Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Once again, Dawson isa bit of a let-down. Perhapsthey’re just trying toohard.

We begin with ThePaceman and Mr Tosser sittin’ on thedock of the bay fishing like Ah Joeyhad never spurned one for the other. MrTosser tells The Paceman that he wantsto nail his sister. ‘I didn’teven know you had a sister,’ saysPaceman. ‘No,’ says Mr Tosser.’Not my sister, your sister!’ ‘Ah,’says Paceman, the notion sinking in.’No, I don’t think so,’ he finallyadds. ‘Too bad,’ says Mr Tosser. ‘Thatwill teach you to steal my chick’ andthen he runs off,giggling.

Meanwhile, Ah Joeyand mean old Bruce Wayne are puttingstuff in a storeroom (somestuff that needs to be stored, to beprecise). As one might expect,the door slams shut and the two of themare locked in there. Ohno!

Paceman, having heardof Mr Tosser’s lewd plans for hissister drives her as far away aspossible - back to herex-boyfriend’s house. He thentakes the ex-boyfriend aside and slipshim $50 and suggests he show his sistera ‘really good time’ and thenmakes thrusting motions with hiships. ‘Gee, if I have to,’says ex-boyfriend, admiring thebabe-ishness of Paceman’s Babe Sister,which continues to increaseweek by week.

Mr Tosser, obliviousto Paceman’s pimping behaviour issticking his nose into thebusiness of Grams and the Grumpy OldDirector, who are quitedetermined to get as high as theypossibly can and screw until one ofthem dies. ‘Ew,’ says Mr Tosser. ‘Now,Grams, you be careful. Men canbe mighty naughty.’

‘Mr Tosser,’ saysGrams. ‘Are you so protective ofChipmunk Face (who, BTW, is offsick this episode) when shegoes out with men?’

‘No, butshe’s so slutty that I don’thave to worry.’

‘Well, so am I,’assures Grams. ‘So am I.’

‘Well, okaythen,’ says Mr Tosser, andgoes off happily.

… PBS’s ex-boyfriendand Paceman are … both loungingaround nude in a convenient hottub …

Meanwhile, back atPBS’s ex-boyfriend’s place, a party haserupted into action. PBS’s ex-boyfriendand Paceman are getting alongsplendidly, both loungingaround nude in a convenient hottub, chatting about women socute that it doesn’t seem technicallypossible for them to exist.’You should see my wench,’ saysPaceman. ‘She’s a hottie.’

Speaking of which, AhJoey has somehow managed toclimb a ladder in the storeroom andfall off it. Like thesuperhero he will eventually become,young Bruce Wayne jumps to her rescueand catches her. Seizing the moment, heapplies a little tongue action to AhJoey. His reward? A punch inthe mouth. Poor old BruceWayne. What kind of sick societydoesn’t allow superheroes to pashdamsels in distress once rescued?

Gay Jack, in caseyou’re wondering, is just sitting in MrTosser’s room, making anuisance of himself.

Anyway, PBS’s exeventually says something too repellenteven for Paceman to stomach, so Pacemandecides he doesn’t like him any more.But PBS has changed hermind. ‘I need some of hismajestic lovin’ she reveals and headsup to the bedroom with him.

But, like therather annoying tease that sheis, PBS then changes her mind. Her exresponds by deliberately fallingasleep. He’s got Paceman’s fiftydollars. What does hecare?

The next day Pacemanand PBS drive home and PBSfinds a letter written to her by MrTosser, when he was aged four.‘PBS,’ it says. ‘You are so choice. Ilike you. I also like fire trucks. Iwish that you and me could fly and thatTerence Trent Darby was dead.You’re a robo-babe.When I grow up, I’m gonna bonk yousilly.’

PBS smiles, doesn’trealise that the letter was written bya four year old Mr Tosser, and so goesover and sticks her tongue downMr Tosser’s throat again.

And that’s all. Ohyeah, Ah Joey got out of the storeroomwhen it was revealed that BruceWayne had a mobile phone.Brilliant! Still, nothing toospectacular in the episode. But on theplus side, no Chipmunk Facethis week either.

Next Week: Chipmunk Face no doubt comesback. Sigh. And I’m betting that PBSchanges her mindagain.

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