THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.6 / 10 
3: The Dawson's Creek Players Do 'The Perfect Storm'
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
This is clearly and without any doubt the greatest show ever made. Here's what happened.
We start with Mr Tosser (aka Dawson aka Kid Flash) and Ah Joey squabbling in class about interpretations of one of Shakespeare's Lesser Known Plays (Weekend At Bernie's). While they were squabbling, young Bruce Wayne from last week decides to make some mischief and proposes that the two of them have a full debate about the issue in class the next day. The teacher recognises that this could make a very useful plot device, so approves the debate and cleverly decides to add Bruce Wayne to the mix.
As a result of this excellent plot device, Ah Joey can't go sailing with Paceman, but Chipmunk Face invites herself along. 'I must warn you, however,' says Chipmunk Face. 'I won't sleep with you.' Paceman is so dazzled and taken aback by this uncharacteristically non-slutty gambit and non sequitir that he can't think of a reason for backing out in time so ends up having to go sailing with a chipmunk.
Meanwhile, Crazy Andy has a college interview with Bruce Wayne's mother, who somehow runs a college in her spare time (I didn't quite follow that bit). She asks Gay Jack whether she should put her hair in a ponytail. Gay Jack is noncommittal and Crazy Andy makes the crazy choice.
So we have Mr Tosser and Ah Joey and Bruce Wayne trying to prepare for a pointless debate that's really just a plot device. Obviously, they have little interest in it, so instead Bruce Wayne puts forward one of the great analogies of all time: Dawson's Creek as Star Wars!! Brilliant!!
Apparently, Mr Tosser is Luke Skywalker, Paceman is Han Solo and Ah Joey is Princess Leia. It is left as an exercise for the diligent viewer how everybody else fits into the scheme. But don't worry, I've done it all for you. Gay Jack is clearly C3P0. Chipmunk Face is Chewbacca (or possibly an Ewok of some description). Crazy Andy is Jar Jar Binks. The Original Flash and Mrs Flash are Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. And Grams is (obviously) Yoda.
"'Storm's a-comin',' she says."
Speaking of which, Grams, out of her gourd on angel dust, is sitting on her porch, cackling. 'Storm's a-comin',' she says. 'Ayup,' says some crazy old coot (possibly one of Grams' junkie slaves).
Anyway, so it turns out that Paceman and Chipmunk Face are trapped in a terribubble storm. 'Who's going to rescue us?' says Chipmunk Face. Paceman smiles enigmatically. 'Mr. Tosser will rescue us,' says Paceman confidently (because he knows of Mr Tosser's genetic heritage).
And Paceman's right! Mr Tosser takes Ah Joey and steals the boat of Grams' washed-out old junkie, and heads off to the rescue! Meanwhile, Crazy Andy takes control of the home front and barks out orders (such as 'sweep up the floor, Bruce Wayne', 'call up Grams and order some DMT for when this is all over' and 'I'm a magic pixie! Look at my ears rotate'). Apart from some of the latter orders when her medication started to wear off, everybody agrees that she's doing a really good job.
Mr Tosser, meanwhile, has shown up to Paceman's boat. 'Jump to safety, little chipmunk,' he says. And she does so, leaping onto the stolen vessel, thereby becoming an accessory to Grand Theft Marina. 'Now, you, Paceman,' says Mr Tosser. Paceman, far more aware of the legal implications of assisting Mr Tosser's crime spree, hesitates. This doesn't deter Mr Tosser who instead jumps onto Paceman's boat (The Horny Haircut) and tries to convince him to jump to safety and an almost certain criminal record. Paceman continues to hesitate as the storm batters around mercilessly. 'Paceman,' shouts Ah Joey. 'If you don't get over here right now, you'll never got to play with my interesting bits ever again. And besides, you won't go to jail. It'll just be juvey.'
This convinces Paceman and, in absolutely brilliant slow motion so we know it's important, Paceman and Mr Tosser jump from the doomed boat to the stolen one, just seconds before a giant shark eats Paceman's boat. (I'm pretty sure I saw that out of the corner of my eye.) And they all sail home.
Bruce Wayne then bumps into Chipmunk Face and recognises her from their mutual past in Gotham City. Also, as Paceman and Ah Joey start groping one another in front of Mr Tosser, Mr Tosser's father, the original Flash, puts forward the notion that even though Mr Tosser didn't get the girl, at least he will always have something better, namely this memory (ie of Paceman with his tongue down Ah Joey's throat). 'Huh?' says Mr Tosser.
And Grams gets the kids off the hook for their boat-jacking by threatening to bust the boat-owner's crack habit wide open.
The next day Paceman comes to Mr Tosser and says 'thanks for saving my life' (and doesn't even mention him destroying his boat!). 'You would have done the same thing for me,' says Mr Tosser. 'True...' says Paceman. 'So what am I thanking you for?' and heads home.
Next week: Not exactly sure what happens but if it's as good as this week then I'll have to give it an A+.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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