THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.3 / 10 
8: Dunstan Has Sex With A Chipmunk!
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
One of the all-time great episodes of Dunstan's Creek tonight. It's back to the future as surely as if Doc and Marty had shown up in the flying Delorean time machine themselves.
As proof of the retro nature of this episode, we open with Dunstan and Paceman sitting in the boat, chatting as amiably as two could amiably chat. No mention is made of the fact that Paceman deflowered Ah Joey, a duty that Dunstan had long considered his birthright.
No, instead there's just general chit-chat. Paceman is babbling about the waitress who he has the hots for, recapping last week's tedious subplot.
"The Paceman I know would sort this situation out," opines Dunstan. And then, below his breath. "Especially if the waitress was my chick." So, things aren't completely forgotten.
"Anyway," says Paceman. "I shouldn't be boring you with my tedious subplot. You have enough problems with your own subplot."
This is true. For Dunstan has won an award for Best Documentary About A Grumpy Director at the annual Grumpies, a film festival run in some hick town (possibly called Grumpy Town).
He is talking about it with his Throaty Babe Psychiatrist. He's also whining about how nobody will burden him with the details of their subplots.
"You're not missing much," says TBP, who saw last week's episode. "Anything else?"
"Well, yes," says Dunstan. "There's this strange growth between my legs..."
"'That's your penis!' reveals TBP."
"That's your penis!" reveals TBP. "The anti-madness drugs I've given you have concentrated testosterone in them."
"Golly," says Dunstan.
Anyway, by the time he tracks down Chipmunk Face, she's in tears because Alvin is trying to woo back his other bimbo rather than her.
"I know it shouldn't bother me," she says.
"Boy," says Dunstan. "I think it should bother you. Clearly, he found her a lot hotter than you. Which would make sense if you think about it."
"Hey," he said. "Now that I've cheered you up, come to this lame film festival in Grumpy Town with me."
Chipmunk Face nods obediently.
Elsewhere, Gay Jack has been commandeered by his frathouse doodz and ordered to supply some 'quality chix' for some frat party.
Weirdly, he offers up Crazy Audrey, hogging Ah Joey for himself, despite his lack of use for her.
Paceman has organised a date with his waitress chick. Yawn.
So Chipmunk Face and Dunstan arrive in Grumpy Town and are feted as celebrities of the highest order. Chipmunk Face is assumed to be Dunstan's girlfriend so the pair of them are booked into the hotel's sluttiest suite.
There's also a bit of rivalry there with a Ben Stiller wannabe who is Grumpy Town's finest cinematic artisan. He calls Dunstan a 'Hollywood Slickster', for reasons that elude everybody.
Meanwhile, Paceman has shagged the waitress. Yawn. He's also quit his job for some reason. Yawn again.
Gay Jack has by now dragged Ah Joey and Crazy Audrey to his frat party and is now pimping out Crazy Audrey to some drunk who wants her body.
"I can't remember the last time I saw Ah Joey storm out of somewhere."
Ah Joey gets wind of this and, in another magnificent Back To The Future moment, storms out. I can't remember the last time I saw Ah Joey storm out of somewhere.
But all the interest is back at the film festival where, in the ultimate Back To The Future portion of the show, Dunstan has rediscovered his lust for chipmunks.
Dunstan accepts his 'Grumpy' award, with the hander-out of the award, Luther Vandross, recalling how he wanted to hate the movie but Mr Flash's letter of commendation was so moving that he eventually grew to love it.
Dunstan gets up and makes a speech, accepting the award, nominates the defining moment in the making of the movie to be the moment when he decided to splice in some old footage of Paceman bonking his teacher way back in series one. "Because," he says, "Let's face it, ninety minutes of listening to some Grumpy Old Director prattle on about nothing would have been as boring as batshit."
Everyone agrees and applauds. The Ben Stiller Wannabe changes his entire 'tood about Dunstan and invites him to join his Kewl Film-Making Club. Guess where it's based? Boston! It's Boston Mania on Dunstan's Creek.
And then to celebrate, Dunstan bonks Chipmunk Face with his brand new penis!! And even more bizarrely, the next morning he suggests he would like to do it again!! Ewwww. Gross.
An excellent episode. The notion of Dunstan running amok with a penis is a frightening one to explore, but it could give the show the edginess it has so sorely lacked this season.
Next Week: The Dawson's Creek Players do Twilight Zone: The Movie
Begone,
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