilious I become. It just does not work, writers!! It just does not work. The only highlight of this subplot is that Dunstan meets a female movie producer in the rehab clinic and her name is Tony Stark - which, I'm pretty sure, is the secret identity of The Invincible Iron Man! Dunstan wisely does not blow the cover.)
But the party's where it's happening. Y'know, it's gotta be a great party when Ah Joey gets shit-faced. She's done it before and, by gum, she's gonna do it again. This is Dawson's Creek Gold, people.
So Ah Joey is rapidly shit-faced and this is very comedic. But what else is happening?
Well, British Drum Machine announces that she is engaged to a scary, scraggly man. At first I think it's Bob, Crazy Audrey's hilarious fart-joke squeeze from the previous episode, but upon closer inspection it's not. It's Bob Mark II.
Elsewhere, Paceman has bowed to the ludicrous wishes of Chipmunk Face and her hideous haircut and promised not to punch Counsellor Studmuffin in the head. Damn you, Chipmunk Face. Give us some entertainment - is Ah Joey and her shit-facedness expected to carry everything!?!
Well yes, because Ah Joey's drunkenness is manifested with her telling Counsellor GayAsTheyCome about the time Gay Jack posed in the nude for her and got an enormous woodie. Hahaha. Also, she tells Counsellor Studmuffin that Chipmunk Face once killed Bad Girl Abby, way back in Season Two. This doesn't concern Counsellor Studmuffin. Chipmunk Face's possible murderous tendencies are the least of her flaws.
By now, Paceman has reasoned that if he can't punch Counsellor Studmuffin in the head, he can, at the very least, give him a beer and rekindle his latent alcoholism. Which he does.
Chipmunk Face gets very cross about this and an incomprehensible fight between Chipmunk Face and Counsellor Studmuffin ensues. I followed not one sentence of the fight - perhaps it was over the stupidity of certain haircuts. Perhaps it was over the thematic structure of the film Panic Room. As I say, I have not one skerrick of an idea.
Also, British Drum Machine reveals that she is marrying Bob Mark II as part of some insane immigration scam. We are supposed to care and feel sorry for her.
But don't.
Somewhere, in a bedroom far, far away, Paceman and Ah Joey have slipped away. Ah Joey is still shit-faced.
"You're not over me," she says.
"'Que pasa?' says Paceman."
"Que pasa?" says Paceman.
"Crazy Audrey says you're not over me," repeats Ah Joey.
"Ooooooooooh," says Paceman. And then makes light of it all. "I see. No, of course I'm not over you Ah Joey. I cry myself to sleep every night just thinking of your glorious dimples and big brown eyes and the thing you do with your hair when you flick it behind your ear and your cute little half-smile, and when you kinda wrinkle your nose and--"
Ah Joey has by now fallen asleep.
But Paceman continues on for about five more minutes. Oh Paceman, you brave little soldier, you.
But then Ah Joey wakes up and organises a game of 'Spin The Bottle'. This inspires Chipmunk Face and Counsellor Studmuffin to end their unfathomable argument and go have some unfathomable sex instead.
And then Paceman spins and gets Ah Joey... there is sexual tension. It's a game, but it's kinda real (much like beach volleyball). Ah Joey switches her dimples on. Paceman smooths out his idiotic goatee. They move in...
...and Bob Mark II falls off the big TV set destroying the moment (and the TV) totally. So British Drum Machine calls off the engagement and kicks him out. Gay Jack volunteers to marry BDM, but BDM will have none of it, ostensibly because Gay Jack is too good for her. Or something. Well, obviously, BDM, but that's not stopping Counsellor GayAsTheyCome, is it?
And that's kinda it, except for the final, fantastic scene where Paceman is putting the passed out Ah Joey into bed. Thinking she's asleep, Paceman repeats his previous five minute monologue about the things he misses about Ah Joey but this time without the saracastic overtones.
But Ah Joey's awake!! And hears him!!! And claims her Spin The Bottle kiss!!!! 'Well, okay,' thinks Paceman, and squeezes her butt a little.
Much rejoicing. Several trillion out of ten. Any episode where Ah Joey is shit-faced is bound to end in joy, and a renewal of passions between the Paceman and Ah Joey is all that we could have hoped for. Let us hope that Dunstan finds out, regresses to Series Three and loses it completely.
Perhaps he'll do it in the next episode.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Crazy Audrey. Singularly appalling to an extent I can barely describe.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.5 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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