THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.4 / 10 
7: A Lesson For Future Generations
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Y'know, I tried to care. Truly I did. But let's look at how difficult these people made it for me this week.
Firstly, Dunstan is off to see a shrink because his father's still dead and Dunstan doesn't want to go back to University because his father had been sloppy with some paperwork (I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention to this bit). Anyway, naturally, the shrink is a babe, although she does have a rather husky voice. So she sucks down a strepsil, tells Dunstan to do whatever the hell he wants. And that's about it for that plot.
"... she's gone a bit slutty specifically in Dunstan's direction."
Chipmunk Face is bonding with Dunstan because she, too, has been to a shrink (last season, people. Remember? He was cool and made her stare at goldfish). So she's gone a bit slutty specifically in Dunstan's direction. And that's about it there.
Paceman is hot for a waitress he works with. Like most waitresses she is sleeping with Mr Miyagi, the head chef. Paceman tries to convince her that sleeping with a married man is just asking for trouble much as if one had a megaphone specifically designed solely to magnify the phrase 'give me trouble'. She doesn't listen. And that's all that happens there.
Gay Jack is nowhere to be seen. I assume he was at the Frat House being the gayest, drunkest jock in history. Kudos to him. His absence, however, means that we only have one subplot left.
"... it doesn't matter, because she's as cute as a hatter ..."
And it's Ah Joey's. Ah Joey is a bit concerned because she's not as well educated as other students who have had more education than her. Possibly one of the all-time dumbest subplots that any writer of this show has ever concocted. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because she's as cute as a hatter and so flashes her dimples and her idiot lecturer accepts her preposterous theory (ie that 'Elton John is a gifted musical artist') as fact.
Then, in a very exciting speech, the Cool Lecturer explains that Ah Joey should cherish her stupidity because it is only through stupidity that the world makes any progress. I can't remember the details, but I know it made no sense whatsover so Ah Joey bought it straight away.
So you see... not an interesting subplot in the entire episode. I decree that this episode shall be buried in a time capsule so that hopefully teen soap writers of the 22nd Century can learn from our mistakes.
Next week: Ah, but next week!! It turns out that Dunstan's cute, but throaty shrink has slipped a boost of testosterone into his anti-madness drugs. For Dunstan grows a penis and bonks Chipmunk Face!!! Which just shows that sometimes you should be careful what you wish for.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.4 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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