THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.2 / 10 
17: Ah Joey Scams Fifteen Grand
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, what a great Dawson. It all began with Ah Joey being accepted into the Greatest College in the World and Mr Tosser not even making it into The Daddo School of Film and Bloopers. A chuckle before the opening credits even roll.
So Ah Joey is just squealing with delight and making fun of Mr Tosser's loser status - as is his family. When Mr Tosser tells Mr Flash of his failure he just bursts out laughing. 'Hahaha,' he says, then turns to Mrs Flash. 'How long were you cheating on me? This idiot loser couldn't possibly have sprung from my loins.' 'I know,' she says. 'Hahaha. Still, we'll have a new baby soon.'
So Ah Joey throws a party to celebrate Mr Tosser's failure. She orders in some party pies and fairy bread and tracks down Reel Big Fish for the party band. But just minutes before the party is about to begin she gets a letter from Dean Rocco that says 'Oh yeah, you can't come to the Greatest College in the World unless you pay us some protection money - $15,000 should do nicely.'
So that bums her out, but she can at least console herself that Mr Tosser is just as big a loser. But then, suddenly, he gets a letter welcoming him into the Jason Priestley School of Groovy Hair and Sideburns. 'All right!!' exclaims Mr Tosser. Ah Joey runs off and cries, as she will never have sideburns, groovy or otherwise...
Meanwhile, Chipmunk Face, realising that the show desperately misses Crazy Andy, is back with her shrink, Dr Katz, trying to prove how crazy she is. 'Look,' she says, 'Strange slutty chipmunk-looking women are everywhere... why can't I just slot into Crazy Andy's role?'
"'But there's so much to hate,' she correctly points out."
'Because she might come back,' says Dr Katz. 'She's still on the opening credits, don't you know. No... what we have to do is stop you from hating yourself...' An extraordinary call, and one that Chipmunk Face picks him up on. 'But there's so much to hate,' she correctly points out. Dr Katz then lies in a futile bid to boost her self-esteem, claiming that she is a special and wondrous young chipmunk with much to offer the world. But he can't keep a straight face and bursts out laughing instead. So he tells her to find out the absolute last thing her father said to her, thinking that with all her drug and alcohol-induced memory loss that should give him a break from her for a fortnight or so.
Meanwhile, Mr Tosser has offered Ah Joey the $15,000 that he received for murdering the Grumpy Old Director. Ah Joey will have none of that, being fully aware of Mr Tosser's scheming nature, and nor will Paceman, who has completely discarded his noble boyfriend facade. 'I'm glad you can't go to college,' he says. 'You should stay and be a loser like me.' Ah Joey doesn't even squabble with him about this, so we can see how depressed she must be about Mr Tosser's success.
Chipmunk Face has by now tracked down master detective Bruce Wayne and asked him what they did the night she last spoke to her father. 'We sat and talked and played chess,' he says. 'You're horrid!!' screams Chipmunk Face. 'Tell the truth!' 'Okay, okay,' says Bruce. 'You behaved like a complete tramp and had sex with anything that moved.' 'Well, okay,' says Chipmunk Face. She then went and ogled a goldfish. Gay Jack helped. You know, just in case.
Then Ah Joey comes over to Mr Tosser and says, out of the blue. 'Oh yeah, by the way, I had sex with The Paceman. I bet you won't give me $15,000 now...'
This brilliant reverse psychology ploy works splendidly and within second Mr Tosser has slipped the money into her pocket. 'I think you underestimate me...' he says. 'Not at all, you easily manipulable fool,' thinks Ah Joey. 'Now, get your hand out of there,' she says.
And that's all. A superb episode, full of manipulation and trickery, with Ah Joey winning big time. Chipmunk Face finally remembered that her father's last words to her were 'You are the sluttiest link. Goodbye.' so that was funny also. But no word on Gay Jack and the goldfish.
Next Week: Mr Tosser wishes upon a star, grows a penis and has sex with PBS just like a real boy.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.2 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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