THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
8: The Dawson's Creek Players Do 'Snatch'
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, well, well... the first post-Crazy Andy episode of Dawson, and it's sufficiently crazy to have been written by her.
We commence with some form of prank (also known as 'hijinks'), namely a boat with a dog on it that had been smuggled into the school pool. Hilarious, I know.
But who was responsible?
That's what Harry Shearer in his role as Principal Skinner wanted to know (because it was his boat and his dog). So he confronts his three main suspects Paceman ('cause he's a troublemaking punk), Gay Jack ('cause he's gay) and Mr Tosser ('cause his nautical kleptomania has been well documented).
So, one by one, Principal Skinner calls in the three suspects and, with the aid of Mr Flash, proceeds to interrogate them mercilessly, asking them to tell him what they had been up to the previous day.
And none of them had been up to anything particularly interesting.
Paceman rode around in the police car with his brother all day, dissed him and his choice of lifestyle and then eventually regretted his bad attitude when he learned a valuable lesson about the important functions a policeman can serve in our community.
"Gay Jack's coaching was sufficiently magnificent, with ... a cunning 7-1-2 formation that stunned the soccer world ..."
Gay Jack was hung out and coached his soccer team with the dubious aid of Chipmunk Face. Gay Jack's coaching was sufficiently magnificent, with insightful positional switches and a cunning 7-1-2 formation that stunned the soccer world, to ensure his team ended up winning the game and got through to the FA cup final! However, the owners weren't happy with Gay Jack's coaching (most notably, his bringing along of a chipmunk to the game) and sacked him. Which made the goalie cry (as they do - crybaby hand-users).
Mr Tosser meanwhile had hung out with Grams' Drug-Addled Old Friend Who Had His Boat Stolen And Is Making Mr Tosser Paint His House And Who Still Doesn't Have A Catchy Nickname. I have no idea what Mr Tosser was doing there because he wasn't painting his house any more. But he was there and he was poking his nose into the old guy's business - which was pretty dull also. Mr Tosser eventually discovered with his snooping that the old guy was some famous old director (possibly Oliver Stone - this wasn't made clear).
After Principal Skinner listened to all these stories, he could come to only one conclusion - he was bored as hell by this episode. Furthermore, it must have been evil old Bruce Wayne who'd performed the prank. No idea where this logical triple-jump came from, but there you are.
So he busted Bruce's chops.
But Ah Joey and Mr Flash knew better and deduced instead that Gay Jack, Paceman and Mr Tosser had all conspired to frame Bruce Wayne and pull off the prank! What a caper!! It reminded me of Mission Impossible and Porky's 2.
And that was about it. When Paceman and Mr Tosser were burying the bodies at the end, Paceman asked Mr Tosser if their scheme was going to bring them closer together and rekindle their friendship. 'Nope,' said Mr Tosser. 'Good,' said Paceman.
Kinda dumb episode. But next week!!! Next week Mr Tosser unveils his even more cunning scheme by slipping the tongue to Paceman's Babe Sister! Brilliant!!
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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