THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.5 / 10 
12: Paceman Pretends To Leave
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
We open with Paceman being accosted by the lawyer chickie who he was fooling around with several episodes back.
"Oh, hello," he says. "I thought you were written out."
"Well, I was," she replies. "But my agent got me back in. And, unfortunately for you, he negotiated a deal where I am paid with your boat."
"Well, that sucks."
"Indeed," agrees Lawyer Chick. "Tell you what, after this episode, I'm disappearing to the Greek Islands to sail around and appear on the Greek Teen Soap Popadopolous's Creek. Why don't you quit this lame show and come with me?"
"Maybe I will, Lawyer Chick. Maybe I will," says Paceman, because he knows this is precisely the kind of plot intrigue that might breathe fresh new life into the show.
But really it won't, because everybody knows he won't leave. Which he doesn't... (sorry to ruin it).
Meanwhile, Dunstan has been locked in Gram's attic so Chipmunk Face can keep an eye on his new penis. However, they let him out briefly to brush his teeth and Chipmunk Face gets all possessive on him. 'That's my toothbrush', 'they're my washcloths', 'those are my diamond earrings'. Moan, moan, moan.
So Dunstan gets locked back in the attic.
Over at the University, Ah Joey is pulled aside by Professor WildStallion at the end of the class. He advises her that some strange loser at the back of the class has got the hots for her. 'Of course,' says Ah Joey. 'Dimples on.'
But of course she shoots down the strange loser in flames when he makes his move on her, because, like Lawyer Chick, Strange Loser was an extra who appeared much earlier in the season trying to nail Crazy Audrey.
Also, Gay Jack has secretly busted Dunstan out of the attic prison (much like a typical episode of Hogan's Heroes, right down to the smouldering homo-erotic tension). Gay Jack has made Dunstan help move him into the frathouse.
"...he immediately deduces that what is up is the Homophobia Quotient. "
Gay Jack has been given the presidential suite at the frathouse and, unlike everybody else, does not get at a room-mate. Gay Jack can sniff something being up. And he immediately deduces that what is up is the Homophobia Quotient.
"They don't want to share a room with me, Dunstan," he says. "And do you know why?"
Dunstan sighs. "Gee, I think I might be able to guess..."
"It's because I'm gay."
Dunstan rolls his eyes.
Paceman has given notice at the restaurant and is a bit miffed that Mr Miyagi has shown no concern whatsoever, merely yawning and dicing an extra clove of garlic in response to the news.
Dunstan has now been smuggled back into the attic prison in time to be let out for his 2 pm stroll around the kitchen.
"Gee, Grams, thanks for letting me be imprisoned in the attic. I know it must be weird for me to be locked away in your roof, only being released for the occasional walk and servicing of your granddaughter."
"It has been strange, Master Dunstan," says Grams. "At first I thought I'd eaten some very bad mushrooms. But I've learned a lot since my whore of a granddaughter moved in with me in the first season. For instance, I've learned that she is a dirty, dirty tramp who will sleep with anything with a penis." She smiles. "Do you know that four seasons ago I couldn't even say the word 'penis'."
"That's okay," says Dunstan. "Four episodes ago I didn't even have one. Boy I love Chipmunk Face," he adds, idiotically.
"Yes. Well, why don't you have an extra five minutes out then and listen to her on the radio." And she cackles evilly.
Dunstan turns on the radio just in time to hear Chipmunk Face explain how 'all men are dogs', 'every guy she's ever known has been unfaithful' and 'I currently hate my current weenie of a boyfriend'.
"But I'm sure she doesn't mean any of that..." says Grams. And cackles some more.
Ah Joey has tracked down Crazy Audrey who has informed her that the Strange Loser was just about the only guy on campus who she hadn't slept with. But he was booked in for three weeks from now.
"Bloody hell!" says Ah Joey. And runs off to track him down. "Dimples on!" she says. Ding! This Strange Loser is putty, she thinks. And obviously he is.
"I'm not really understanding the appeal of Crazy Audrey, and, thankfully, neither does Paceman."
Kind of in the middle of all this is some really bizarre flirting between Paceman and Crazy Audrey. I'm not really understanding the appeal of Crazy Audrey, and, thankfully, neither does Paceman. Instead, he takes Lawyer Chick back to the boat and shags her. It is this sensible approach to women that makes Paceman such a worthwhile role model for young, sea-faring chefs.
Back at the frathouse, Gay Jack has bored everybody to death, explaining about how he's gay and what this means and what it doesn't mean and how he's gay. Eventually, the homophobic guy who didn't want to share a room with him promises to let him share if he'll just shut up about how gay he is.
"I'll think about it," says Gay Jack.
By this time, Chipmunk Face has ended her 'Men: Evil Or Just Pitiful and Grotesquely Hairy?' radio show and has returned to the attic prison where she tries to pick a fight with Dunstan.
But Dunstan refuses to fight! "You can treat me like crap, You can try and throw stuff at me and smother me with a pillow while I'm sleeping. You can vomit every time you see me. But I won't walk away from you."
"Oh, good grief," says Chipmunk Face.
Next morning, Lawyer Chick, having had her lusts satiated by Paceman, disappears again. Sadly, she is replaced by Crazy Audrey who does her weird flirting thing again and then drags Paceman outside where the whole gang awaits to bid him farewell.
"Here," says Ah Joey. "We got you a sextant as a going away present."
"Sextant," says Crazy Audrey, giggling into her hands.
"Yes, well..." says Paceman. And then decides to change the subject. "Guys, I can't accept this."
"Why not, Paceman?" asks Dunstan.
"Well, for one thing, it's not a sextant. It's a microscope."
"Microscope," says Crazy Audrey, giggling some more.
Everybody ignores her. "For another thing," says Paceman. "I'm not going anywhere." (See, I told you)
And that's it. A so-so episode. Crazy Audrey's starting to get on the old nerves. But there may be future hope if Chipmunk Face decides to see just how mean she can be to Dunstan and still have him stay. (Although she's already sleeping with him, so it's hard to imagine what more she could do.) Anyway, let's give this one a 'Pass' mark.
Next Week: I think Ah Joey uses her dimples powers to seduce both the Strange Loser and Professor Wildstallion. Also, Grams says 'Mutual stimulation'.
Begone,
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