THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.6 / 10 
6: Dunstan's Doozy Speech
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
A thrillingly nasty episode this week. We open with Chipmunk Face whining to Paceman about how horrid Alvin is for cheating on her.
"I think you should be thankful for what you got," suggests Paceman. "Chipmunk-lovers are few and far between."
"True," sighs Chipmunk Face.
"Besides, isn't Gay Jack the one who is usually nominated to listen to your inane complaints?"
Chipmunk Face admits this is so, and so Paceman shoos her out of his boat.
Meanwhile, Dunstan is talking to his GP about his weak-assed anxiety attack last episode.
"Hmmm..." says Dr Livingstone. "I think you should see a Grief Therapist who coincidentally works in Boston, right beside where Ah Joey lives."
"Grief Counsellor?? Don't you mean a shrink?"
"Yes, of course. Dunstan, you are suffering from what we doctors like to call blblblblb." (--making the 'crazy noise' by running his finger over his lips--) "I want you as far away from me as possible."
So Dunstan calls Ah Joey and says 'I'm comin' to town, baby! I'll call you when I get there. We'll do brunch!' and zooms down to Boston.
Ah Joey, meanwhile has been warned by Crazy Audrey that her mother is coming to town also. (That's Crazy Audrey's mother, not Ah Joey's. Ah Joey's mother has not risen from the grave, although that's always a future possibility. Imagine if all the dead Dawson characters came back to life and fought the living ones. You'd have Ah Joey's mum, Mr Flash, Grams' dead husband, Bad Girl Abby Who Fell Off The Pier And Drowned, Grumpy Old Director, Gay Jack's brother - it's quite the death-ridden town when one thinks carefully. And I'd like to think that the undead Capesiders could easily destroy the living ones. What an episode it would be! Perhaps Buffy could guest star!! But I digress...) Anyway, Crazy Audrey explains to Ah Joey that her (Crazy Audrey's again) mother is a total bitch.
"Well, I'll be the judge of that," says Ah Joey. Because she knows better than most.
"She ... starts telling Crazy Audrey what a fat, ugly, malodorous cow she is."
But she is a bitch. She comes in and immediately starts telling Crazy Audrey what a fat, ugly, malodorous cow she is. Which is just an unnecessary set of facts to draw to Ah Joey's attention.
But Ah Joey is enjoying the belittling so much that she takes them both out to dinner.
Paceman has by now gotten all cranky with Mr Miyagi, his boss, because he used Paceman's boat to bonk somebody other than his wife. (Again, 'Miyagi's wife', not 'Paceman's wife'.) So when Miyagi asks to use the boat again that night, Paceman invents a fictitious party. "Sorry," he says. And then forgets that the party is fictitious and invites everybody to come along. Paceman... still not all that bright.
Dunstan couldn't be bothered seeing his shrink and so has instead arrived at Grams' house where Chipmunk Face says 'Hello, Goodbye'. Gay Jack tops her with a very saucy rendition of I Am The Walrus. The two glare hatefully at one another before Chipmunk Face scurries off.
(I'm not 100% clear why Gay Jack hates Chipmunk Face so much. Well, that's not true. I obviously know why. I just can't work out why it took so long...)
Gay Jack and Dunstan head down to the frat house for some testosterone stuff. Drinking beer, eating meat, urinating in public. It's a man's life, and Dunstan is willing to join in. So much so that he ignores Ah Joey when she calls him.
"Who is it?" asks one of the fratheads.
"Just some chick!" says Dunstan and there is a roar of approval. High fives abound.
Ah Joey is calling from the restaurant where it is half-time in Crazy Audrey's Mum's diatribe of hate. She has spewed forth an alarming amount of vitriol and ridicule, claiming that Crazy Audrey was 'worse than Hitler', 'lacking in feminine hygiene' and 'the single most repugnant humanoid to ever grace this university'. She also explained how Crazy Audrey was 'cross-eyed' and 'uninsurable'.
"Eventually, Ah Joey ... takes Crazy Audrey to Paceman's fictitious boat party."
Eventually, Ah Joey blows the whistle, calls fulltime, declares Crazy Audrey's Crazy Mother the winner and takes Crazy Audrey to Paceman's fictitious boat party.
Chipmunk Face and the other bimbo who Alvin was sleeping with also gain revenge in some strange scene about threesomes and Alvin getting locked outside without his clothes on. I think it was supposed to be clever and funny and mildly arousing. But it was instead highly lame. Much like Chipmunk Face herself really.
Hell hath no lameness like a chipmunk scorned.
And then off to the fictitious party at Paceman's boat.
Dunstan shows up with Gay Jack and the frat boys and comes up with the best speech of the night. He is talking to Ah Joey and says:
"I was going to call you but I was drunk and we all remember how when you called me when you were drunk a few episodes ago it started a chain of events that led directly to my father's death. Ah Joey - you murdered my father."
And then he giggled and had another beer.
But, of course, the next day Ah Joey forgave him and, in fact, rewarded him with a passionate kiss on the lips. Not really clear why she did this - but the lass clearly has esteem issues and thrives on abuse.
Then she heads back to her dorm where Crazy Audrey is banishing her mother (until next visit). Crazy Audrey wanders over to Ah Joey.
"You don't think any less of me for what my mother said?" asks Crazy Audrey.
"I couldn't possibly," says Ah Joey.
And that's about it. Dunstan's speech was a doozy and this episode will, therefore, forever be known as 'Dunstan's Doozy Speech'
Next week: I think Ah Joey cracks onto her teacher. Dunstan probably loses it a little bit more.
Begone,
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