THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.6 / 10 
3: Crisis on Capeside
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
We open with Crazy Audrey, Chipmunk Face and Ah Joey sitting around a table at a restaurant doing a Sex and the City impersonation. Which is pretty thoughtless - one Sex and the City is clearly already more than enough.
Ah Joey, perhaps realising this very fact, leaves the two sluttier ones to discuss 'booty calls' and 'ultra-slim tampons' and 'hormone replacement therapy' and other things far too crude for her pure little ears.
But who should she see in the kitchen of the restaurant but good ol' Paceman, waxing the fridge. Conveniently, Ah Joey is wearing a camouflage flak jacket so Paceman doesn't see her which should prove to be useful for an ongoing plot point this evening (ie Ah Joey dithering about whether to go say 'hi').
Elsewhere, young Dunstan has flown back to Capeside to tell his parents that he wants to be a quitter.
'Parents,' he says. 'I want to be a quitter.'
'What do you mean, Dunstan?'
And then Dunstan goes into a long spiel about how he feels he's at a crossroads of his life and the inner turmoil and the paths and the life-altering decisions and the angst and, basically, he has thought long and he has thought hard and he has thought long some more and he's decided that he should just quit being a movie star.
This is, of course, the usual waffle that Dunstan has gone on with since Series One, Episode One but Mr Flash has by now had enough.
'Oh yeah, Dunstan?' he says. 'Well, I've thought long and I've thought hard also and nope, you can't quit. So there.' And he gives him a superspeed boxing of the ears and dashes off.
Alvin and the Chipmunk are still shagging to an extent that can't be healthy. So they decide to stop for a bit and go see a flick.
'How about Weekend At Bernie's 4: Bernie Wreaks Vengeance?' says Chipmunk Face.
'Nope,' says Alvin. 'I can't stand subtitles.'
"... the art of subtitling forms an integral part of Chipmunk clan history."
And so Chipmunk Face gets really cross because during the Great Depression, Grams survived solely on the pennies she made from subtitling Charlie Chaplin skin flicks, so the art of subtitling forms an integral part of Chipmunk clan history. (Or so she believes. In fact, Grams sold moonshine in the Great Depression and the subtitling lie was just some fantasy she concocted while high on hashish.)
Elsewhere, Gay Jack has been accepted by some frat house. But Gay Jack is worried that once he tells them he's gay (as he inevitably will) they won't accept him.
We don't have time for such a subplot, however, so instead the frat house already knows he's gay and want to accept him anyway.
This spins Gay Jack out and he leaves puzzled (and gay).
Ah Joey is whining to Crazy Audrey how she'd like to see Paceman again but only if he wants to see her and how she doesn't know if he still likes her.
'Of course he still likes you,' says Crazy Audrey. 'You're a cutie-pie. You're exactly the kind of chick guys obsess about until the day they die. Or you die. Or you both die in a heinous murder-suicide.'
'In fact,' continues Crazy Audrey. 'I'm pretty hot for you myself.'
'Yes, I know,' sighs Ah Joey, nose wrinkling cutely under the pressure of such universal adoration.
Dunstan, meanwhile, has been given yet another lecture by Mr Flash.
'Look,' he says. 'I know you're hot for Ah Joey. We all are. I'm hot for her. Your mother's hot for her. Grams is hot for her. Paceman's hot for her. But you don't see any of us quitting Hollywood to chase her around Boston, do you?'
'But we're sooooouuuuulll-maaa-aaaaates,' whines Dunstan.
"That's just what she says so she doesn't have to put out."
'Oh grow up, lad. That's just what she says so she doesn't have to put out.' And he gives him a plane ticket back to Hollywood with the chilling warning that if he doesn't use it, he (Mr Flash) will give it to some other lucky boy.
Ah Joey has popped over to Paceman's boat and said 'Ahoy!'. After that inglorious start, conversation picks up and the pair regale one another with lies about their sex lives.
Chipmunk Face and Alvin have decided they have nothing in common so they go to steal condoms from a heavily guarded building. Kind of missed this bit. But it was revealed that Alvin couldn't read so that got Chipmunk Face really hot. 'Illiteracy is sooo sexy,' she purrs, idiotically.
And after a quick chat with Grams about whether or not he should join the frat house, Gay Jack follows Grams advice ('I think a boarding house full of virile and buff young men would be quite appealing to a gentleman of your homosexual nature, Master McPhee') and signs up.
Also, Paceman's hours of hard, incomprehensible work in the kitchen is revealed by Head Chef Mr Miyagi to have been secret training to be a black belt in slicing truffles. 'Ah,' says Paceman, in slow comprehension. 'Wax on.'
Finally, Dunstan tells his parents that he's not going to give up on his dream of being a quitter and that he is determined to 'get into Ah Joey's pants or die in the attempt'.
Mr Flash says 'I am dreadfully and hopelessly disappointed in you. You are a loser and an idiot. You've made the worst mistake of your pathetic life. If I had a knife near to hand I would butcher you right here and now.'
But then his face softens and he says 'But always remember one thing, Dunstan my son. No matter how much of a complete idiot and loser you are, I will always... um....' His face goes blank. 'No, it's gone.'
Dunstan flies away back to Ah Joey and tells her that he's going to be hanging around all the time. 'Oh, great,' thinks Ah Joey. 'Can't I ever get rid of this loser.' And she smiles grimly.
Mr Flash then thinks some more about how stupid his son is and finally decides that life is not worth living. 'Good night,' he says and (adopting driving skills more prevalent in downtown Smallville) drives head first into another car (driven, as I understand it, by an interdimensional overlord named the Anti-Monitor (obscure comic book reference for the cool geeks out there)).
A thrilling conclusion to a spine-tingling episode. A minute's silence if you please for the dead Mr Flash.
Next week: Mr Flash has died. Will Dunstan take up his superspeed mantle?
Begone,
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