THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.2 / 10 
13: The Battle Of The Repugnant Blondes
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, it's showdown time. Things are getting serious now. Crazy Audrey is not dead and in this episode she ups the ante in her ongoing war with Chipmunk Face. Who will win The Battle of the Repugnant Blondes?
Before we get to that, there's the preliminary bout - namely Dunstan's directorial debut. Now that Dunstan's been put in the chair he has begun to panic. For example, instead of yelling 'cut!', he's yelling 'hugbunny!!', which tends to leave his crew somewhat baffled. Baffled, but feeling a bit warmer inside.
He's also forgetting other fundamentals.
"What's this?" he says, at one point.
"'That's the camera, dude,' says Joe the Cameraman."
"That's the camera, dude," says Joe the Cameraman.
"Interesting..." says Dunstan.
It all comes to a bit of a head when Dunstan starts applying makeup to himself instead of the actors. The crew giggles and Tempestuous Actress is miffed at the quality of his mascara, and eventually Dunstan can take it no more.
He fires Joe the Cameraman for 'gross antidisestablishmentarianism' and starts barking orders at the rest. They respond positively to this mean streak - especially Tempestuous Actress who gets all hot and bothered and shags him silly after the shoot.
And that's pretty much it for this preliminary bout. Tempestuous Actress actually came across as somewhat sexy in these scenes - she had an eyebrow thing going a la Kelly in BH90210. Which, y'know, can be somewhat comely.
So Dunstan shags her and then says "Hey, this is just sex, right!!"
"It sure is," says Tempestuous Actress.
"Cool," says Dunstan, grinning idiotically.
All right, enough of that. Onto the main bout. In one corner, we have the all-time Dawson's Creek champion - Chipmunk Face. In the other, we have the relative newcomer Crazy Audrey. Both are striving to be the most repugnant blonde on the show. Who will win? Let us see, shall we...
We'll start with Chipmunk Face. She opens up the Repug Level with her haircut. I only got a brief glimpse of it in yesterday's episode... but by God, it truly is appalling. Early points to the Chipmunk.
I think she realises she's under pressure though because she drags poor old Grams into it. Grams, who has been absent for a good half-dozen episodes or so on an extended trip, has suddenly returned to say that she has broken up with her boyfriend.
"Any particular reason?" asks Chipmunk Face.
"I think we just shagged out," says Grams.
"Ew..."
But then Chipmunk Face hears that Counsellor Studmuffin's Uncle Bill has also shagged out his most recent girlfriend. So she decides, in the most repellant way possible, that it would be a good idea to set Uncle Bill up with Grams. Because, like, they're both over 45. Hence, compatible.
So she and Counsellor Studmuffin double-date with Uncle Bill and Grms. And it is as appalling as one might imagine. Uncle Bill is unimaginably rude - he calls Grams a 'religious %$#*" and a '^#*%-ed up old drug monster'
But whaddayaknow, this turns Grams on!! Ah, the Chipmunk gene. Makes the ladies love the abuse. So Grams goes home with Uncle Bill and (it is implied) they go a little bit Basic Instinct on one another.
Oh yes, and then Counsellor Studmuffin decides, what the heck, he might as well sleep with a Chipmunk. So he moves in, tonguewise, and Chipmunk Face turns away before turning back, grinning idiotically, says 'just kidding' and then they suck faceage.
All truly repellent and disgusting, you might think. And you'd be right. But is it enough to topple the giant of the repugnance world - Crazy Audrey? Let us see.
Firstly, Crazy Audrey didn't die last episode. That is horrific enough.
But then she refuses to go to rehab - despite promising Ah Joey that she would! Instead, she meets up with 'Bob'. I was kind of under the impression that Bob was some special cameo guest star who I was supposed to recognise. But I didn't. Perhaps he was 'Bob' from Twin Peaks. Yes. Let us assume that.
Anyway, Crazy Audrey shags Bob and then crashes out in a bathtub. Ah Joey and the returned Dimplestruck Barman find her there and suddenly, it is decided that they will all drive to California!! Including Bob!! It's much like the Muppet Movie in this sense.
Moving right along... and Crazy Audrey is continuing to be an absolute bovine. She mocks Dimplestruck Barman for his poverty and then steals his car. She and Bob drive off.
They end up in a bar (oh, and BTW, I should add that Bob has improved the show immensely by providing an outlet for fart humour, with the gang all having to stick their heads out of the window as he lets one rip. Hahahaha!! Thanks Bob). Crazy Audrey begins to sing - boy, she sure knows how to push her repugnance to absolute limits, doesn't she? - while Bob passes out in the corner.
"Crazy Audrey loses it and starts kicking this guy in the balls repeatedly."
Then Crazy Audrey goes outside to check out some guy's truck. It has giant wheels so Crazy Audrey loses it and starts kicking this guy in the balls repeatedly.
But Ah Joey and DB show up to rescue him from Crazy Audrey's fury. Which is odd. Because Crazy Audrey stole their car several hours earlier - so either she just drove around and around in circles or Ah Joey and DB walk with the speed of T-1000s from Terminator 2.
Regardless, they stop her from her nut attack and she agrees to go into rehab.
And that's pretty much it from Crazy Audrey. She adds one more appalling act when she babbles to Ah Joey about how unhappy she is and then takes Bob into the house to meet her parents and (presumably) fart at them.
So who wins? On the one hand, Chipmunk Face, her ridiculous haircut and the obnoxious setting up of her Grams and Uncle Bill. On the other hand, Crazy Audrey, her dalliance with Bob and her ongoing self-pity. Of course, hands are just a metaphor for feet, so I'd like to kick them both off my screen, but alas, this is not an option.
So, grudgingly, I decree that Crazy Audrey is the victor in this little bout. But I'm pleased to see Chipmunk Face making a good fight of it. With ten or so episodes to go, I'm sure there's still hope for a good ding-dong battle.
Oh, and guys. I know that you've been doing this rotation thing where you roster certain characters off each episode. Fair enough, I wouldn't want to appear on this show every week. But, let's think about this a little, okay? There's no need to roster both Gay Jack and Paceman off in the one episode. That's just foolishness - the show is simply not strong enough to forgo both Paceman's charming oafishness or Gay Jack's determined sexuality affirmation. It's like playing Soccer-Chess against Mars and not picking the Kasparov-Pele team.
So, a poor episode - far too much Chipmunk Face. Far too much Crazy Audrey. I give this episode 3 out of 10. And that's only because of Tempestuous Actress's sexy eyebrow thing and Ah Joey, who was really making a scarf work for her (oh, BTW, Ah Joey broke up with DB again. No, rooly trooly she did this time. She means it). Hopefully, the gang can lift their game in the next episode.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Crazy Audrey. But only just.
Begone,
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