THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.5 / 10 
2: Alvin and the Chipmunk
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
A very unsatisfying episode. Perhaps it was adlibbed. It certainly made no sense whatsoever. Let us delve deeper, shall we?
So Dunstan and Ah Joey have been hanging out on campus all weekend, chatting amiably about monster truck rallies and the like when suddenly Ah Joey remembers that she has to quit her writing class. "I thought it was like, y'know, calligraphy," she says. "Where we could just copy other people's books out really neatly. But nooooo, the mean old lecturer wants me to make stuff up!"
"You're a nut," says Dunstan, and checks his phone messages from last episode. Of course he hears Ah Joey's drunken little "I never want to see you again" spiel from that episode.
"Fine," says Dunstan, and twinkles out of existence.
"I hate it when he does that," says Ah Joey and heads off to be a quitter.
Elsewhere, Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack are trying to track down Alvin (lead singer of the Alvin and the Chipmunks cover band) from last week's episode. Gay Jack is teasing Chipmunk Face about how hopeless she has been recently at being a slut and warns her about Crazy Audrey attempting to move in on her turf.
Suddenly, to save time, Chipmunk Face sees Alvin in a nearby radio station. In an excruciating scene, Chipmunk Face strolls into the station and proceeds to chat up Alvin on the air.
"Ha," says Chipmunk Face. "Let's see Crazy Audrey top that insane and slutty behaviour!"
Elsewhere, in an equally nonsensical scene, Paceman's Brother Doug has apparently walked from Capeside all the way to Boston to give Paceman a) a talking-to and b) a job prospect. This made no sense. Perhaps it was supposed to be a dream sequence.
Oh, and Paceman has some rich wench eager to climb into his pants at all times - this is seeming very much like a dream sequence.
"Crazy Audrey is not going to take Chipmunk Face's slut challenge lying down."
Back to the University and Crazy Audrey is taking Dunstan on the college tour. "And this is where I slept with Brandon. And over there is where I slept with Dylan. And there's where I slept with Brenda and Kelly." Crazy Audrey is not going to take Chipmunk Face's slut challenge lying down.
Or, to be more precise, that's precisely how she intends to take it. For now she raises the stakes by flirting with Dunstan.
Ah Joey, meanwhile, has told her lecturer (who I think is supposed to be cool) that she wants to quit. "Well, it's about time. Thank Ra I will no longer have to put up with your inane incoherency." And he signs her "I'm A Quitter" card and walks off.
By this time, Chipmunk Face has managed to match Crazy Audrey on the Trampometer by inviting herself into Alvin's place (ostensibly to listen to a Garbage version of U2's Angel of Harlem. When she realises it is the U2 version, she says "Oooohhh, 'garbage' the adjective.") and then leaping headfirst into his nether regions.
Paceman has shown up to the restaurant that his dream-brother told him about and applied for a job. (The restaurant, BTW, is Salinger's from Party of Five. A nice touch.) Head chef Bailey says "You can be a washerwoman." "No thanks," says Paceman. "I've got a rich chick to look after me."
Ah Joey has taken her "I'm A Quitter" card to the Admin Office and been told that it's no good, because the lecturer had signed his name as 'Mighty Joe Boom-Tang, The Kookiest Kat on Kampus'. "Oh bollocks," whines Ah Joey.
Paceman and his rich dream wench have also by now just had lunch at a spiffy restaurant. "Please," says Rich Dream Wench. "Allow me to pay." "Okay," says Paceman.
"Now," says RDW. "Sing for me, gigolo."
And Paceman puts on the David Lee Roth top hat and scats for all he's worth.
"Very good," says RDW, when Paceman finally finishes. "You may service me later this evening."
And then he wakes up. And it was all a dream.
"So he ... tells Head Chef Bailey that he'll take the crappy washerwoman job."
So he heads back to Salinger's and tells Head Chef Bailey that he'll take the crappy washerwoman job. As long as he can fondle the occasional cabbage. "Sure," says Bailey. "You'll fit right in."
So Ah Joey has now tracked down Mighty Joe Boom-Tang, The Kookiest Kat on Kampus and said "Can you please cross-sign over here."
"Sure," says MJB-T, TKKoK. "But first you have to write me an essay on why you secretly yearn for me."
"Isn't this a gross abuse of your power?" says Ah Joey.
"It sure is," agrees MJB-T, TKKoK.
By now, Chipmunk Face has woken up after her little tramp-a-thon with Alvin and has decided to run home. "Wait a second," says Alvin. "I really can't be bothered trying to find anybody else to sleep with, 'cause I'm incredibly lazy. So can we do this again?"
Chipmunk Face smiles, because that's the nicest thing anybody has every said to her. "Okay," she says.
In the process of writing her essay on why she secretly yearns for MJB-T, TKKoK, Ah Joey decides that it's all too much hard work and that she's going to quit trying to get her "I'm A Quitter" card signed. Sadly, she doesn't even recognise the paradox.
And then she meets up with Crazy Audrey. "Where's Dunstan?" she asks.
"He's at the airport. He's had enough of your tomfoolery."
So Ah Joey dashes off to the airport and catches up with him just in time.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"Back to Hollywood and the rude people there."
"Why?"
"You said you wanted me to go."
"I didn't mean that. I thought you understood me."
"Ah Joey, nobody understands you. We put up with your maddening antics solely because of the quality of your dimples."
"Oh."
"Now, am I wrong in thinking that you don't want me to not get on that plane, nor never think about not seeing you again and possibly never allowing ourselves to not drift apart and not perhaps lose the friendship or at least allow it to not diminish?"
"Huh?"
"Answer me!!!"
"Ummm... yes?"
"Well, okay then," says Dunstan. "I'll stay."
"Oh, bugger," thinks Ah Joey.
And that's all. In retrospect, perhaps not as stupid as it first seemed. But then again, perhaps it was. Who am I to judge?
Next week: Dunstan tells his folks that Hollywood is full of rude people and he wants to be a quitter like Ah Joey.
Begone,
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