THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 4
Score: 7.7 / 10 
1: Dawson Remains A Tosser
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Well, you know it's a new series of Dawson when, before the opening credits have even commenced, somebody (in this case, The Paceman) has used the word 'ennui' correctly in a sentence. Despite this outstanding start, however, he almost brought himself undone by proposing that he and Ah Joey just sail out of this year's series altogether. Ah Joey pointed out to him that the show could not possibly survive without her irrepressible cuteness. The Paceman was forced to concede the point and the two of them sailed back into Capeside and the opening credits.
Then we cut to Kid Flash and Gay Jack in a hardware store (of all places). They are buying paint as they are on a door-to-door neighbourhood painting scheme as part of their school holidays. Some new babe comes in and asks Kid Flash where the lightbulbs are. He makes some lame lightbulb joke (ie 'How many Dawsons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?' 'None. Dawson doesn't screw anything, because he has no penis!' Hahaha!) Gay Jack asks who the new babe is, Kid Flash explains that it's Paceman's older sister and that she was the first person to ever give him a proper man-style woodie (presumably in the days when he did have a penis). Gay Jack mentions that chicks don't give him woodies. Yes, Jack, I know, says Dawson.
Meanwhile Chipmunk Face and Crazy Andy are at the beach. Crazy Andy is complaining because nobody has done anything lewd to her all summer. Chipmunk Face explains that 'it's not enough to look like a whore, you have to act like one, too' and further points out that just because her lame-ass Chipmunk boyfriend has been collecting footy cards at camp all summer that still hasn't stopped her from behaving like a common tramp. Crazy Andy decides to emulate Chipmunk Face's slutty example and goes over to chat up two guys who are French and conveniently coloured in differently so she can tell them apart.
"Crazy Andy continues to show the black and white Frenchmen around town ..."
So, we do the usual stuff. Ah Joey and Paceman try to move back in to their homes but their rooms have both been sold off. Chipmunk Face invites Ah Joey to come watch Jaws with them at the local shark pool. And Crazy Andy continues to show the black and white Frenchmen around town while wearing nothing but a very interesting bikini.
Eventually Ah Joey and The Paceman show up to watch Jaws. Kid Flash has a major jealousy spasm and runs off very (very) quickly. Paceman makes himself scarce. Gay Jack goes and talks to Ah Joey. Chipmunk Face goes and talks to Kid Flash and says 'Kid Flash, go talk to her' 'Don't wanna' mopes the young Flash lad. 'If you won't do it for her, do it for me' says Chipmunk Face. Dawson snorts in derision. 'My god,' he says. 'What makes you think I'll do it for you if I won't do it for Ah Joey? She means so much more to me than you ever will' Despite this, he does talk to her. They both say 'Hi', Kid Flash tries to be kinda amiable and then goes away and has a vomit.
Paceman suddenly has a little jealousy spasm also and whines to Ah Joey. 'What's up your oddly shaven head?' she asks (Paceman has foolishly shaven his head, to look more like some kind of hoop-shootin' homeboy). Paceman says 'Yooo-oou were talking to Daaawwww-sooonn'
Ah Joey then goes on to explain that while maybe her mind has been on Kid Flash for a couple of weeks (due primarily to the fact that she has been cooped up for three months with Paceman who has the mental prowess of a small cocker spaniel), her nether regions have never stopped yearning for Paceman. Well, that will do me, says Paceman.
And Ah Joey gave Dawson a brick, just to let him know that she couldn't be bothered putting any thought into any kind of present for him at all.
Oh yeah. And one of Crazy Andy's French boyfriends wasn't French. Man, that is crazy! She still let him slip the tongue however, because she's determined to be as morally loose as Chipmunk Face.
All in all, a fine return. I give it an 8.5 (very good considering the high degree of difficulty).
Next week: Dawson continues to be pathetic and jealous. Paceman's hair grows a little.
(Oh, also, at one point, Kid Flash claimed that his summer with Crazy Andy, Chipmunk Face and Gay Jack was one of the best of his life!?! How implausible and sad is that?!?)
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.7 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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