THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.6 / 10 
22: Moppin' Up Time
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Another brief holiday version of The Dawson Files
We open with a thrilling piece of creativity from the writers, ie Ah Joey in a wet T-shirt. This works as well as one might imagine, with Ah Joey surpassing all previous standards of cuteness. She is so cute that she even manages to inspire Professor WildStallion to return from his exile from the show and entertain us one last time. Kudos, Ah Joey.
From there it's pretty much all downhill however.
Let's see what happened to everybody in the Battle For Dunstan's Creek...
"No way, says Chipmunk Face, but not before ... a bizarre Chipmunk Dance on the lounge chair."
Chipmunk Face v Crazy Audrey. Chipmunk Face returns to the show and immediately demonstrates to Crazy Audrey that when it comes to repulsiveness and wretchedness she is not going down without a fight. She and Gay Jack plan a trip to Costa Rica where they can join the war against the rebels. Then her parents call her up and tell her to come summer at the Hamptons with them. No way, says Chipmunk Face, but not before endless periods of moping and sorry-for-oneself-edness, combined with a bizarre Chipmunk Dance on the lounge chair. Crazy Audrey balanced this with her simple game plan of being interminably ghastly. This is a tough fight - Crazy Audrey's stronger in terms of pure abominability, but Chipmunk Face is using all her experience to hold her own with imagination and skill and dancing.
Dunstan v Ben Stiller Wannabe. Another fascinating battle with Dunstan showing all his rat cunning to manouevre BSW into going to Hollywood with him and being ridiculed by established movie stars who don't know your name.
Paceman v Alvin. This battle is done, with Ah Joey's dimple attack on Alvin a few episodes back leaving Paceman unchallenged in the Dopey Dufus role. Of course, Ah Joey's fine work has left Paceman free to return the favour (this is the kind of teamwork that may see the Dawson Creek Players through this gravest of hours...)
Ah Joey v Sherilyn Fenn. As mentioned in the paragraph above, Paceman steps up to the plate here. Literally! Sherilyn has organised a dinner for the writers of the show (on the surface a very fine plan) but has made the fatal error of letting Paceman organise everything. Naturally, it's all a shambles, so Sherilyn is fired from the show. She takes Paceman for a spin in her Porsche to celebrate and Paceman tries to get a bit before Sherilyn goes - this is perfectly understandable, but doesn't quite work out, what with a near-fatality and all. Still, he's rid himself of Crazy Audrey, so you've gotta be happy about that. Ah Joey meanwhile consolidates her position with high quality dimple work, just being very cute and pleased at being published in a Boston skin magazine that Professor WildStallion edits, then being worrisome about her father escaping from jail, and then standing by Dunstan as he reveals his courageous plan to get BSW transferred to Hollywood. Grand, stoic stuff from Ah Joey. Go Dimple Chick, go!
"Alvin is gone, Sherilyn is gone. Even lame backup Film Critic Chick has gone."
So there we are... it looks rather much like the Coupmasters have been defeated. Alvin is gone, Sherilyn is gone. Even lame backup Film Critic Chick has gone. Crazy Audrey remains and is matching Chipmunk Face's hideousness stride for stride... but I have faith in the Chipmunkey One and the depths to which she can plumb. And without his team, Ben Stiller Wannabe may just abandon the whole plan and see if he can establish a Hollywood career. It can't be difficult - look at Cameron Diaz!
Anyway, that's more or less it. It looks like we're going to have to give the Dawson's Creek Players a mighty V for Victory sign. Well done, gang.
Next Week: Back from holidays in time for the season finale, where, with the Coupmasters dispersed and in chaos, Ah Joey has yet another chance to bring Dunstan to his weenified knees when he tells her he loves her. Go on, Ah Joey, finish him!
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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