THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.3 / 10 
4: Ah Joey Gets Off Her Face
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
WARNING: The following Dawson File may contain such rude words as 'sprunt' or 'peckerpaste'. If you have web software of a censoring variety, it may deem the file far too unsavoury for your precious eyes and refuse to pass it on. If this is the case, then please... let me know immediately and I will make fun of you for being such a PG cry-baby. Thank you.
Well, what a pointless episode of Dawson. I think this was the episode where the gang was supposed to fret and stress about where they were going to college next year. But Ah Joey rendered the entire episode moot in the opening section where she told us that 'the writers will no doubt ensure that we all end up at boring old Capeside U next year.' Sometimes this show's obsession with self-referentiality just goes too far. Also, I noticed a mild contempt for Beverly Hills 90210... which as I've previously mentioned is simply not on.
Now, while Ah Joey has assured us all that there's no need to worry - that the gang will all somehow find college happiness together next season, the rest of the cast don't seem to know it. And Ah Joey apparently forgets straight after she tells us - some form of Jedi mind trick, I believe. So they all stress and it's tediously pointless.
Meanwhile, Gay Jack has bust his shoulder trying to catch a pass playing football and therefore can no longer be in the football team. (You may have forgotten (I certainly had) but Gay Jack is one of the greatest footballers in history. He is like a young Ian Roberts.) Mysteriously, Gay Jack is bummed out by his lack of football in his foreseeable future. Perhaps it has something to do with post-match showers, this wasn't made clear.
"Bruce Wayne ... pretends that it is Chipmunk Face's birthday ..."
Then funny old Bruce Wayne, the new rich kid in town, in a nefarious scheme worthy of the Riddler, pretends that it is Chipmunk Face's birthday and throws a birthday party for her in an old abandoned mansion.
And the party goes splendidly. Ah Joey gets drunk as a newt and starts pontificating mysteriously about whether or not she's a man (she's not). She has deep, drunken chats with Chipmunk Face and Crazy Andy, at one point making an odd salad dressing analogy.
Then she gets a bit drunker and decides it would be funny to go in and play strip poker with The Paceman. As with a couple of weeks ago, the writers, having come up with a very exciting plotline, abandon it immediately and instead Paceman carries Ah Joey home.
She wants him to carry her to her door, because she's too drunk to walk. No way, says Paceman. What kind of a peckerpaste do you think I am? Then Ah Joey reminds Paceman that she's incredibly cute and looks up at him with very big eyes. The Paceman understandably disintegrates into goo at this overt display of undbridled dimples and adorability.
Then Bruce Wayne offers Chipmunk Face some ecstasy. She says no and this is the 'Don't Do Drugs' lesson for the evening. So, remember, kids, don't do drugs... unless the drug is alcohol, and you're really cute with a dopey boyfriend you can wrap around your finger.
Meanwhile, Mr Tosser is cracking onto Paceman's sister in a very well thought out revenge scheme. Majestic, especially considering Mr Tosser's renowned spruntiness.
Still, a stupid episode. I give it 4 out of 10.
Next week: Ah Joey decides to bonk Paceman's brains out. Don't miss it!
Begone,
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