THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 8 / 10 
19: The Noose Tightens
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
We open with Dunstan and Ah Joey having one of their endlessly tedious chinwags about their soulmatery. Ah Joey is off to 'Spring Break' which is apparently something much like a Roman pagan festival. Dunstan has decided instead that he's going to the Big Apple (much like the Big Banana, I believe) to see some businessman about turning his stupid movie into a piece of Hollywood trash.
Ah Joey says to Dunstan. "You know who'd appreciate this? Mr Flash."
Dunstan bristles at the reminder of his dead father and Ah Joey's role in his death, but chats politely nevertheless.
"You know," continues Ah Joey, as insensitive as she is dimple-ridden. "In many ways this has been the lamest season of the show but, on the other hand, everything has turned out okay..."
Yes, thinks Dunstan. Except for my father being dead!!. But he doesn't say this because Ah Joey is too cute to yell at.
So then Dunstan and the Ben Stiller Wannabe are driving to New York to see The Big Apple and Dunstan is being all sullen and quiet, so BSW tries to delve deeper. (When you are planning to usurp a character (as BSW and his cohorts do), you need to know what makes them tick...) He suddenly bursts into a bizarre song which provided the very first genuine laugh of the season. Congratulations, BSW. You've won me over. I hope you do manage to successfully overthrow Dunstan and co.
Anyway, Dunstan starts to tell the entire story so far and advises BSW to follow along by referring to this very web site! Thanks Dunstan for your vote of confidence.
Meanwhile, back at Spring Break, Crazy Audrey is being repulsive in a ferociously sustained bid to eliminate Chipmunk Face. She also manages to summon forth an ex-boyfriend who is now apparently a movie star. This is far better than Chipmunk Face ever managed, so I thinnk Crazy Audrey is now winning.
Also, Ah Joey continues to be stalked by Alvin. Young Alvin has much further to go with his plan, for Paceman easily has him covered in the 'cool oaf' stakes. Paceman might just be the one to hold the original team together...
As if to prove it, he is immediately hit upon by some babe who turns out to be the lead singer of an all-girl band (I think they were called 'The All-New Bangles').
"I'm not sure Crazy Audrey is on top of the whole coup plan, because surely Ben Stiller Wannabe is the Dunstan replacement..."
Meanwhile, Crazy Audrey's ex-beau reveals to Paceman that he still wants Crazy Audrey and that they were once in lurve. This makes Paceman mad (which makes no sense 'cause he could be up there chattin' up the chick doing a sultry Latino version of Eternal Flame) and makes him even madder when Crazy Audrey reveals that this guy was 'her Dunstan'! (I'm not sure Crazy Audrey is on top of the whole coup plan, because surely Ben Stiller Wannabe is the Dunstan replacement...)
Speaking of BSW, he has listened to the entire Dunstan-Ah Joey saga and has been literally bored to tears. He expresses the wish that Dunstan be hit by a truck and die. (This actually happened, but in such a way that Dunstan didn't take it seriously - oh Dunstan, you are such a naive fool...)
And the bizarre Alvin-Ah Joey flirting continued amidst claims that Alvin used to be in Hanson. Cool.
Oh. And Gay Jack continues to drink!!!!!! (Insert ominous chord here...)
Anyway, back on the road, Ben Stiller Wannabe (who is by far the most organised of the coup-group) somehow manages to convince Dunstan to blow off their meeting and go destroy himself again at the feet of Ah Joey.
Meanwhile, Ah Joey and Paceman are doing the coup-group's work for them, by inciting one another into destructive relationships with Alvin and Crazy Audrey respectively. Boy, I didn't realise that Ah Joey and Paceman harboured such lingering loathing for one another. That's what happens when you build a relationship while sailing the ocean. Love cannot last on the seven seas, mostly due to the scurvy.
Oh, and Chipmunk Face decides to give Gay Jack a talking-to about his drinking. Gay Jack is having none of this and smacks her on the nose, before striding manfully and drunkenly off.
And then Chipmunk Face decides to top it off by giving Ah Joey a talking-to about Alvin and his wily ways. Ah Joey emulates Gay Jack wholeheartedly and tells Chipmunk Face to sod off and stop being the one who nicked Dunstan's virginity. She storms off magnificently.
"Chipmunk Face determined to fight for her role as the most loathsome chick on the show..."
Chipmunk Face determined to fight for her role as the most loathsome chick on the show...
But Crazy Audrey retaliates by making out with her ex-boyfriend right in front of Paceman who apparently cares about such things.
Then Dunstan rocks up just in time to see a drunken Gay Jack leap off the roof into the swimming pool, in a scene rather reminiscent of the time that Bad Girl Abby fell off the pier and drowned way back in Series 2. Boy, I miss Bad Girl Abby.
After Dunstan rescues Gay Jack, Gay Jack reveals that a) he is flunking out of school and b) that Other Gay Guy has a new boyfriend.
"Did I mention that I was gay?" asks Gay Jack.
"Yep. Got that bit," sighs Dunstan.
And then Paceman forgives Crazy Audrey's sluttiness and decides to become her official boyfriend. I think maybe that Paceman is aware of the forthcoming coup and is trying to infiltrate them and it is only by turning Crazy Audrey's loathsomeness against herself that he believes he can do it. What a sacrifice! What a man!
Finally, Paceman and Dunstan have a chat where Paceman tells Dunstan to give up on the ol' Ah Joey thing. "Look at her dimples, man! What makes you think you're worthy of that?"
Dunstan can't answer that question, but says "When I feel something this strong pulling me, I have to act on it. Because that's the kind of free spirit I am. And, don't forget, she and I are soulmates."
So Paceman, for old times sake, decides to destroy him. "Hey, Dunstan. She's shacking up with Alvin."
And indeed she is, for we end the show with Ah Joey slipping the tongue to Alvin and Dunstan moping on the beach like the idiot weenie he is.
Not a bad effort, especially the final scene where Dunstan is again destroyed. Any episode that closes this way gets a good mark. Let's give it a B.
Next Week: Alvin invites Ah Joey to join his band full-time. Now, Alvin, I know she's cute but really... listen to her sing! Surely you can seduce her in some other way. Paceman would have found (and indeed, did find) a way.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 8 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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