Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Well, I think I’veworked it out.

This is a coup. Afiendish and diabolical gang havingdecided that they like the idea ofbeing on television, havenominated Dunstan and his idiotcronies as their targets andhave ruthlessly moved in.

The final nail in theevidenciary coffin emerged in thisweek’s shambolic episode.

For weeks now we’veput up with the antics of Alvinand his two-dimensional idiocyand Crazy Audrey’s loathsome existenceand thought that they were simplyappalling characters, poorly writtenand sickeninglyportrayed. But now in thislatest episode where Dunstan screenshis lame movie… in this episode theirheinous plan becomes clear as theremainder of their gang move intoposition.

Let us look at thenew set of annoyances that have beenintroduced to date.

Crazy Audrey in thisepisode spends all her time worryingabout the fact that she has slept withliterally millions of men and that,perhaps, this might make Paceman thinkof her as a slut. Well, duh,Crazy Audrey, do you think? Athoroughly tedious subplot that sappedfar too much time of the show. So let’ssee. Slutty behaviour… tedioussubplots… now who does this remindyou of?

Speaking of theChipmunked One, she is being pursued bythe Ben Stiller Wannabe, another newbiefor this year, who, as you mightrecall, wrote Dunstan’s movie and is afilm geek of the highest order.A film geek with a peculiarattraction to chipmunks. Arethere perhaps any other similarcharacters on this show?

I didn’t checkwhether or not she had dimples but Ithink we can safely assume shedoes

Dunstan meanwhile,while waiting to screen his movie, hasmanaged to get in a squabble with thecritic who has shown up to review it.The critic is a sassybrunette who takes him to acoffee shop and shows considerableinsight into his psyche beforemanufacturing some lame excuse to makeout with him. A feisty brunette keen onDunstan and willing to put up with hisinane prattling. Now, I didn’t checkwhether or not she had dimples but Ithink we can safely assume shedoes…

And Ah Joey,dimples blazingmagnificently, is hanging outwith Alvin, a big dumb doofus for whomshe is inexplicably hot. Although hesays something dumb (y’know, becausehe’s a big dumb doofus) whichmakes her mad and causes her to stormout of the cinema magnificently, sheeventually returns to be won over byhis charms. Big dumb doofi?? Sayingstupid things?? Making Ah Joey mad??But she can’t resist him anyway??Gimme a P… gimme anA…

So that’s four maincharacters, with their fourpotential replacements movingremorselessly in. Do I need tospell it out any further? This is afully fledged coup. And a magnificentlyplanned and executed one, as we seefrom the final replacement characteremerging this very episode.

faster than youcan say Guess Who’s Coming To TheMovies? our final piece of the puzzleis in place…

For many series nowwe’ve enjoyed Gay Jack’s antics. Ahighly vocal member of a persecutedminority he has been as entertaining ashe is repetitive. And this episode,guess who is introduced? Grams’ newboyfriend. An African-Americanboyfriend. And faster than you can sayGuess Who’s Coming To TheMovies? our final piece ofthe puzzle is in place… he didn’tcome out and say ‘I’m black’, but I’mbettin’ it happens next week.

So there you have it.We should all feel honoured. Here we’vebeen thinking that we’ve simply beenwatching a highly lame seasonof Dunstan’s Creek when, infact, we have been priviliged to bewitness to a full-scale take-over,clinical and inspiring in itsefficiency. It is now only a matter oftime for the original gang. They havebeen outwitted and outmaneuvred andI expect them all to rapidly beeliminated.

Next Week: Well, I can only assume that thecoup begins. All the pieces are inplace and there’s surely no furtherreason to delay. Next week is the 100thepisode of the show and I can think ofno finer way to celebrate it than withthe mass-slaughter of most of theoriginal cast.

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