THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.5 / 10 
7: Crazy Andy Leaves The Show
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, Crazy Andy, in one final bid for sanity has gone to Italy. And, naturally, before she left, she showered us one last time with a multitude of tears.
But I get ahead of myself...
It begins with Gay Jack not talking to Chipmunk Face because Chipmunk Face gave Crazy Andy drugs. Bad, bad chipmunk, says Gay Jack. Now I won't let you hang around my gorgeous bod no more. Cruel, perhaps, but sometimes it takes more to train a chipmunk than a well-placed smack on the nose.
Actually, Gay Jack's not the only one with an anti-chipmunk vibe. Everybody has pretty much joined the bandwagon, except of course for crazy ol' Crazy Andy, who inexplicably blames the girl who fell off the pier and drowned a couple of seasons ago.
Meanwhile, Ah Joey has been told that to get into the College of Contrived Plot Premises, she must ask the person who knows her best to write an essay about how he knows her best... or something. So she agonises over it in her cute way, then decides to double the cuteness factor by calling on Paceman's Babe Sister, who makes her sole appearance for the episode. PBS says 'Well, Paceman's your bonk, but Mr Tosser knows you best.' 'Damn,' says Ah Joey and heads off to look for Mr Tosser.
Elsewhere, Gay Jack and Crazy Andy's homophobic father has told Crazy Andy to stop taking ecstasy and quit school to go to Italy instead. Crazy Andy, crazily, has to think about this. She asks Gay Jack for an opinion. 'Not fair!' says Gay Jack. 'Why don't I get to go to Italy and dance with the Eurotrash?' Then there's a knock on the door. It's Chipmunk Face, who is under the impression that Gay Jack wants to be friends again. 'Nope,' says Gay Jack and goes to slame the door in her face. 'Well, I may have given your sister arsenic-laced ecstasy, but at least I don't behave like a horridly rude person!' screams Chipmunuk Face.
Bruce Wayne then corners Chipmunk Face and says 'Hey, everybody else may hate chipmunks, but I stand by all rodents'. 'Oh, go away, Bruce Wayne,' says Chipmunk Face.
"Paceman, for example, just sees 'mind-bogglingly cute face'."
Ah Joey has found Mr Tosser who is still painting away like a maniac. She asks him to write the essay on how he knows Ah Joey best. As evidence of how well he knows her, he points to different faces she wears. There's the 'Can you do me a favour' face. And the 'Now I'm telling a great big lie' face. And then there's the 'face she keeps in a jar beside the door.' Which is pretty observant of Mr Tosser. Paceman, for example, just sees 'mind-bogglingly cute face'.
Then Bruce Wayne, in a brilliantly Machiavellian move, confesses to giving Chipmunk Face the ecstasy that she passed on to Crazy Andy and blows the whistle on Chipimunk Face as well. So they're both forced to do 100 hours of community service. Grams is really annoyed with Chipmunk Face. 'If you want to peddle drugs, why didn't you just come to me?' she asks. 'I always need good young runners.'
Mr Tosser tells Ah Joey that he can't write the essay about how well he knows Ah Joey because he's lost his pencil. 'Bummer,' says Ah Joey. Paceman shows up and says 'what's all this, then?' and then sees that Ah Joey asked Mr Tosser to write the essay so has a bit of a mental attack about that.
Then, finally, Crazy Andy invites everybody to Mr and Mrs Flash's restaurant for dinner and gives a very emotional speech saying 'I've had enough of this show and the stupid plot premises such as the one we've just seen tonight with Ah Joey and her stupid essay. I'm off to Italy to appear on an Italian game show called Oops, Now That's Crazy!
Then she starts to cry and makes a speech saying that until she came to Capeside she didn't know what it was like to have true friends, or to love, or to look like a hooker. But now she does. And she wants everybody to be friends or else the show will be cancelled within six, eight weeks at best.
Everybody is concerned about this, momentarily forgetting that Crazy Andy is in fact insane, and they all kiss and make up. Crazy Andy cries some more then taps her ruby red slippers together and disappears forever!
What an episode. BTW, this episode was dedicated to the actor who played Gay Jack's homophobic father. I can only assume he died of homophobia. Let that be a lesson, kids. Live and let live.
Next week: Something brilliant happens! Harry Shearer shows up and proceeds to do the voices of all his Simpsons characters.
Begone,
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