THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.7 / 10 
10: A Very Dunstan-ey Christmas
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
In a remarkable confluence between our world and the Dawsoniverse, it turns out that Christmas approacheth in each. Certainly, in the universe of Dunstan and his pals it's a year earlier but let's not quibble about such trivialities. The point is that it's Christmas and Dunstan has invited the entire cast (minus Gay Jack who is resting up after the previous episode's directorial triumph) to Capeside for Christmas dinner.
"Also, on the third hand, um, (cough) jailbird (cough)"
Now there's a whole heap of tomfoolery here, with Ah Joey's Dad (who has busted out of his halfway house for the meal) making fun of Dimplestruck Barman for not being good enough for Ah Joey. On the one hand you can see his point - DB is clearly no Paceman, but OTOH he's a rather large step forward from Dunstan. Also, on the third hand, um, (cough) jailbird (cough)
Other such nonsense goes on as well. Eg, Paceman's Gay Brother gives Paceman a hard time for having enough money to afford a swanky new car. Paceman feels that this is 'harsh'. Also, Tempestuous Actress confesses to Dunstan that she shagged the All-New Ashton Kutcher and British Director comes onto Mrs Flash. She knocks him back so he gets drunk and makes a hilarious speech where he mispronounces the word 'progeny'. Oh, British Director - you're a one-man travelling circus.
But all of this pales into meaninglessness behind the magical scene that is The Crazy Audrey Scene.
For, y'see, Crazy Audrey has gotten herself wasted as well. But, unlike British Director and his amusing drunkery, Crazy Audrey is a mean, mean drunk. And she starts calling the cast on their foibles.
"Dunstan, Ah Joey - what is with you two?" she begins. "You shag once and then never speak again? Sure, you can invite your pretty new bonks along for Christmas dinner but neither of you will have any hope of a relationship of any depth until you learn to get over the other. Dunstan, I understand your difficulty. But Ah Joey, really. Look at him."
Paceman interrupts this diatribe. "Crazy Audrey, you're out of line."
Crazy Audrey turns on him. "Paceman, I pity you. Whenever anybody dares attack the precious princess that got away you immediately go all noble and on the attack. It's a shame she screwed you up so badly that you can never have another meaningful relationship ever."
"Chipmunk Face," she continues. "I'm sorry I shagged Counsellor Studmuffin who you had designated as your own. However, I mean, lawks. If he settled for me, he would surely have settled for you. You simply moved too slowly. So shame on you."
She continues.
"Tempestuous Actress - you're slutty and skanky, I can appreciate that, but you're also doing it with Dunstan and that's just -- ewww!"
"British Director - your accent is almost as bad as British Drum Machine's."
"British Drum Machine - you're not even here, which just sucks totally."
"Dimplestruck Barman - um, you don't have a proper job."
"Ah Joey's Dad - I'm calling the pigs on you before I leave."
"Paceman's Gay Brother. You're a pig, aren't you? Arrest Ah Joey's Dad."
"Rumour has it you cheated on a noble superhero and I can't abide that."
"Mrs Flash. I don't know you but I don't like you one bit. Rumour has it you cheated on a noble superhero and I can't abide that."
And after this little attack on how wretched everybody's lives and dreams are, Crazy Audrey runs drunkenly out. Everybody turns to one another and says "Um, Crazy Audrey. Pot. Kettle. Black."
Then Crazy Audrey steals Paceman's car, drives drunkenly and crashes through the wall of the set!! And that's pretty much it. She doesn't die, but as Paceman's Gay Brother correctly points out, if he doesn't bust her for this, she'll drive drunk again and next time she might just kill herself.
"Oh, please don't bust her for this," begs Paceman.
A fantastic scene, and a scene that made an otherwise lacklustre episode sing. Kudos to Crazy Audrey for finally doing something entertaining. And further kudos for almost killing herself afterwards.
I give this scene (and, hence, the episode) five stars (Proxima Centauri, Vega, our very own sun, Orion and Hillary Swank (the dog star)) and look forward to the next episode.
The One I Most Want To Die This Episode: Chipmunk Face. I may not have liked you when you were a self-pitying slutty loser, but at least I respected the fact that you had marked out your turf. Well, I didn't respect that, but I'm shocked and ashamed that you've allowed Crazy Audrey to take it over so totally. What are you now, Chipmunk Face? Just the token Chipmunk? Shame on you, shame on you.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
If it should be higher, click the green arrow:
And if you think it should be lower, try the red one:
To receive this kind of stuff via a convenient regular email, visit the subscription page
Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
