THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.8 / 10 
20: The Dawson's Creek Players Fight Back
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Fade in to Ah Joey waking up in bed with Alvin... oh Ah Joey, what have you done? There are quite enough whores on the show already without you slutting about. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Ah Joey, I am ashamed and shocked and peckish. It seems that Ah Joey is feeling awful about herself too (and rightly so!) because she suddenly tries to justify sleeping with Alvin on the bizarre basis that 'at least I don't know you that well'.
But perhaps there is more to it than that, for it transpires that Chipmunk Face is missing, presumed dreadful. Gay Jack has headed off to 'rescue' her. (Or so he claims - in reality, he's just wandered down to the pub for a few beers.) So neither of those two are in the show this evening.
The remaining original gang hold down the fort and prepare to strike back against the Coupmasters. Enough of being pushed around by these lame latecomers, it's time to fight back! So it seems that Ah Joey is simply making a rather disgusting sacrifice by sleeping with Alvin, in much the same way that Paceman is grinding his teeth and grimacing his way through sex with the infinitely appalling Crazy Audrey.
No word yet on whether or not Dunstan is sleeping with Ben Stiller Wannabe. But fingers crossed, 'cause Ben Stiller Wannabe is one hell of a coup leader. Anyways, the pair of them are off to see an agent about representing them and their stupid movie (which is now retitled The Fellowship of the Ring 2 in a bid to boost sales to confused movie-goers). So that's exciting in, like, a really tedious way.
Meanwhile, Crazy Audrey and Paceman have shown up to work only to discover that Salinger's, the restaurant, has been stolen! No, not stolen. The other one, sold! Mr Miyagi has taken his money and fled the scene and there are now new owners - a faceless corporate entity! Wooooooooooooooooo! (scary sound about faceless people).
Also, Alvin's band has been offered a six month world tour of Ohio supporting The All-New Wa Wa Nee. He runs over to Ah Joey's dimples and tells her that she can come if she wants.
"Um, no," says Ah Joey, turning her dimples well and truly off.
"Allrightey then, I see your point. I'll stay."
"The offer was, in fact, made by Paceman, disguised as a tour promoter, evilly twirling a fake moustache."
Well, this ain't good. (The All New Wa Wa Nee offer was part of the fightback plan. The offer was, in fact, made by Paceman, disguised as a tour promoter, evilly twirling a fake moustache.) Ah Joey frowns cutely.
Back to Salinger's restaurant where Crazy Audrey and Paceman and the rest of the restaurant staff are given a talking-to by the new head of staff, the not-at-all-faceless Sherilyn Fenn. Hi Sherilyn.
"This has been a highly successful restaurant," says Sherilyn. "So we're going to change it completely!"
Paceman is the voice of reason amongst this.
"Hey," he says. "Can you fire her?" Pointing to Crazy Audrey.
"We sure can," says Sherilyn.
"Cool," says Paceman. And then remembers that he's supposed to be pretending to like Crazy Audrey (to be fair, it would be an incredibly easy thing to forget, y'know, what with her repugnance and all). "Oops. I mean, boy whatever you do, don't fire Crazy Audrey." And then he winks at Sherilyn.
Over at the agents' offices, Dunstan and Ben Stiller Wannabe have walked in to chat. Dunstan tries to be his usual charming weenie self, but BSW is having none of this. He points to a poster on the wall. "Being John Malkovich?? Did you guys do that?"
"We sure did," says Agent Man.
"It sucked!!" says BSW, adopting somewhat unusual ingratiating tactics.
"No it didn't," corrects Dunstan. "It was an off-the-wall melange of inspired concepts, rolled into a framework of madness and free-spiritedness."
"That's as may be," says BSW. "But I still say that we could do better and if Agent Man doesn't hire us, we'll just go to see some other lucky agency." He grins idiotically, and gives Dunstan a double thumbs up.
Agent Man shoos them off and Dunstan instantly starts ragging on BSW. What did you do that for? Why are you so annoying? Can't you please shave once in a while? Etc. Dunstan is cross. Which is always funny. BSW smiles... now, if only the rest of his team can continue their infiltration as well as he has.
"There will be plenty of time later to use her as a means to satisfy his powerful Paceman primal urges."
But they can't. For Crazy Audrey has indeed been sacked by Sherilyn Fenn. And Paceman has been promoted. I'm not sure if Sherilyn is part of the coup team or not, she might be the Ah Joey replacement. But for now, Paceman is willing to use her as a means to destroy Crazy Audrey. There will be plenty of time later to use her as a means to satisfy his powerful Paceman primal urges.
So Crazy Audrey is moping about in the dorm room about being sacked. Ah Joey now takes up where Paceman left off, opining that perhaps it would be best if Crazy Audrey simply hanged herself from the neck until she was dead. Sadly, Crazy Audrey ignores this, so Ah Joey moves onto a different part of the plan, namely ridding themselves of Alvin.
She pretends to confide in Crazy Audrey about how clingy Alvin has become, threatening to not tour with the All New Wa Wa Nee and instead hang about worshipping her and massaging her feet and showering her with money and time and praise. While this may seem fine (and perfectly understandable, given Ah Joey's interminable cuteness), any female will tell you that it's simply too needy... particularly if you're a not particularly bright cretin like Alvin.
So they concoct a rather ludicrous scene at Alvin's farewell gig where Crazy Audrey pretends that Ah Joey is sleeping with Paceman and then Crazy Audrey and Ah Joey have a mock fight that... I dunno, I can barely be bothered explaining it, it was so tiresomely absurd. Anyway, it suffices to say that Crazy Audrey moved up another notch on the Repulsometer and Ah Joey dumped Alvin on his stupid frizzy head.
Meanwhile, Dunstan has outwitted BSW. (Imagine the odds against that one!) He (Dunstan) has snuck back inside Agent Man's Agency to convince Agent Man to be his agent.
"Well," says Agent Man. "That is what I do..."
And he signs them up. Brilliant! The game of chess between Dunstan and BSW continues. (Not literally, of course. I'm talking about the metaphorical game of chess, signifying the battle of wits between Dunstan and the Coupmaster himself. It's all very exciting... so, clearly, not a literal game of chess.)
Back to Paceman, and Paceman has reasoned thusly: Crazy Audrey is the Chipmunk Face replacement. If Sherilyn Fenn is part of the coup and is the Ah Joey replacement, then surely he is better served by offering his body to her (and in the process, humiliating and destroying Crazy Audrey - a fantastic bonus!), thereby at least reviving the much-missed Paceman-Ah Joey coupling. And if Sherilyn isn't part of the coup, then, at the very least, she has amazing twin peaks and he should probably scale her regardless.
I can't see any logical flaw in that.
Finally, Alvin shows up at Ah Joey's window at the crackpot of dawn and busks in her vicinity. It is highly lame, so Ah Joey turns her dimples on, wanders out and finishes the lad off. "All-rightey, Alvin... off you scoot, then," she says. And that is it. Alvin is gone.
Victory for the Dunstan's Creek Players. The fightback has commenced in earnest. The original cast aren't just going to lie down and let these interlopers steal their show from them. (Well, Chipmunk Face apparently is, but the rest are prepared to fight.)
Next Week: The fightback escalates with Paceman bonking Sherilyn Fenn in a concerted bid to, well, bonk Sherilyn Fenn. BUT!! also with the exciting side-effect of really badly hurting Crazy Audrey. Go Paceman, go.
Begone,
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