THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.6 / 10 
23: Mr Tosser Runs Away
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
The season finale, and keeping in the true spirit of this season, we have a finale that was... well, let's just see, shall we?
We begin with Mr Tosser and Ah Joey sitting in bed watching Mr Tosser's crap horror movie that he made in the very first episodes of the show. The two of them wallow in nostalgia. 'Remember how I thought this movie was good?' says Mr Tosser. 'Yes, when in fact we all knew it was a pile of dogshit,' adds Ah Joey. 'And remember how you had the hots for me?' says Mr Tosser. 'Ha ha ha,' says Ah Joey. 'How pathetic was I?'
And then it's Mr Tosser's last day in Capeside, because he has to go to summer school early. The summer school is doing a remake of Happy Days - and Mr Tosser has been cast as Jenny Piccolo. So the four that are left (Mr Tosser, Ah Joey, Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face) sit on a rock and see who can gross one another out the most. Mr Tosser eventually wins by putting forth the notion that having sex with a chipmunk would be absolutely disgusting. 'You said it!' says Gay Jack, high-fiving him.
Cut to Paceman, in Barbados, making a call to Ah Joey. He waits one ring, she doesn't answer, so he hangs up, furious that she is so insensitive.
Then, back in Capeside, everybody are off to the movies. Mr Flash has a mental spasm about this, he thinks that Mr Tosser should be staying at home with his family on his last night rather than running off to watch The Joy Luck Club for a record twelfth time. 'This is not normal,' says Mr Flash. 'You're purportedly a teenage boy.' 'But it's a film that makes me feel radiant and alive,' says Mr Tosser. Mr Flash shudders at what his loins have wrought.
"Do you think Superman or Mr Fantastic use Macs?!"
(Earlier, he had offered to buy Mr Tosser a laptop PC, and Mr Tosser refused, wanting instead a Mac. 'A Mac!!' screamed the Flash. 'Men don't use Macs! Do you think Superman or Mr Fantastic use Macs?!' So the Joy Luck thing was really just the final straw in a tumultuous day for this fine and noble speedster.)
While they're at the movies, gossip-mongering starts with Gay Jack and Chipmunk Face. 'I think Ah Joey likes you,' says Gay Jack to Mr Tosser. Mr Tosser looks at him - 'You think?!' he says. 'Mr Tosser still likes you,' says Chipmunk Face to Ah Joey. 'Well, duh!' says Ah Joey. 'Look at me. I'm as cute as a button.'
So the movie ends and Mr Tosser takes Ah Joey home. It is a profound and serene moment, as these two oldest friends struggle to come to terms with the fact that they will soon be moving far away from one another, destined only to see one another sporadically during holidays from now on. 'Well,' says Mr Tosser. 'See ya!'
And then what happened?
Well, I'm buggered if I know. My bloody VCR ran out of tape and ended there. But I'll have a guess.
Ah Joey, having hung around Chipmunk Face just a little too long, went a bit slutty and stupid and went the pash on Mr Tosser. Mr Tosser, penis-less weenie that he is, still decided he should go to LA for his Happy Days stint. Paceman started making prank calls to everybody, pretending to sell aluminium siding. Chipmunk Face and Grams said goodbye to their house (and, spookily, the house said 'Goodbye' back, in a stunning display of special effects and computer-enhanced wizardry). Mr Flash ran off to join the Justice League on their most baffling case yet! And Gay Jack explained to everybody that he was gay.
But, you know, if I've guessed wrongly, feel free to let me know.
I am left with no option but to give this season finale episode an 'Incomplete' and wait until next year to set everything straight. Until then, I bid you all a fond...
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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