Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

An absolutelybrilliant episode of Dawsontonight.

It begins with CrazyAndy getting accepted into Harvard viaone of Harvard’s world famous’Bonkers Scholarships’. She issimply staggered by this turn of eventsand races home with Gay Jack to tellher homophobic father. ‘That’s great,Crazy Andy,’ says Anti-Gay Dad. ‘I’venever been more proud of you than I amright now. And I’ve never been moreashamed of your brother, whocontinues to yearn to play thepink oboe.’

Despite her father’sapproval of her crazy but notgay lifestyle, Crazy Andyfeels not as happy about her BonkersScholarship as she should and decides,therefore, to go to a rave party towhich she has mysteriously beeninvited.

Also invited to therave are Paceman’s Babe Sister and MrTosser. ‘You should come, Mr Tosser,’says PBS. ‘Raves are like, hellsick.’ ‘Will they play someSteven Spielberg soundtracks?’ asks MrTosser. ‘Probably not,’ admits PBS.’Then count me out of thatnutty scene,’ says Mr Tosserand heads homeward.

He wanders in thedoor and finds his parents celebratingtheir decision to unabort thebaby they aborted last week.Rightey-o, says Mr Tosser, spins on oneheel and leaves Mr and Mrs Flash offcamera for the rest of the show.

Mr Tosser wandersover to PBS’s place to go to the raveparty after all. Who should be there,ready to rave their minds away, butPaceman and Ah Joey. Moments ofcreepy tension arise, but thenMr Tosser remembers his cunning revengeplan and smiles enigmatically and theyall head off to the party.

Also on their way tothe party are Chipmunk Face and CrazyAndy. Chipmunk Face has the ecstasythat young Bruce Wayne gave to her acouple of weeks ago. Crazy Andytherefore feels she has no choice butto take the aforementioned ecstasy!! OhCrazy Andy, you arecrazy!

‘Pshaw!’ says PBS, andsnorts 7-Up out her nose.

So they’re at therave and Crazy Andy loves everybody andAh Joey takes PBS aside and says ‘PBS,you are clearly the mostsensible and together babelikewoman this planet has everseen - why are you hanging out with MrTosser? Do you love him?”Pshaw!’ says PBS, andsnorts 7-Up out her nose. ‘No!’

Then PBS gets worriedand asks Mr Tosser whether he lovesher. Mr Tosser cleverlylies and races to the ‘JustGood Friends’ speech before PBS candeliver it. As mentioned before, for atosser, he is doing very, very wellwith this little revenge scheme. Itwill all unfoldnicely, I feel.

Also unfolding nicelyis Crazy Andy who bumps into Ah Joeyand Paceman. She informs Paceman thatshe still loves himand will always love him andfurthermore would like to ‘humpyour brains out again just one moretime’. Then she informs AhJoey that she loves her too and thinksshe’s ‘really nice, except for the timeyou dumped Mr Tosser, which was alittle cold, but on the otherhand, very very funny’. Shethen goes on to observe that given thechoice between Mr Tosser and Pacemannobody could fault her decision. Shethen adds once more that, given theopportunity, she would dodisgusting things to thePaceman until he literallybegged her to stop.

Then Crazy Andy goesinto a castle and begins tobounce. Sadly, it’s not one ofthose bouncing castles, so theexperience proves too much andher brain explodes. Anambulance is called and Crazy Andy istaken away, along with Gay Jack, who isreally pissed off with Chipmunk Facefor a) giving Andy ecstasy and b)disrupting his chat with a couple ofdrag queens. ‘I won’t forgive you forthis,’ says Gay Jack. And onefeels he means it.

And that’s about all.Everybody rags on ChipmunkFace. Bruce Wayne tells herthat’s because secretly they hate her.(It’s not actually a secret, but BruceWayne doesn’t know that.) Paceman staysat the hospital in case Crazy Andywakes up and wants to performsome of the filthy sex actsshe was earlier discussing. PBS goeshome, unsure within herself how she canbe so sensible and yet secretly want MrTosser. And Mr Tosser craps onto Ah Joey until the creditsroll.

A superb episode! Anytime Crazy Andy does something reallycrazy, one must stand and applaud.Remember, kids. Don’t do drugsor you will go as crazy as CrazyAndy. A powerfuldeterrent.

Next Week: Crazy Andy leaves the show!Boy, is she crazy.

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