Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Hey! Twoentertaining episodes in arow! What’s going on here?

We start with Alvin(who, apparently is of the mistakenbelief that he is a regular member ofthe cast) trotting up to Ah Joey andinviting her to be the replacementsinger for his lame band. Now, anybodywho has heard Ah Joey sing will knowperfectly well that this is nonsenseand simply a (very) lame excuseto spend time with the BedimpledOne.

But Ah Joey doesn’tknow. So she signs up for the gig.Naive as a button.

Elsewhere, CrazyAudrey has decided that now that she isgetting all sweaty with Paceman, itwould be a perfect opportunity tochange him to be more like her idealpartner. That is, one who isnot homeless. So sheencourages Paceman to find anapartment. Ungrateful wench. She shouldthink herself lucky that Paceman cantolerate being in her vicinity.

Equally ungrateful isChipmunk Face, who has decided thatshe’s had enough of Dunstan andhis new penis. Naturally, shetries to pick a fight with him to giveherself an easy out of the relationshipbut Dunstan out-cunnings her and simplytakes her abuse with good humour.

Then Grams comes inand informs Dunstan that Ah Joey is atthe front door waiting to see him.Dunstan turns to Chipmunk Face andsmirks idiotically. ‘See?’ he seems tosay. ‘I could have Ah Joey if I wanted.You should show more respect.’ Whichis, perhaps, going rather too far. It’sone thing to be grateful to Dunstan forservicing you. It’s ratheranother to show himrespect.

Anyways, Dunstan goesto see Ah Joey who tells him thatshe’s ditching his sister’sfirst birthday party becauseshe’s much too cool and in demand as arock singer. Dunstan naturally assumesthat this is a lie. But doesn’t leton.

Inside, Chipmunk Facetells Gay Jack that she’s going to dumpDunstan. Gay Jack spits his breakfastcereal out. “Surprised, huh?” saysChipmunk Face. “Not at all… Ijust swallowed a fly.”Chipmunk Face assumes this is lewdsexual innuendo and delves nofurther.

So off they all go,back to Capeside. When they finallymake it there, they are somewhatsurprised to find that MrsFlash has found herself a newsqueeze and that it’sAquaman!

Dunstan is struckdumb. He knew his mother would waste notime finding somebody new to share thesack with - sheesh, she was alwayswilling to share her sack when Mr Flashwas alive, why should anything bedifferent now? - but Aquaman??The fish-talkin’dude??

Back to Boston andCrazy Audrey, Paceman and Ah Joey areabout to drive off to the gig whenAlvin comes racing around the cornerwith another of hispreposterous lies about how hehad slept in and, gee, he’d like alift.

Paceman knows thatsomething’s up but Ah Joey’s too dumbto smell Alvin’s rattedness. So theyhead off. Paceman is rude to Alvin in ahighly entertaining fashion,making fun of his generalstupidity andsubtle-lackedness.

Over at Capeside, GayJack and Chipmunk Face have wanderedoff to talk about the Dunstan-dumpingtheory. Chipmunk Face mustersforth all her traditional self-absorbed’woe is me’-isms until GayJack has suddenly had enough.

…if it weren’tfor the existence of Crazy Audrey you’dbe the least-liked person on theshow.

He grabs her throatand begins to throttleher. “Enough already!!! You’vebeen on this show for five long yearsand during that entire time, all you’veever done is mope and whine about howterrible your life is and how much youhate yourself and would like to killyourself and we’re all sick, sick, sickof it!! You come across all faux-cooland it doesn’t convince anybody. Weloathe and despise you and if itweren’t for the existence of CrazyAudrey you’d be the least-liked personon the show. So SHUT UP!!” Andhe tightens his grip until shedies.

But, of course, thatwas just a fake-out that didn’t reallyhappen. In reality, Gay Jack justnodded understandingly. Show someballs, Gay Jack. Trust yourinstincts. Use the Force.

At the same time,Aquaman is trying to strike up aconversation with Dunstan butDunstan cunningly rebuffshim each time.

“How about fish?”says Aquaman. “Boy, fish can begreat friends.”

“Yep, fish tastegood.”

“And living under thesea! Wow, I like that.”

“Yep,scuba-diving isgood.”

“So… how about mebeing King of Atlantis. Who’da thunkit.”

“Yep,thinking is good.”

And so forth.

Back on the drive tothe gig, Paceman has just abouthad enough of Alvin’s droningand when Alvin suggests that Pacemanshould put his ‘pedal to the metal’ andthat ’speed never killed anybody’,Paceman pulls over and invites Alvin tostep outside.

“Number one,” saysPaceman. “I knew the fastest man alive,the Flash, and speed ultimatelydid kill him, sopshaw! to thattheory.”

Alvin gulps.

“Number two,” hecontinues. “‘Pedal to the metal’???!??Get some dialogue,mister.”

Alvin gulps somemore.

You should havebeen written out weeks ago.Why are you still here??!?

“Number three,” heconcludes. “You are an extra supportingcharacter. You should have beenwritten out weeksago. Why are you stillhere??!?”

That’s enough forAlvin and he challenges Pacemanto a fist fight, which Pacemanis all too ready for.

So what happensthen?

Crazy Audrey dragsPaceman off to the woods andallows Paceman to beat her upinstead. Sadly, we don’t seethis, but we are left with a very clearunderstanding of it.

Alvin gets back inthe car and more or less behaveshimself, although the bar for the gigdoes turn out to be a biker/murdererbar, which again makes Pacemana bit cross and ready to hand outanother whupping.

Ah Joey gets up onstage at the murderer bar and sings.The murderers wail in horror. “Shutup!” they cry. “Stop singing!!” “Boo!!Hiss!” Ah Joey looks worried but thenAlvin starts singing in a bid to drownher out and the camera startslingering on Ah Joey’s pertbreasts and the mob issatiated.

Dunstan confronts hismother and asks her what she sees inAquaman. “He can hold hisbreath for a really, really longtime,” she says. “I like thatin a man.” Dunstan accepts this andthen opens Ah Joey’s birthday presentto his sister which is apparently awhole heap of sketches of Capeside.Dunstan yawns and then heads off tofind…

Chipmunk Face, whoimmediately goes about dumping him. Shestarts up again with her nonsensicalself-hating rambling andDunstan, like Gay Jack, dreamsof a way of murdering her.But, like Gay Jack, he’s too much of aweenie to do so.

And Paceman decidesto book into a hotel with Crazy Audreyafter the gig and bonk her silly.Which may seem odd to you andme, but I think for now wehave to accept it as a phase Pacemanmust go through. He also has a chat toAh Joey and points out that Alvinreally should have been written out ofthe show by now. “I know!” she says,but then prolongs his chances ofstaying by sharing a room with him.

And that’sessentially it. Pretty good, really.I’m a bit disappointed that Dunstanwasn’t more devastated at being dumped.That would have been much moreentertaining. But, OTOH, I can see whyit didn’t stress him out too much.After all, he still has Ah Joeyinexplicably pining for him.The sooner he can rid himself ofChipmunk Face’s attentions the better.Fingers crossed also that Crazy Audreywill be butchered at some point soon.Preferably by Paceman, who was back tohis very best this episode, doing thewhole protective, rough but lovablething to perfection.

Next Week: I don’t really remember. PerhapsPaceman butchers Crazy Audrey.

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