Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

After last week’ssojourn into a completelydifferent show, this week weare back, big and bawdy with the wholegang meeting up for dinner.

It doesn’t begin withthe whole gang. Chipmunk Face andDunstan are yet to make theirappearance (it’s about twoparagraphs away), so we justhave Ah Joey, Gay Jack, Paceman andCrazy Audrey getting together for ameal to be cooked by Paceman, using theskills taught to him by head chefMiyagi.

So they’re in thekitchen, a-choppin’ and a-heatin’,talking about nothing in particular.Crazy Audrey is obsessed withmeeting Grams for some reason- I think she may be a drug-crazedobsessive, looking for a newsupplier.

So they headinside and start groping one another inan absolutely disgusting display ofchipmunk molestation.

Meanwhile, outsidethe house Dunstan and Chipmunk Facehave decided that they won’ttell anybody about Dunstan’s newpenis and what he’s been doingwith it. So they head inside and startgroping one another in anabsolutely disgusting display ofchipmunk molestation.

Unfortunatelyeverybody comes out of the kitchen andwitnesses the groping. There’sa bit of dry retchingbut nobody is looking away.

Opening creditsroll.

Now, it is simplya consequence of elementarycombinatorics that if you takesix people, you can split them intoexactly 6×5/2×1=15 possible pairings.If you exclude Crazy Audrey onthe grounds that she may not be aperson, then you have fivepeople and 5×4/2×1=10 possiblepairings. It is to the credit of thisweek’s writers that they illustrate thebasics of combinatorics by utilisingevery single one of these 10 pairings(plus a couple of Crazy Audrey-Ah Joeyefforts) in a series of ‘can we talkfor a moment’ one-on-one conversationsthroughout Paceman’s shambles of adinner.

(Paceman’sdinner is a shambles. I wouldhave hoped that by now this could havegone without saying.)

So let’s go throughthe groupings one by one andsee what was said,shall we?

We’ll get CrazyAudrey-Ah Joey out of the way firstbecause Crazy Audrey isscrewing up all the maths withher status of being not really part ofthe gang, but for some reason at thedinner. She is so strung out that shestarts throwing food all over herselfand drags Ah Joey away a couple oftimes and tells her that she should becrying and upset. Ah Joey refuses tooblige. “Boy, you must bereally upset if you don’t want to admityou’re upset,” says CrazyAudrey, in a glorious moment forillogic.

All right, that’senough of Crazy Audrey and herlogic-bending ways. Let’s geton to the 10 possible pairings.

‘Boy, she reallyis a tramp!’ says Paceman. Gay Jackhigh-fives him.

1) Gay Jack andPaceman sit together while everybodyelse is off being all angst-filled andteary, discussing how both ofthem both nearly shagged Chipmunk Facebut sobered up in time andmanaged not to. “Boy, she really is atramp!” says Paceman. Gay Jackhigh-fives him.

2) Chipmunk Face andAh Joey were forced to sit together atone point and Chipmunk Face concocted afunny lie about how she didn’t plan onhumping Dunstan, it’s just thathe had a penis and he waswithin ten feet - what was shesupposed to do?? “He has a penis??”says Ah Joey, annoyed that she’s beenleft out of the loop.

3) Gay Jack andDunstan are sitting at the table at onepoint, more or less alone (Paceman isthere but he’s far too obsessed withhis rice). Gay Jack asks for somedetails and juicy gossip, but Dunstanrather boringly refuses to provide it.There is a lull in theconversation that Gay Jack feelsobligated to rectify. “Hey,have I mentioned that I’m gay?”

4) Paceman andChipmunk Face have a chat kind of atthe end of all the shenanigans andChipmunk Face is impressed that Pacemanisn’t ragging on her. “Man, if I raggedon you every time you didsomething slutty or dumb, I’dbe in a non-stop ragathon,” revealsPaceman. “Besides, I stole her fromhim, I think it’s fitting and funnythat you’ve stolen him from her.” “Yesit is, isn’t it?” agrees Chipmunk Faceand they laugh.

5) Ah Joey and GayJack have a chin-wag in the kitchen. “Ijust think it’s disgusting the wayshe’s preying on him in this moment ofweakness!” says Gay Jack. “Hey,” saysAh Joey, “I didn’t even thinkof that. It is low ofher to move in while he’s still reelingfrom his father’s death!” “I wastalking about the insane urges beinggenerated from his new penis,” says GayJack.

6) Dunstan andPaceman have their conversation whenAlvin shows up and whisks Chipmunk Faceoutside. (BTW, Alvin shows up andwhisks Chipmunk Face outside.) Dunstangets up to go check on them, Pacemanfollows and says “Hey, man,don’t be aneedie-head. You have to trusther.” “Would you trust her?”retorts Dunstan. “You know her. She’sbeen out there 45 seconds with him,she’s probably naked by now.” “True,true. Run! Run like the wind!!” AndDunstan dons the old Kid Flash uniformand heads out, shoos Alvin away,makes Chipmunk Face put herclothes back on and return todinner.

7) Chipmunk Face andGay Jack meet up at the CD player andthey have a pretty good go at oneanother. Gay Jack calls her a sluttlylittle Chipmunk taking advantage ofsomebody struggling under the burden ofhaving been blessed with a brand newpenis. “Awww, you are,” saysChipmunk Face, beforerecovering to accuse him of being atwo-dimensional frat boy.Unfortunately, Gay Jack takes this as acompliment and therefore wins theargument.

Dunstan and AhJoey finally have a discussion in thekitchen. “Why are you screwing achipmunk when you could have me?” saysAh Joey. “Look at thesedimples!!” Dunstan tries tooffer an explanation for his bizarrechoice but cannot. “It hurts to bearound you,” he finally says. “BecauseI’m so pretty, right?” says Ah Joey.“Yes,” sighs Dunstan. “Becauseof that.”

‘You know what Iadmire about you?’ says Ah Joey. ‘Myraw animal magnetism?’ saysPaceman.

9) Paceman and AhJoey have a chat on the way home. “Youknow what I admire about you?” says AhJoey. “My raw animalmagnetism?” says Paceman.”Yes,” agrees Ah Joey. “And also yourability to see the big picture. Likelast season when the episodes gotreally lame and you dumped me, you hadthe sense to just get away from it alland refocus.” “Hmmm… Ah Joey? Iactually just ran away.” “Yes, but youdid it on a boat!! That’s pretty sexy.You remind me of Popeye.” “Iyam what I yam,” saysPaceman.

10) And finallyChipmunk Face and Dunstan agree tosleep in the attic. Why I do not know.”Boy, these penises sure cause a lot oftrouble,” says Dunstan. “True,” saysChipmunk Face. “But they surecan teach us a lot about combinatoricstoo.”

And that’sessentially it. A fantastic episodewhich taught us something about thefundamentals of mathematics. It waslike an episode of SesameStreet but with not quite as muchsexual tension. This episodewas brought to you by the number 10 andthat, therefore, is its score.

Next Week: Ah Joey sings which is alwaysbad news. But, in an even more shockingdevelopment she begins to turn intoChipmunk Face, going slutty andshagging Alvin.

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