THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.4 / 10 
12: The Most Boring Dawson Ever
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, perhaps there's something wrong with me. I could barely manage to maintain any form of interest in this episode of Dawson at all. Is it me? Or is it just some form of Dawson mid-season lull? That doesn't seem likely. It must be me.
Anyways, here's what happened. Paceman had a birthday. Ah Joey sang to him, which was stupid because she has a terrible singing voice. In this aspect she is much like Samantha Fox (some of you younger people may not remember Samantha - she was a woman who became famous in the 80s because she had been stricken by poverty to the extent that she had no clothing to wear. It was very sad and newspapers made a big deal out of her for some time, photographing her and saying 'can't we get this woman some money?' But this is all beside the point which, as I recall, was that Ah Joey cannot sing.)
Ah Joey also threw Paceman a surprise birthday party at his folks' house. This was a bad idea because all of Paceman's family hate him. Perhaps not to the extent that Mr Tosser's family hate him (Mr Tosser) but, still, it's pretty bad.
So they have the party, everybody makes fun of Paceman and Mr Tosser and Paceman's Babe Sister go down to the basement and grope one another. Paceman and Ah Joey catch them in the act... which was supposed to be some source of conflict for the episode I guess... but it just wasn't working. Who cared? He has no penis. Where can it really go?
"Has not every person on this show tried to mate with Gay Jack by now?"
Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack and The Other Gay Guy did something equally tedious. So tedious, I can't even be bothered remembering what. Other Gay Guy has the hots for Gay Jack, apparently... well, yawn. Who doesn't? Has not every person on this show tried to mate with Gay Jack by now? He's the Tiffani Amber-Thiessen of Capeside (for some of you even younger kids... there once was a show called Beverly Hills 90210... and it had a character named Valerie who slept with every other character. Ah... 90210.... maybe that's the fix Dawson needs. Why not a guest appearance from one of the 90210 gang? Like Dylan... or David... or maybe Ray could come along and start punching somebody in the head (ideally Donna). But again, I've digressed. And it's no wonder with the tedium of the Dawson episode.)
Anyway, nothing happened. Paceman started to cry after his family ragged on him too much, then said he didn't make it into his backup college, so we're supposed to think that he can't go to college because, you know, of his stupidity. But who can spot the loophole? Yes, that's right Louise. He won't get into his backup college, but he'll get into Harvard thanks to his Klass Klown behaviour a few weeks ago. So this supposed tension doesn't work either.
Now, if we can't get a BH90210 person to show up and make this show interesting (heck, even Jim and Cindy would do!), then at least bring Crazy Andy back. I miss Crazy Andy and how she would do something crazy and then cry a lot about it. We need that.
Anyway, I'm talking rubbish now... the show was awful, awful, awful. I'm going to put the video right at the bottom of my Dawson pile and mark it with a big black 'Q' for 'quite 'orrible'.
Next week: Paceman finally puts the hard word on Ah Joey. Ah Joey, he says, we were in a boat together for three months and I read your stupid little book with you... now, I just want to do something with our naughty bits. And PBS tries to have her way with Mr Tosser, but his mother says 'no', so that should at least be mildly amusing - Zeus knows it can't be any worse than this episode.
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.4 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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