THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.4 / 10 
23: The Airport of Infinite Implausibility
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, the season finale we've all been waiting for has finally been delivered - and when I speak of deliverance, I think you all know that I'm talking very much in the banjo-plucking, pig-squealin', inbred vein...
We open, imaginatively enough, in the future! Series 9 I believe. We can tell it's the future because Dunstan is on his wrist phone, talking to Ben Stiller Wannabe about their new movie - Harry Potter and the Bombastic Shoehorn of Vengeance. Who should he turn around and see but the future Ah Joey who has used her dimples to seduce Vice-President Affleck and is now making quite a name for herself in political circles with her brazen Dimple Liberation policies.
They have a bit of a chat, using the slang of the future (which is inexplicably a variation of 1930s fascist dogma) and eventually Ah Joey tells Dunstan about how she loves the Vice President and Dunstan should just get over her already because his continued pining for her is sad and worrisome and "totally totalitarian".
And then Dunstan wakes up and we are supposed to believe this is a dream.
Which is perfectly reasonable, because it was.
Or was it???
Yes.
So, anyway, back to the present and Dunstan decides to tell Ah Joey that he continues to yearn for her peerless beauty, how he has always adored her and wants to be with her forever and so on and so forth.
"Hmmm??" says Ah Joey, who wasn't paying attention at all. Dunstan moves in for the pash, but Ah Joey gives him the cheek - which is always a funny move (well, perhaps not from Dunstan's perspective but, let's face it, who among us wants to align themselves with Dunstan? Exactly).
And then it's off to the airport. This is some weird space-time flux airport where everybody can meet anybody from any point in the cosmos or history and where the most improbable events (eg a comeback album from Robbie Nevil) are commonplace.
"I'm not entirely sure that revolutions have tides - it seems, in fact, centrifugally incorrect."
So it should come as no surprise whatsoever to find that Dunstan and Crazy Audrey bump into Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face who are off to visit the Costa Rica rebels and see if they can turn the tide in the revolution. (Of course, I'm not entirely sure that revolutions have tides - it seems, in fact, centrifugally incorrect. But if they do, Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack will be there to give it the turning of a lifetime.)
So they sit around and can't think of anything to say. Which is actually rather refreshing. But the space-time continuum vibrates some more and suddenly who should show up but the other secret gay guy in the frathouse who appeared many, many episodes back. Chipmunk Face, Dunstan and Crazy Audrey leave the gay pair alone to contemplate, I dunno, some gay lovin' or something.
While they have disappeared Dunstan enters through another weird door in the probability-sealed section of the airport and who should be there but Grams and her mighty black lover Othello (also, from several episodes back). Grams has rather generously vowed to keep her sex life a well-kept secret, and, thankfully, Dunstan does not delve other than to discover they're off to Temptation Island for a fortnight. Grams and Othello head off, hands in one another's back pockets.
Back at Capeside, Ah Joey's bored and Paceman seems to be working as a security guard in a harbour with similarly high improbability counts to the space-time flux airport. For who should he bump into but former Head Chef Miyagi! He has dumped his wife and is sailing the seven seas with a buxom bimbo. They converse briefly and Head Chef Miyagi makes the claim that Paceman's future will be much like his (ie Head Chef Miyagi's). I'm not sure how he knows this. Perhaps he had a dream about Series 19. Anyhoo, Paceman is for some reason saddened by the thought that he is destined to live a life of debauchery and freedom and buxom sailing wenches. Which is weird. And perhaps the most improbable aspect of this episode to date.
Back at the airport, Dunstan has wandered into the white zone for immediate unloading of disbelief and instantly meets the director who fired him for being a weenie way back in Episode One!! Strangely, he takes a shine to Dunstan this time (despite the lad clearly still being a weenie of the highest order) and makes him promise to come see him about a job. Which is nice, if completely nonsensical.
Then Dunstan hooks up with Chipmunk Face and tells her to go see her parents instead of fighting in Costa Rica. She obeys, because Gay Jack has also decided that he'd rather spend the summer trying to get into Gay Frat Guy's 'boudoir' (I think that's French for 'underpants'). So Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face simply change their holiday plans on a whim. I often do this - spend thousands of dollars booking tickets for a holiday then, while at the airport, simply abandon the whole notion. I used to particularly often do this while I was a University student... because I was so flush with cash in those days, that the expense of such whimsy was totally irrelevant.
Ah, how one must enjoy spending time in an airport completely devoid of the normal laws of probability and rationality.
Ah Joey and Paceman obviously agree with this because suddenly they decide to dash off to the airport and see what implausible happenings they can muster.
"Crazy Audrey asks Dunstan to punch her in the face! And he doesn't do so."
But before they get there Crazy Audrey asks Dunstan to punch her in the face! And he doesn't do so. Now there have been many times that I've been disappointed in the actions of Dunstan - I may well have mentioned the time that Ah Joey removed her top and Dunstan unfathomably said 'um, no thanks' - but this face-punching refusal rather tops the lot. Dunstan, Dunstan, Dunstan. How did this show ever get named after you?
Anyways, Paceman shows up, behaves very improbably by sneaking into the flight announcement booth, commandeering it and wooing Crazy Audrey (!!) with some lovin' words. Why, Paceman, why??
Ah Joey is equally improbable, buying a ticket to France so she can get in to see Dunstan and tell him that she loves him and... well, other stuff too, but that's improbable enough, surely?
Then Dunstan flies to Hollywood, Crazy Audrey and Paceman drive to Hollywood, Chipmunk Face flies off to meet her parents, Gay Jack takes Gay Frat Guy home to find some lotion, Grams and Othello join the Mile High Club and Ah Joey decides to, indeed, fly to Paris.
And then, having delivered this series of events, the improbability of which is almost beyond calculation, the space time flux airport winkles out of existence, thereby ending the series.
And there we are. That's it for this season. Perhaps, in retrospect, one should not have gone with scripts churned out by a thousand chimpanzees typing away at a thousand word processors for a thousand days. I know that when you're writing a teen soap in a space time flux airport you think that anything is possible. But one can only defy the odds so far before you end up with, well, plot and dialogue that bear the unmistakable odour of monkey shit.
Let's just hope the lesson has been learned. Until next series, I bid you all a fond...
Begone,
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