THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.4 / 10 
9: Mr Tosser Goes The Pash
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, a somewhat drab Dawson.
Ah Joey has been invited to The Butterfly Ball (where love is all, don't you know?) to schmooze with the rich people. Stupidly, she invites the Paceman to join her.
Elsewhere, Chipmunk Face is all pre-menstrual and cross. She is clearly not taking note of the winged pads that can fit in G-strings that are continually advertised during the show (such ads are the kind of thing that cause me to doubt whether I am the key demographic of this show... ah well). Anyway, she's all cross, and when we first see her is knitting. As chipmunks are not physically able to knit (given their tiny little paws and opposable-thumblessness), I can only assume that there was some form of digitally enhanced skullduggery going on here, much as they used to create Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars: Episode One or Keanu Reeves in every movie he's been in.
I seem to have digressed. My point, wildly immersed in there somewhere, is that Chipmunk Face is being a real grump. Also, horrifically, she has not applied for college. Gay Jack is staggered by her recklessness and dobs on her to Grams.
Meanwhile, Mr Tosser and Paceman's Babe Sister are throwing a party - because it's Christmas, don't you know? So that's pretty stupid.
Also, Mr Tosser is bugging his Grumpy Old Movie Director about why he quit being a great movie director. And do you know why? Because his best friend fell in love with his girlfriend and they ran off together and they were named Ah Joey and Paceman. 'But you probably can't know what that's like,' says GOMD. 'No,' agrees Mr Tosser, whose stupidity grows by the moment.
Elsewhere, Ah Joey is at the Butterfly Ball trying to impress the rich people. But she's too shy and cute and dimpled, so it all falls to pieces. Happily, Paceman dons a rubber nose and a big red wig and proceeds to amuse all with his antics and quick wit and fart jokes. 'Do you want to come to Rich Person's College with Ah Joey?' asks the Dean. 'We need a mascot - and you have just the brand of idiocy we're looking for at Rich People's College.' Paceman says he's going to be a court jester at Harvard instead. This makes Ah Joey inexplicably cross.
"... boy is Crazy Andy pissing her off also ..."
Chipmunk Face is still very angry about life, and she hates Grams and she's annoyed at Gay Jack. And boy is Crazy Andy pissing her off also (even though she left a few weeks ago) and is she ever-so-mad at the world!!
And Mr Tosser's feeling down and hiding in his room because... oh, who knows why he's feeling down and hiding in his room. Perhaps he regrets not having a penis. Paceman's Babe Sister shows up and says that the party is lacking cute high school boys. This non sequitir baffles everybody.
But over at the ball, Paceman has been so consistently fabulous that he convinces everybody to be friends with Ah Joey, pointing out that she's a great chick with a bod that just won't quit. So Ah Joey stops being cross with him because she realised it made no sense originally.
Then Gay Jack and Grams submit Chipmunk Face's application to Chipmunk College for her and she's furious about that, too. But then Grams (who's popped some ecstasy) confesses that no matter how stupid and hateful and spiteful and wretched and chipmunkey Chipmunk Face is, she (Grams) will always love her (Chipmunk Face). 'Me too,' says Gay Jack. 'I love you too. But not in a sexual way with the bits and stuff, because I'm gay.' This cheers Chipmunk Face up because Gay Jack hasn't told anybody that he's gay in ages... since... oh, since a few weeks back with his kiddie soccer team.
Then Grumpy Old Director flirts with Grams in a futile bid to score free drugs.
And then... just as Ah Joey and Paceman show up, Mr Tosser finally unleashes his most brilliant of strategies and moves in for a very big pash on Paceman's Babe Sister.
Shocked looks on everybody's face. Fade to black.
Kinda drab episode with no purpose other than the last minute - so I draw a red question mark on the tape and scrawl 'must try harder'.
Next week: Dame Jealousy comes a-wanderin' into town. Ah Joey and Paceman's Babe Sister have a catfight! (Maybe)
Begone,
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