THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.7 / 10 
14: Why Paceman and Ah Joey Do Bonk
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, well, well... Ah Joey finally takes her panties off. Let's see how The Paceman accomplished such a feat.
We begin with Ah Joey, Paceman, Chipmunk Face, Gay Jack, Bruce Wayne, Bruce Wayne's Bimbo and the rest of the school all going to the snow for the weekend. As with most school excursions, this is simply an excuse for drunkenness and debauchery of the highest order. So, naturally, Mr Tosser's not going, because, if you recall, he's an enormous weenie.
Chipmunk Face is also being a bit anti as well, and her bad 'tood does not improve when, within seconds of getting off the bus, she steps in a bear trap and Gay Jack has to carry her to her cabin. Paceman and Ah Joey also have a cabin to share, as does Bruce Wayne and his Bimbo. All Bruce's doing of course, when you're a millionaire playboy, you can organise such things.
Meanwhile, back at Capeside, Mr Tosser has finally realised that the Grumpy Old Director hasn't been napping on the floor for three days. He's been in a coma!! So Mr Tosser sends him off to hospital, then says 'Cheerio' and starts to wander off. Before he can, however, a doctor takes him aside.
'Mr Dawson 'Kid Flash' Tosser?' he says. 'That's me,' confirms Mr Tosser. 'You know that recording contract GOD made you sign last episode?' 'Sure,' says Mr Tosser. 'I'm going to be the new Joe Dolce! Listen - wassa matta you? why you looka so sad? Issa not so bad. issa nicea place. Ah, shaddapa ya face.'
'Yes, yes,' says Dr Benton. 'Very good. but here's the thing. It wasn't a recording contract at all! It was a piece of paper that said you got to decide when to pull the plug on GOD.' 'Cool,' says Mr Tosser. 'Pull it.' 'No,' says the Doc. 'You don't understand. There's a very complex decision to be made.' 'Nahhh,' says Mr Tosser. 'Kill the cranky old sod.' 'Can you at least pretend to think about it... for Grams' sake?' Mr Tosser sighs. 'Okay... oh, woe is me. What to do? What to do?'
Meanwhile, back at the snow, Ah Joey is wearing little snow bunny type outfits. This is understandably driving Paceman nuts. 'When are we getting it on, Ah Joey?' he asks. 'I don't know...' says Ah Joey. 'One day, maybe.'
"Paceman opts not to mention the enormous dildo, nipple rings and barbecue tongs ..."
Then they go to a pizza place and all the boys are forced to show that they have condoms in their wallets. And they do. Ah Joey gets cross at Paceman about this. (Of course.) Paceman opts not to mention the enormous dildo, nipple rings and barbecue tongs he has also managed to stuff into his wallet. This is wise.
Mr Tosser has by now grown tired of pretending that he has a tough decision to make, so goes to visit Grams at church. 'Grams,' he says. 'What should I do?' 'You must do what you feel is right, of course,' says Grams. 'I must do what I feel is right.' 'Remember,' adds Grams. 'A Jedi feels The Force flowing through him.' 'A Jedi feels The Force flowing through him,' echoes Mr Tosser. 'These aren't the droids you're looking for.' 'These aren't the droids I'm looking for.' 'Move along.' 'Move along,' repeats the weak-minded Mr Tosser, and heads back to the hospital.
Who should he find there but Grumpy Old Director's Paceman counterpart, Horny Old Actor? As you recall from many episodes ago, GOD and HOA had a relationship eerily similar to that of Paceman and Mr Tosser and also let a chick get in the way. So HOA is back to lord it over GOD one last time. He and Mr Tosser have a bit of a chat. 'I think I'm going to kill him,' says Mr Tosser. 'I don't blame you,' agrees HOA. So Mr Tosser reaches over and pulls out the plug.
Back in the snow, Gay Jack has become so incredibly drunk that he starts groping Chipmunuk Face. Ewwww, gross. After a bit of this, Chipmunk Face (!) suggests they put a halt to it. 'You will regret it in the morning,' she says. Gay Jack thinks about this. 'True,' he says. And goes to sleep.
Over in the next cabin, Ah Joey and Paceman's squabbles have ended up with Paceman pulling out the tears. Then he's gone off and chatted with Bruce Wayne's Bimbo, who has come onto him. He rejects her, because he knows Ah Joey's watching. The combination of tears and rejection of other sexual offers does the trick and Ah Joey takes Paceman back into the cabin, tears his clothes off and, as the saucy sax plays in the background we fade to black.
An absolutely brilliant episode. Sex, murder, chipmunks breaking ankles. This episode had it all. I give it an A+++.
Next week: Well, reverting to the formula that made last year such a success, Ah Joey and Paceman now toss a coin to see who gets to tell Mr Tosser that they're bonking one another silly. So, that should be funny.
Begone,
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