THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 5
Score: 7.4 / 10 
1: Don't Call Me Dunstan
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Fade in to Ah Joey's lecturer reading out loud a short story that Ah Joey has penned for class. It is all about the last episode of last season, where she so bafflingly slipped the tongue to Mr Tosser. "See Ah Joey kiss," the lecturer reads. "Kiss, Ah Joey. Kiss."
A debate immediately erupts over the literary worth of Ah Joey's tale - The Girl Who Kissed A Tosser.
"Absolute puerile nonsense," says some foolish lad who will surely never be seen on the show again.
"A thrilling masterpiece, combining Austen with Seuss," opines some suck-up chick.
"One thing's for sure," says the lecturer. "You're clearly a writer." His sarcasm is lost on Ah Joey's pretty head, although the fact that he gave her a C-- should have perhaps been a clue to his real feelings.
She then went for a jog. This was my favourite scene of the entire episode.
Halting this inspirational and important scene is a phone call from Mr Tosser. "Guess what?" he says. "I'm going to be a lackey on a new movie that's being shot - it's called Miami Vice: The New Generation. I'm growing stubble to celebrate."
"So does this mean you're not coming to visit me this weekend?"
"Well, are you in Miami?" asks Mr Tosser, hanging up.
Elsewhere, Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack are walking and talking, a skill they've picked up in Walking and Talking 101. Gay Jack has clearly been busily attending many classes, including Modern Homosexuality 101. Here he has learnt exciting new ways to say 'I'm gay' without uttering those precise words.
"Boy, that guy's HOT!!" he says.
Chipmunk Face is impressed by this and yet horny (for other reasons (ie a lack of sex)).
"It must be difficult for you, I know," says Gay Jack. "What with your enormously trampish nature."
And then some football-throwing lunatic invites them to a party.
"Ah Joey mopes but obeys."
Ah Joey heads back to her home where her roommate tells her to sod off because she's about to get laid. Ah Joey mopes but obeys.
Meanwhile, Mr Tosser has shown up on the set of the movie and hit it off immediately with some bimbo who assures him that he's the single most gifted individual she's ever met and she's looking forward to working with him.
Mr Tosser knows this can't be right, and (stupidly) says so.
"Is your name Dunstan?" she says.
"No, it's Mr Tosser."
"Ahh..." and Mr Tosser is booted out.
He chats with the director who hates him on sight. "Are you Dunstan?" the director demands angrily.
"No."
"Then why am I putting up with your nonsense!"
Poor ol' Dunstan.
Chipmunk Face has shown up to Paceman's boat which is secretly moored next door to her house.
"New season's started, Paceman!" she says.
"Already?! Bugger. Look, you're gonna have to give me a few minutes. I'm not at all ready."
"Okay," says Chipmunk Face and then tells Paceman how Ah Joey and Gay Jack believe that he is sailing through the seas of Afghanistan.
"Boy, they're cute but they're dumb," says Paceman. "I can see them from here." He waves but they ignore him. "Look, I'll probably have to give this episode a miss and see you next week."
But Chipmunk Face has headed off already.
Back to Hollywood and Mr Tosser (aka Dunstan) has spilled the coke all over the floor.
"You stupid, horrid little boy!" screams the director.
Dunstan stands up and says "It's you who are horrid, Mr Director. You don't know how lucky you are to be directing Miami Vice: The New Adventures. You take it all for granted and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."
"You have balls," says Mr Director, ironically given Dunstan's total lack of genitalia. And then Dunstan gets fired.
Meanwhile, back in Boston, Gay Jack, Ah Joey and Chipmunk Face are off to a party, where they have a thoroughly tedious time. They are also joined by Ah Joey's roommate, Crazy Audrey. Crazy Audrey doesn't know her boundaries and is trying to move in on both Crazy Andy's former turf (fair enough) but also Chipmunk Face's well-staked-out slut turf.
"... who am I to question his shameful heterosexual past."
Gay Jack, forgetting his college learnin' tells Crazy Audrey that he's gay in his more traditional fashion. "Are you sure?" she says. "Well," he replies. "I kissed the two most beautiful girls in Capeside and it did nothing for me." I must confess that I don't ever recall Gay Jack kissing Paceman's Babe Sister, but who am I to question his shameful heterosexual past.
There's been a bit of tension between Crazy Audrey and Ah Joey because, let's face it, Ah Joey never really liked Crazy Andy or Chipmunk Face so the odds of her liking some bizarre amalgam of the two is slim indeed.
But they have a bit of a chat and Ah Joey explains her troubles and why she's finding it all so difficult.
"Yes," says Crazy Audrey. "Me too. I left my boyfriend in High School and we broke up too and it was awful but now I'm sleeping with just about anything I can lay my hands on and I'm just trying--"
"Wait a minute," says Ah Joey, interrupting. "I don't think anybody cares about your problems." And wanders off.
And then Ah Joey calls Dunstan and says "Hey, Dunstan, I've decided that I'm sick of your attitude and I miss you so much that I never want to see you or hear from you again." Which may not make much sense, but then again, that's Ah Joey for you. "Call me back," she says, in conclusion. Cute as a button, but mad as a button also.
Chipmunk Face is sitting in the corner when a guy walks up to her. "No way am I having sex with you," she says, in a very un-Chipmunk-like fashion.
"I was just going to take a leak," says the guy.
"Oh, be my guest," she says, stealing a peek.
"BTW," says the guy. "I'm in the band (there is a band at the party. It is a tribute band to Alvin and the Chipmunks). I'm Alvin."
"Cool," thinks Chipmunk Face. "Hmmm.... A groupie slut. This could be new territory." And so she falls in love with him.
And that's pretty much it.
Except right at the end, Dunstan knocks on Ah Joey's door and they hug.
This week's lesson is, of course, this: Some people in Hollywood are rude. Dunstan learned this the hard way. Hopefully if some of you kids go to Hollywood, you'll take Dunstan's valuable lesson with you.
Next week: Something happens. I assume Paceman makes his triumphant return. And let's hope that Dunstan shaves, 'cause the stubble thing just ain't workin...
Begone,
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