THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.6 / 10 
13: Why Paceman and Ah Joey Don't Bonk
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, this is better. Dawson may not be back to its best... but it's not quite as sad it has been over the last few weeks.
We begin with Mrs Flash being all snotty to Paceman's Babe Sister. 'PBS,' she says. 'You're not good enough for my son.' 'Pshaw!' says PBS and cracks up laughing.
Elsewhere, Ah Joey is confronted by Bruce Wayne's mother (who, BTW, used to be one of Kevin Arnold's teachers on The Wonder Years) who tells her that she has to double-date with Bruce Wayne and his latest bimbo and she has to bring along Paceman as well. A ludicrous concept for a plotline but... Ah Joey seems determined to go along with it, in the finest Dawson tradition.
Also being confronted is Gay Jack, by Other Gay Guy who invites him along to teach children how to read. Gay Jack is up for that - he loves reading and he loves teaching children how to play soccer. 'No,' says OGG. 'Read - like with words and books and things.' 'Ah...' says Gay Jack, and grows ponderous.
Meanwhile, Mr Tosser is hanging out with Grumpy Old Director. GOD makes him sign a contract, ostensibly a recording contract of some description. Mr Tosser doesn't hesitate and signs like a... a... like an auctioneer's translator for the deaf.
Then Mr Tosser goes out with PBS and two of her friends, Betty and Veronica. Before he gets a chance to go, however, Mrs Flash whacks a curfew on him and points out that, in her opinion, PBS is a 'skanky ho'.
Ah Joey and Paceman are by now on their ludicrous double date with Bruce Wayne and his bimbo. Paceman is being charming and dapper and his usual magnificent self. The bimbo apprecciates this and flirts back at him. Bruce Wayne tries to start trouble between Ah Joey and Paceman, as you might expect. Ah Joey doesn't fall for it, and turns the tables on Bruce Wayne very cleverly. 'Why don't you just admit that you hate yourself?' she asks. 'I don't hate myself,' says Bruce. 'I hate Chipmunk Face.' Bruce then begins to cry and say 'I hate her so much' so Ah Joey reluctantly comforts him. 'We all do,' she says. Bruce has brilliantly righted Ah Joey's little upturned table with skilfully feigned sensitivity. He has all the skills, this young lad.
"Mr Tosser ... invents a game called Who's The Biggest Prat?"
Mr Tosser by now hates PBS's friends. All Betty and Veronica want to do is talk about Archie and Reggie and Mr Weatherbee and all the other men they have bedded. Mr Tosser is bored stupid by this so invents a game called Who's The Biggest Prat?. Unsusprisingly, he wins and so gets to go home.
Gay Jack has found a young kid who can't read and is tormenting him mercilessly. 'Just read the goddamn words!' he screams. And when the kid continues to refuse to read Gay Jack's godawful autobiography Did I Mention I'm Gay?, he challenges the kid to 'write something better then, snotface'. 'Call me Ishmael' begins the kid, srawling in crayon. 'Yeah, that works,' sneers Gay Jack.
Impressed by Gay Jack's manly brutality, OGG invites him for a gay coffee. Gay Jack is fine with it, but then realises that OGG has the hots for him so says 'no way, OGG - this bod will not be sullied by the likes of you' and runs off.
Bruce Wayne and his bimbo have made up from their little spat which had been due to the Wayne lad's insistence on pointing out how stupid the bimbo is. But she's accepted that she is stupid, and so they're off to shag somewhere.
This gets Paceman a-thinking, and that only ever leads to trouble. 'Ah Joey,' he says. 'Why don't we ever shag?' 'Because I'm scared,' reveals Ah Joey. 'Well, me too,' says Paceman.
'No,' says Ah Joey. 'I'm scared that if we have sex that you will turn into a werewolf and tear my heart out before going on a rampage down by the Moors.'
'Me too,' says Paceman. Oh, those naive young kids. Why don't they just wear some wolfsbane? Safe sex, people. Is it that difficult?
PBS tracks down Mr Tosser, gets another serve from Mrs Flash, and then tells Mr Tosser that even though he hates her friends, she'll put up with that, because she doesn't like them that much either. Mr Tosser is relieved, and so heads over to visit the Grumpy Old Director, which seems an odd choice of priorities - but that's Mr Tosser for you. And it seems even odder when he finds GOD on the floor, having a nap, tongue hanging out, with no pulse. 'Okay, Mr Sleepyhead,' says Mr Tosser. 'I'll just go back to PBS.' He does, but she's understandably gone home.
Not a bad episode. No Chipmunk Face so that's good. Let's give it 6 out of 10 and hope next week can be just that little bit better until we revert to the standard we expect and demand from this fine show.
Next week: I think Gay Jack has sex with a chipmunk next week, so that should be twisted enough to keep us amused.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.6 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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