THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 6
Score: 7.8 / 10 
1: Dunstan And Ah Joey Get It On
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
All rightey then people! It's an all new season of The Dawson Files... and what's more, it's the last season. Boo-yah! All I know at this point is that somebody dies in the last episode - here's hoping it's Chipmunk Face in a thresher - but everything else remains a mystery.
So we open with Ah Joey filling us in via voiceover on what happened between the end of last year's ridiculous season and the beginning of this year's ridiculous season.
She informs us that she was too lame to go to Paris, so she ended up hanging around Capeside instead and screwing with some other poor guy's mind in the usual Ah Joey fashion. Meanwhile, Gay Jack turned Grams' attic into a gay bordello, with which he consorted with young stallions on a regular basis.
Paceman was attacked by a goatee, which has addled his mind (and face) to such an extent that he forgot to dump the still-appalling Crazy Audrey. And Chipmunk Face's parents have decided to divorce, which pleases Chipmunk Face no end.
In fact, after the opening credits roll, Chipmunk Face shows up to breakfast and says to Grams "hey, you notice anything different about me?"
"Have you been snorting my jazz salt?"
"Um," says Grams. "Let's see... chipmunkey. Tick. Sluttish. Tick. Self-pitying wretch. Ti-- heeeeeeey, wait a minute. Why are you not droning on and on about how tedious and awful your life is, young lady? Have you been snorting my jazz salt?"
Chipmunk Face grins to herself idiotically, while Grams makes an ominous mental note.
Over at campus, Ah Joey bumps into the professor for her next class and knocks him over. She apologises but this is Professor Hold-A-Grudge, and he instantly decides that he will hate Ah Joey forever.
Ah Joey tries to unleash her dimples, but Professor Hold-A-Grudge is immune! He tells Ah Joey that unless she can read the latest Harry Potter book (Harry Potter and the Implausible Hyacinth of Botulism) before 3:00pm, he will mock and ridicule her. (This is eerily reminiscent of Professor WildStallion's bizarre mind games last year - what is it about Ah Joey that inspires such gross dereliction of ethical standards in these lecturers?!? Oh... yeah... the cuteness. Right.)
Meanwhile, Paceman has managed to discard Crazy Audrey (but not his goatee) and move in with Gay Jack for a bit. The two of them chat amiably and eventually decide that they should get a pad together.
"We'll be the original odd couple!" enthuses Paceman.
"Because I'm gay!" says Gay Jack.
Sigh. "Yes," says Paceman.
So Paceman heads off to find the best apartment in Boston! Which he does! And which is owned by a drum machine! With a British accent! No, seriously!
The previous triumphant and exclamatory paragraph kinda peters out a little bit, though, when the drum machine tells Paceman that he can't move in... y'know because of the sexual tension.
"'We're talkin' what now?' says Paceman..."
"We're talkin' what now?" says Paceman, baffled beyond comprehension.
Meanwhile, Dunstan has very funnily stood Ah Joey up for a lunch date (oh, should have mentioned before that Dunstan and Ah Joey haven't spoken since last season, because... well, nobody really knows why, but Dunstan's back in town and left a message on Ah Joey's machine for a lunch date... which he's now stood her up at) and made her late for class with Professor Hold-A-Grudge, who continues to live up to his name with unbridled tormenting.
"Ah Joey," he says. "What did you think of Harry's inner conflict when the Mystical Cappucino Maker of Furrowing confronted him?"
"Ummm... Well, I only read one vignette..."
"Vignette?!?" says Prof Hold-A-Grudge. "What the hell are you talking about? You're not French, are you?"
"Ummm... oui?" And she tries to give les dimples another go. But she misses and hits some other doofus who falls immediately in love with her. Coises, thinks Ah Joey.
Oh, and Grams has swiftly brought Chipmunk Face's good mood well back to Earth by showing up in her 'Advanced Sluttery 271' course. "What are you doing here?" says Chipmunk Face. "Tryin' to get me some man-lovin'" replies Grams. "Duh!"
So then Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack go to another course which is run by Professor InTheCloset. I completely assume that will be relevant in future episodes.
Then it's off to the local bar for the evening. Ah Joey is waiting for her song to come on the jukebox. But waiting in vain...
So Paceman comes over and confesses that he's "had rather the gutful of Crazy Audrey... look at her, she's a freakin' monstrosity".
Ah Joey wrinkles her nose in her patented fashion.
"On the one hand," she says. "You're my friend and the most totally buff lover I've ever had, and I tend to think that you should do what makes you happy."
Buff, thinks Paceman to himself. And rubs his goatee in triumph.
"But on the other hand," continues Ah Joey. "Crazy Audrey is my loathsome room-mate and friend. If you break her heart, I'll break your head."
"What about if I break her head?" says Paceman.
Oh yeah, and in a totally wild coincidence, the British drum machine who owns the apartment that Gay Jack and Paceman are destined to end up in, is a bartender at the bar so (obviously) offers Ah Joey a job.
"... just 'cause the show's named after him doesn't mean he can't take the first three quarters of an hour off."
And everybody's waiting around for Dunstan... but he's not showing up. Hell, just 'cause the show's named after him doesn't mean he can't take the first three quarters of an hour off. So everybody says 'screw it' and goes home to wait for the credits.
Except for Ah Joey, who is ostensibly still waiting for her song to come on the juke box. But, in reality, is of course waiting around for Dunstan - whose stand-up skills have taken everybody by surprise. Guess that's what comes when you work on Treat 'Em Mean, Keep 'Em Keen: The Movie.
But then just when Ah Joey gives up, Dunstan shows up and says 'Yo, bitch!' Stickin' to his strategy.
And they get to talking. Dunstan explains to Ah Joey that she's not the Fonz, and she has to put money in to make the magic singing box play. So he does and her song (Welcome To The Jungle) comes on and they dance. And then they go back to Ah Joey's place and Ah Joey invites Dunstan in for the evening. By this stage, Dunstan has changed tack wildly, abandoning his mean-treating and moving straight back into lame-ass sooooooooooooul maaaaaaaaaaaate territory.
But it's too late. Ah Joey can't back out now. Fortunately, she knows that Dunstan's such a weenie that nothing will happen, no matter how provocative she may have been.
And she's proven right, because despite unleashing a high quality singlet, Dunstan has fallen asleep like the idiot dropkick that he is.
"Sucker," thinks Ah Joey. And crawls into bed.
But then!!! Dunstan wakes up and magically it's Ah Joey's birthday so he gives her one of those stupid snow-globe things (y'know, in between about ten minutes of sooooooooooul maaaaaate talk).
To shut up his rambling, Ah Joey decides 'what the hell!' and shags him silly.
Well, okay, thinks Dunstan. Snow globes. That's the way to a woman's loins.
And on that revelatory note, we end the opening episode. Not a bad one either. Only had to put up with Dunstan for about a quarter of the episode - always a good thing. On the down side, he really had the sooooooooul maaaaaaaaaate nonsense going big time. Probably got an hour's worth of it into his quarter hour, regardless. But, on the plus side once more, he finally bloody did the girl. Thank you, writers. Thank you, snow globe.
Next Week: They break up. Duh!
The One I Most Want To Die (End of Week One): Crazy Audrey!
Begone,
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