THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.8 / 10 
9: A Dawson's Creek Comedy of Errors
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
Opening scene has The Paceman and Chipmunk Face trying to consummate their lewd 'sex without commitment' philosophy. For reasons not totally explained, they were trying to do so in Dawson's bed during the middle of the day. Before they could get anywhere however, Dawson came home following an unexpected dentist appointment and almost caught the pair of them at it. In fact, he only caught The Paceman at it - although The Paceman pretended that he'd just popped in to play some video games. Using the speed of thought for which Kid Dawson Flash is rightly famous, Dawson pointed out that The Paceman was only wearing one shoe and expressed doubt about the veracity of The Paceman's claims. His doubts were strengthened further that night when he discovered an (unused) condom. Hmmm, thought Kid Flash, something is very much afoot.
Meanwhile, Gay Jack has learned how to use Instant Messenger and found a gay friend to talk to. Crazy Andy encourages this in her cute, crazy fashion.
The Paceman is called in to see the guidance counselor who looks like an older Doogie Howser. Doogie Howser, School Counselor informs The Paceman that he's failing Maths. The Paceman responds by asking Ah Joey (who had an extremely cute ponytail thing going full blaze) to tutor him. 'Sure,' says Ah Joey. 'Provided you be my dance partner to help me win a scholarship.' (I have no idea how this was supposed to work.)
So, then we have secrecy and subterfuge as Kid Flash gets completely the wrong idea. He knows about the condom. He knows The Paceman is bonking somebody and then when he sees Ah Joey and The Paceman spending muchos time together, he runs very swiftly (as one would expect) to the wrong conclusion. Very humorous misunderstandings. I'm sure you can imagine.
Meanwhile, Gay Jack has organised a date with his gay friend.
"The Paceman and Ah Joey are in the early stages of Lust City ..."
Now, Dawson and Chipmunk Face follow The Paceman and Ah Joey into the dance classes and, you wouldn't believe it, but they're roped into joining the class as well. The Dance Instructor makes the observation (for no immediately obvious reason) that The Paceman and Ah Joey are in the early stages of Lust City (this is based on her theory that couples who dance poorly are secretly hot for one another). Dawson is obviously just going totally mental by this stage.
Confrontations ensue as the dancers swap partners. Kid Flash starts dancing with The Paceman (haha!) and asks what's going on. The Paceman avoids the question and says 'Look, Dawson, Joey is a fucking (he said 'freaking' but I'm translating into non-TV speak here) goddess. Now, you may not want to bonk her for reasons that elude the vast majority of humanity, but sooner or later somebody's going to come steal her away from you. So -' and then he slapped him on the forehead. (Not really, but he might as well have done so.)
Then The Paceman and Chipmunk Face run into the cloak room and start playing some tonsil hockey. Kid Flash and Ah Joey catch them at it and all falls into place in Dawson's tiny little mind. Ah Joey loses it completely, chastising The Paceman and accusing Chipmunk Face of being a slutty little chipmunk. Then she runs off. Kid Flash gives her an enormous head start, then runs after her, catching her almost instantly - due primarily to the fact that he can run at the speed of light.
Chipmunk Face then gets shitty at The Paceman and points out that Ah Joey's over-reaction to their (Pacey and Chipmunk's) tonsil hockey and the fact that Paceman confided something or other in Ah Joey means that the insane dance teacher was right and The Paceman and Ah Joey are hot to trot. No way, says The Paceman. Way, says Chipmunk Face. 'What has she got?' asks Chipmunk Face. 'Why do boys want her so badly?' Paceman assumes the question is rhetorical and doesn't answer.
Meanwhile, Gay Jack has chickened out and stood up his gay friend. What a little creep.
Then Ah Joey goes and apologises to The Paceman for blowing up at him and they discover that the dancing scholarship never existed anyway - it was just some form of plot device for a series of humorous misunderstandings.
And that's all. Very excellent episode. I give it a solid 'Excellent' (by way of proof).
Okay, next week: The kids are off to University Orientation Day (apparently several months early). Should be another barrel of things that resemble laughs.
Begone,
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