Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

The Dawson Files areon holidays just at the moment, buthere’s a quick summary of thelatest combat in the battlefor the show

First, theOriginal Dawson’s CreekPlayers

Chipmunk Face: Stillgloriously absent - my fingersare so crossed about her being acasualty of this war that I’mresigned to endless futurearthriticity. A small price to pay (I’mthinking about 20-30 cents… that’svery inexpensive).

Gay Jack: Apparentlyhis drunken nocturnal leap from theroof into a swimming pool a couple ofweeks ago was the climax of his’alcoholic’ subplot. Ratherdisappointed in that. All thatbuild-up and not even a car crash inwhich, say, a Chipmunk dies!Shame on you, Gay Jack. It’s lameassefforts like this that have opened thedoor for the coupmasters.

Ah Joey: Equallylame. Sat in the library all episodewith no interest whatsoever in comingout and joining the rest of the cast inputting on a bit of a show for us all.I don’t even recall her turningthe dimples on at anypoint.

We’ll leave Pacemanand Dunstan for a bit…

Over to TheCoupmasters

Ben Stiller Wannabe:Off somewhere. Couldn’t be botheredshowing up. Is this a reversepsychological ploy in which he istrying to match the original Dawson’sCreek Players for apathy towards theshow? Or is he genuinelyapathetic towards it? Perhaps if itcatches on, the season finalewill just be an hour of long, sweepingshots of Boston. (Note: I’mnot necessarily saying that this is abad thing…)

Crazy Audrey:Absolutely monstrous and ghastly.So no newsthere…

Alvin: Gone, Ah Joeyhas apparently disintegrated himtotally with her dimpleblast last week. Kudos, AhJoey… but you’re not out of the woodsyet. By gum, girl, you’ve barely gotpast the 9 iron.

Because guess what?There are now officially twoattractive brunettesdetermined to usurp the Ah Joeyrole.

We have Film CriticChick who hated Dunstan’s movieso much that she decided to sleep withhis brand new penis. Weird.Dunstan’s prowess in the sack was suchthat she immediately insisted that hereignite his pursuit of Ah Joey.

… he finallysaid ‘by God, forget about this stupidbattle for control of the show and myinsane duties in servicing CrazyAudrey!

The alternative AhJoey replacement is Sherilyn Fenn whospent this week tantalising poor oldPaceman with her two moons (wait a sec?what do I mean ‘poor old Paceman’?? AmI mad? Like I wouldn’t give myleft knee itself to beequi-tantalised) and then whenhe finally said ‘by God, forget aboutthis stupid battle for control of theshow and my insane duties in servicingCrazy Audrey! I have been your slave,Sherilyn, since FBI agent Dale Cooperfirst rode into Twin Peaks lo thesemany years ago. Yes, Sherilyn, yes!! Iwill take you into my mighty arms andslowly peel off your clothes, probingevery erogenous zone on your soft,sultry body with…’ etc

And then Sherilynsaid to Paceman ‘Nope, changed mymind.’

So that wasfunny.

To summarise: twopossible Ah Joey replacements, one whojumps immediately into the sack withthe idiot weenie that is Dunstan. Theother who teases Paceman with herimpossible attractiveness in adesperate bid to drive the ladinsane. I know which onesounds more like the real Ah Joey tome.

That’s about it.There was some troubling reference toGrams having sex, but I shalladopt the Gay Jack philosophy withregards to this claim… (tobe precise, I’ll adopt this episode’sspecific philosophy of pretending notto hear it, rather than his moregeneric philosophy of turning gay.Although if they continue to makesexual references about Grams,I’m not gonna rule anythingout…)

Anyway, that’s it. Inthe spirit of Christmas, I’ll give itNine Pacemen A-Pantingand urge you to tune in…

Next Week: When I’ll still be on holidays, sodon’t expect too much at all.

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