THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.2 / 10 
11: The Gift Of Stupidity
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, somewhere between all the Christmas festivities and watchings of Return of the King and the like, an episode of Dawson snuck on through. Let's see if I can recall what happened.
Christmas has come and gone and Dimplestruck Barman has decided to give himself the gift of stupidity and disappear from Ah Joey's life. He's not returning calls and not showing up to say, like, "hey, cutie-pie" and stuff. So that's pretty dumb. Ah Joey, silly needy girl that she is, continues to call and leave more and more desperate (and sexually explicit) messages. But DB is holding solid in his stupid stance.
Meanwhile, Dunstan and Dimplestruck Barman are in a meeting with their Wicked Executive Producer and also the mean teacher from The Breakfast Club.
"... movie has been ... decried as ... 'the kind of thing you might have expected in Nazi Germany'."
They are being held in detention because their movie has been previewed and it has been unanimously decried as 'nonsense', 'dull' and 'the kind of thing you might have expected in Nazi Germany'.
"Why don't you change the ending?" asks Wicked EP. "I've heard talk of this Lord of the Rings movie. The kids seem to be enjoying it. Why don't we put you on a backlot studio for a couple of days and you can rejig your movie to make it more Middle Earth-ish."
"That was based on a book, you know," points out Breakfast Club Teacher.
"So you see," says Wicked EP, and holds out her hands at the generosity of this offer.
"Never!!!!" says British Director and storms from the room.
"Hmmm..." thinks Dunstan.
Elsewhere, as so often happens in life, Paceman has bumped into British Drum Machine at the local aquarium. They chat and flirt and BDM makes fun of Paceman's job.
Paceman explains how he feels like a winner now. He used to be a loser but now he's rich and, hence, a winner.
"In what sense were you a loser?" asks BDM.
And Paceman explains the first few seasons of the show to her.
"Yes, I see," says BDM. "So as a school kid you shagged your hot teacher and stole Ah Joey from Dunstan. And then you finished school and started bonking Crazy Audrey." She smiles a 'do you get it?' smile at him.
"I see your point," says Paceman.
"So why don't you revert to your old self and forgo the monetary advantages of your new, sad, Crazy Audrey-laden lifestyle."
Paceman rubs his goatee in thought.
"Oh, and shave your goatee off too. It looks absurd. Now I'll see you here tomorrow, clean-shaven and in a Hawaiian shirt."
Paceman thinks some more. This takes a lot of time, so we'll shift to the other major subplot.
Chipmunk Face is being trained by Counsellor Studmuffin in how to answer the phone and talk to wretched people. This is hard for Chipmunk Face - not the talking to wretched people bit, that's easy - but picking up the phone. Difficult with chipmunk paws and no opposable thumbs.
And Counsellor Studmuffin is naturally giving her a hard time.
"Hahaha," he says. "You suck as a counsellor."
So Chipmunk Face threatens to quit. There is a sense of the self-pitying old Chipmunk Face starting to come back into play. Perhaps she is trying to reclaim her throne back from Crazy Audrey (this is helped by the fact that Crazy Audrey does not make much of an appearance in the show - just a brief scene where she talks to Dunstan and apologises for having snuck Jack Bloody Osbourne in for another cameo).
"So it's kinda fun, but repetitive."
But the whole Counsellor Studmuffin-Chipmunk Face subplot doesn't go particularly far. Studmuffin continues to rag on her and Chipmunk Face continues to feel sorry about her inability to counsel adequately. So it's kinda fun, but repetitive.
Oh and Gay Jack and Counsellor GayAsTheyCome are taking blood tests for some reason - I assume to prove definitively to one another that they're gay. It wasn't made at all clear. Gay Jack was nervous, but in the end passed the test. Kudos to him.
And that's pretty much it. Ah Joey eventually managed to come up with an excuse to visit DB, only to discover that his house was abandoned. Then she scammed fifty bucks off Professor Hold-A-Grudge but then gave it back. Didn't make much sense to me, really, that bit. But then, so very little about Ah Joey makes sense.
Dunstan waits until British Director's not about then seizes control of his movie, agreeing to all the producers' demands (the final decision is to re-shoot the movie as some kind of Breakfast Club-Lord of the Rings hybrid). Dunstan pretends that he doesn't want to take over the shoot, but he's not fooling anybody - for one thing, he already has conceptual art of Judd Nelson as a hobbit. For another, he's wearing a cap that says 'Dunstan the Director' on it.
Oh, and Paceman decides to give BDM's subtle offer of carnal lust a miss, and keeps his job. I think he figures that BDM is kinda cute, yes, but, OTOH, she's not tens of thousands of dollars cute. Which is fair enough, too.
A fine episode. The dark days of Crazy Audrey seem to be lifting somewhat - perhaps the show can finish on a high after all. Let's see what happens in the next episode.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Dimplestruck Barman. Anybody who just ups and disappears on Ah Joey deserves scorn and derision of the highest order.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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