THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.5 / 10 
11: Ah Joey Turns Into Chipmunk Face
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, a rather drab episode this week. We open with Ah Joey sitting around back at Capeside, on holidays (as University students so very often are), being annoyed by her sister. Paceman pops his head around the corner and says 'Come on, let's scoot back to Boston.' Such is Paceman's manly ruggedness that Ah Joey instantly agrees and dashes off.
As they drive off, they are passed by Dunstan and Chipmunk Face returning to Capeside to have sex under Mrs Flash's roof. They are running late because they stopped at the side of the road to shag. Dunstan and his penis... simply out of control.
"Wow, you're really late," says Mrs Flash.
"Yes, we stopped off for, um...." says Chipmunk Face, trying to cover.
"Petrol," says Dunstan.
"Sex," says Chipmunk Face.
"I see," says Mrs Flash. "Um... Dunstan, your t-shirt's inside out."
"That's not all - I have a used condom in my shoe!"
"Ewwwwwwwwww......."
Back in Boston, it turns out that Crazy Audrey is still in town and she's looking for a job so Paceman takes her off to see Mr Miyagi who likes her sassy style and immediately hires her to give lip to Paceman.
Mr Miyagi also gives Paceman a raise for living on a boat. "You impress me." He impresses us all, Mr Miyagi.
"She celebrates by groping her cool lecturer, Professor WildStallion."
Ah Joey zooms off to check her grades. Straight A's. Just like a nerd. She celebrates by groping her cool lecturer, Professor WildStallion.
Then it's off to the local bar to party with Paceman and Crazy Audrey.
At Capeside, Dunstan has run off to investigate a plumbing emergency of some ilk, leaving Chipmunk Face and Mrs Flash to talk.
"I want Dunstan to move to Boston," says Chipmunk Face.
"You too??!? Brilliant. I thought I'd never get rid of his meddling.
"I intend to keep him locked up in the attic."
"That seems fair," nods Mrs Flash.
Back at the party Ah Joey is being chatted up by Alvin who pulls out some rip-snortingly good pick-up lines (essentially 'boy, you're hot!'). She resists because, well, that's just how Ah Joey is.
Chipmunk Face has by now managed to sit down with Dunstan and say 'rightey-o then young penis boy. You're moving to Boston to be locked in my attic'. Dunstan resists and insults her (primarily because it's a habit he's yet to fully break and, of course, there's so much to insult) and she runs off all cross. She teaches him all the things one can do with a penis and still he insults her! It's a hard life being a tramp.
Back in Boston, after a number of very good put-downs, Ah Joey finally gets up and, much to everybody's disappointment, sings.
"Oh my god," says Crazy Audrey. "Ah Joey's singing!!!"
"God-awful, isn't it?" says Paceman, nodding.
And then Ah Joey finishes, inspiring raptured applause. "She's finished!!" roars the crowd. "Woo-hoo!!" they continue.
"...in a dose of very Chipmunk Facesque behaviour, slips the tongue down Alvin's throat."
And Ah Joey runs out the back and, in a dose of very Chipmunk Facesque behaviour, slips the tongue down Alvin's throat.
Capeside has by now seen Mrs Flash give Dunstan a talking-to. "Will you please sod off!" she says. "We don't want you here, bugging us all the time. Go! This attic-prison Chipmunk Face is talking about sounds really... um... far away from here.
"All right," says Dunstan and then heads off to see Chipmunk Face and apologise to her for being so rude and not interested in the attic-prison.
He begins with an absurd lie. "You are so beautiful," he says. And Chipmunk Face falls for it! As Hitler used to say 'the bigger the lie, the easier it is to sell' (he used to say it in German, though).
And after her dose of sluttiness, Ah Joey decides to leave Alvin dangling. "Nope," she says. "Off you scoot. I'm far too cute to deal with your shenanigans."
And Alvin wonders where he went so terribly wrong. But it's too late. Because it's the end of the episode.
And a pretty drab one it was too. Nothing particularly interesting at all. Dunstan's lie about Chipmunk Face being beautiful was funny, but not enough to sustain an entire episode. Ah well.
Next Week: Ah Joey continues to move in on Professor WildStallion. Also, Dunstan gets locked in the attic-prison. Oh, and Paceman starts getting hot for Crazy Audrey. Weird!
Begone,
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