THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.5 / 10 
4: Funeral for Mr Flash
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Mr Flash is dead and we deal with the aftermath. While I am overcome with emotion (mostly biliousness), I am able, between tears, to piece together the following scenes.
..Sad opening credits, with sad music playing sadly and sans lyrics. It made me feel, what's the word? Yes, 'sad'. Oh, and also a little bit like dancing...
..Ah Joey meets up with Paceman, to tell him the tragic news. "Why so frowny?" asks Paceman. "Mr Flash has died." "Bummer. Still, it takes almost twice as many muscles to frown as it does to smile. So let's see those Ah Joey dimples, huh?" "You're an idiot, Paceman."...
..Dunstan chooses the coffin with the lightning bolt Flash insignia. "Excellent taste, sir," says the Coffinmaster. "I know," says Dunstan. "This is my burden"...
..Chipmunk Face is talking to Gay Jack. "I don't know what to say to Dunstan," she says. "Nobody ever knows what to say in these situations," advises Gay Jack. "Just say whatever comes naturally. I already know what I'm going to say." "Yes," sighs Chipmunk Face. "We all know what you'll say."...
..Mr Flash, apparently travelling back in time somehow, interrupts Dunstan and has a bit of a chat about movie cameras. This was creepy and made me highly uncomfortable and was unnecessarily repeated with all the other main characters later. I don't care if you are able to run faster than light and can therefore move back and forth in time at will - when you're dead, you're dead, Mr Flash!! So, stop it!! You're freakin' my bones, man!...
"Superman makes a speech, as does Captain America ..."
..Funeral for a Flash. Superman makes a speech, as does Captain America and Blue Cobalt, Mr Flash's arch-nemesis. Dunstan, idiot weenie that he is, refuses to allow Ah Joey to comfort him. Clearly, there is much grief, but, I mean, really...
..Chipmunk Face corners Dunstan in the kitchen and tells him she loves him and hugs him. Dunstan looks around nervously for an escape route, but only spies Gay Jack. "I'm gay," affirms Gay Jack. No escape there...
..Phone rings, Mr Flash's voice on the answering machine answers it. Dunstan freaks out and punches the answering machine into ten thousand pieces. Dunstan can cope with a dead Mr Flash travelling through time, like a hyper-kinetic ghost-being and chatting with him about video cameras from beyond the grave and yet a phone machine! Woooo-ooooo-ooooo - the evil spirits of the telecommunication industry have somehow captured Mr Flash's soul - wooo-oooooooo-ooooo. You idiot, Dunstan...
..Ah Joey tries to comfort Dunstan again. Nope, still not having any of it. "It's all my fault," says Dunstan. "If I had gone back to Hollywood like he demanded he wouldn't have been killed, he would have been driving me to the airport instead." "Well," says Ah Joey, trying to cheer him up. "Maybe you would have both been killed?" She then tries a different tack. "It wasn't your fault, Dunstan." Dunstan thinks about this. "No, you're right. It's your fault. You inspired me to be a quitter! You are to blame." "Well," backpedals Ah Joey. "Maybe it was your fault."...
"Try some of this."
..Grams assures Mrs Flash that the pain will eventually subside. "What do I do until then?" she asks. "Here," says Grams, handing over a vial of strange powder. "Try some of this."...
.."You know the saddest thing," says Mrs Flash to Dunstan, when she comes down from her hallucinogenic high. "Is that Baby Flashette will never know what her father was like." "Not if I have anything to say about it," says Dunstan, and unleashes a cruel, but eerily accurate impression of his late father. Mrs Flash bursts into tears, so Dunstan segues into his John Travolta impression, which is nowhere near as good...
..Paceman takes Dunstan out to the stretch of road where Mr Flash croaked and re-enacts his death in heinous detail. "The Anti-Monitor, ruler of the anti-matter universe, was driving home, having spent a double-shift destroying positive matter universes. He was tired and evil and so crashed head-first into Mr Flash. The Anti-Monitor is to blame for your father's death, not you. You are not to blame." "Oh, we've established that," says Dunstan. "It was Ah Joey's fault." "Ah Joey is the Anti-Monitor?!?" says Paceman, rubbing his chin, thoughtfully. Dunstan sighs. "You're an idiot, Paceman."...
..Ah Joey arrives back in Boston. "How is he?" asks Crazy Audrey. "He didn't turn to me for support at all!" says Ah Joey and bursts into tears. Crazy Audrey comforts her. "Don't forget you're still cute," she says. "I guess so," says Ah Joey, sniffing and composing herself. She smiles and sees herself in the mirror. "I am cute, aren't I?"...
...Oh, I almost forgot. Some crazy old shopkeeper inexplicably concocted an absurd lie about Mr Flash being proud of Dunstan. The only person this fooled was Dunstan, who burst into tears at the notion of anybody taking pride in his life. Very sad...
And that was it. A very sad episode. I'm still a bit upset. But I'll be better, because
Next week: Alvin cheats on Chipmunk Face. Should be highly funny stuff.
Begone,
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