THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.3 / 10 
14: Quest For Triangles
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, I'm beginning to hate them all.
I mean, obviously I have always hated Chipmunk Face, her self-pitying, pseudo-cool persona grating from the very first minutes of the very first episode of the show. But I've been able to tolerate pretty much everybody else. Dunstan's always been a weenie, but that's okay. I don't necessarily hate weenies. Ah Joey has occasionally been mildly annoying but she's been cute enough to forgive. Paceman's been consistently amusing. Crazy Andy and her combination of tears and madness were entertaining as heck, as is Gay Jack and his ongoing affirmations of his gay status.
But now? Chipmunk Face has scaled new heights of irritation with her insane 'I'm so madly in love with Dunstan' drivel. As for the rest of them...
We begin with Dunstan trying to film Ben Stiller Wannabe's silly screenplay. BSW is the star of the movie but he's a really sucky actor. For no sensible reason, Crazy Audrey is starring in the movie also. And she continues to scale Mount Irritation - I think she's supposed to be loud and kooky and funny and zany and we're all supposed to love her. This is not the case.
So Dunstan tells BSW that he can no longer act in his movie. They replace him with Alvin. Again, I have no idea why.
Meanwhile, Paceman has clearly ingested something very, very wrong because he's suddenly groping Crazy Audrey. Oh Paceman, how could your standards slip so low...
Gay Jack is happily missing all this gibberish. He's hanging out at the dorm when one of his frathouse buddies suddenly comes onto him.
"Gay Jack," he says. "You are so rugged and manly."
"And gay," reminds Gay Jack.
"And gay, yes," agrees frat buddy, snuggling closer. "Yes, indeedy..."
This freaks Gay Jack out a bit and he pretends to have a dental appointment with his dermatologist and scoots off.
Also Ah Joey and Professor WildStallion are getting a bit hot and heavy. Ah Joey has decided to leave his class because she can't concentrate on the lecture, what with her yearning so hard for Professor Wildstallion's bod.
Back at the filming, Crazy Audrey is being even weirder and more irritating than usual, blaming Paceman for putting him off. (Paceman is operating the boom microphone, again for no sensible reason.)
"'Why doesn't my character have sex with Uma Thurman?' he helpfully suggests."
Also, Chipmunk Face hates Alvin, but Alvin is far more interested in the glaring script problems he is being forced to deal with. "Why doesn't my character have sex with Uma Thurman?" he helpfully suggests.
The frathouse has meanwhile erupted in chaos - Gay Jack's Horny But Rebuffed Frat Buddy has claimed that Gay Jack tried to kiss him. The frathouse ascertains what type of kiss and whether it was as a result of the natural exuberance any man might feel for another man at the end of a particularly fulfilling game of Sonic the Hedgehog.
When they are told it was not, then they have no choice but to reprimand Gay Jack. Gay Jack protests his innocence ("I may be gay, but I have standards," he shouts) but to no avail. The frathouse guys put up a sign saying 'No Homos Aloud' and Gay Jack has to go.
Back at Professor Wildstallion's home, Ah Joey is moving in for further tongue action when suddenly her phone rings. It's Dunstan. His movie is a shambles. "Well, that's to be expected, isn't it" says Ah Joey. While Dunstan agrees that it is, he still needs Ah Joey to fix everything up.
Ah Joey sighs and tells Professor Wildstallion that she has to go. "Dimples off," she says, and leaves. And then turns them back on, rushes back in and has one final pash-o-rama.
Then it's off to rescue Dunstan's lame movie. She sends Chipmunk Face home, talks to Paceman and Crazy Audrey and reassures them that if Paceman wants to lower his standards that far then she's not going to stop him. He has to make his own mistakes. Then she writes a new ending for the movie and alters weather patterns to ensure that it snows at a structurally critical juncture. Then, presumably rushes back to Professor Wildstallion and bonks him until he thinks his back is about to break.
"He's been drinking beer!! And in almost every episode!! This is just how Bailey started in Party of Five..."
Oh, and Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack start to become friends again. (I've also been meaning to mention that Gay Jack is going to have an alcoholic subplot coming up soon. He's been drinking beer!! And in almost every episode!! This is just how Bailey started in Party of Five...)
And that's it. Lame, lame, lame. Let's have a look at where the charactes stand now and see if any of them can be salvaged.
Chipmunk Face: Obviously no hope for her. Her lovey-dovey thing makes one just want to attack her with a cheese grater. So things are looking down for Chipmunk Face (rather miraculous in a way - before she fell for Dunstan I would have thought it impossible for her to become more repugnant).
Dunstan: Still a weenie. But now a weenie in love with a Chipmunk. So he's looking down also.
Crazy Audrey: Immensely strange and skin-crawling. But she has been this way since the beginning of this series, so she's not really looking down. She's holding steady.
Paceman: Now bonking Crazy Audrey. Things definitely heading downward for him.
Ah Joey: I was worried when she seemed to like the weird guy in her class. But now that she's latched onto Professor Wildstallion, I'd say things are looking up for her.
Gay Jack: His looming alcoholism plot should be promising. Looking up for him also.
Alvin: Enough already with Alvin. How many other ways can they drag this poor sod into an episode?
Professor Wildstallion: He's gettin' it on with Ah Joey. Things must be looking up for him.
So where should they go from here? How can the show be salvaged?? Clearly, we need triangles. It was the Paceman-Ah Joey-Dunstan love triangle that made Season 3 so outstandingly funny. Why not replicate that - lose Dunstan, Paceman, Crazy Audrey and Chipmunk Face (perhaps in a series of one-on-one gladiatorial battles) - and instead have Gay Jack move in on Professor Wildstallion! Now, that would be good television.
Next Week: Gay Jack gets drunk and has sex with Professor Wildstallion!! Well, maybe. In fact, we have a week's break instead.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.3 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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