THE DAWSON FILES SEASON 3
Score: 7.4 / 10 
6: A Chipmunk As Homecoming Queen
Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard
An excellent Dawson this week. It has been revealed that Dawson's dad played The Flash in the movie and TV series of the same name. This is news of the highest order.
Okay, here we go. Chipmunk Face is Homecoming Queen (or HQ as it is rapidly dubbed) and she therefore has to organise the HQ Memorial Ball for all the old HQs of Capeside who return to their spawning place once a year for this event (much like trout, I suspect). So Chipmunk Face has to meet up with the oldest HQ and plan the ball. Old HQ shows her the secret handshake, Chipmunk Face says that she's bored silly with the notion and goes to leave. But as she leaves who should be there but the Leonardo di Caprio Chipmunk Quarterback, who's the old HQ's personal handyman. LdCCQB concocts some ridiculous story about a bee attack and tricks Chipmunk Face into planning the Memorial Ball with old HQ.
Meanwhile, Dawson's mum (Mrs Flash) is back in town. Because she's an old HQ herself. Also, she's been fired from her job but that's not revealed until later. She needs a date to the Memorial Ball so asks Dawson (Kid Flash), right in front of Dawson's dad (the original Flash). The Flash is humiliated and runs off (incredibly quickly).
Joey tells Crazy Andy that the guy she's seeing (Joey's ex-boss) is a creep. Andy doesn't listen and wouldn't you know it but next thing we know there's a late night phone call to where Joey and Pacey are building Joey's shop with their bare hands. Tears flow from Crazy Andy, Pacey and Joey investigate, a tale of near-rape is told and Pacey goes and punches Ex-Boss in the head.
"Pacey's Wee Willy Wonka rules the day ..."
Then Crazy Andy doesn't want to be alone, and asks Pacey to look after her, which he does. She also asks if he can service her. Despite his better judgement, Pacey's Wee Willy Wonka rules the day and some tonsil hockey ensues.
Crazy Andy is delirious with joy the next day because she and The Paceman are back together. Joey's on her case, saying 'we should bust Ex-Boss with the pigs, big-time, Crazy Andy'. 'Nah, let's not bother. Perhaps some good came out of this heinous event,' says Crazy Andy. A few dominoes fall in Joey's little razor-sharp mind and she looks all concerned and ponderous and cute.
Chipmunk Face invites LdCCQB to the ball where the entertainment she's organised is a whole heap of drag queens. There's some hidden subtext there, but it was way too effectively hidden for me to find, despite Chipmunk Face's best attempts to explain it. Old HQ has a chat to Chipmunk Face and asks if she returns LdCCQB's affections. 'No way,' says Chipmunk Face. 'Then dump his sorry ass,' says Old HQ and then goes into a ramblefest about how she almost married an undertaker or a zombie or something. Kinda blanked out at that point.
So, dumpin' hour ensues. Chipmunk Face dumps LdCCQB who mopes about how his heart has been broken. Chipmunk Face mutters some nonsense about how she hates herself. Meanwhile, Pacey has dumped Crazy Andy, citing 'mistakes' and using an overly elaborate boat metaphor. Crazy Andy's lunatic notch moves one level higher, and she cries and then rags on Joey, which is unnecessary. She then admits that she made up the near-rape story. 'Well, duh,' says Joey.
I think that's it. Gay Jack was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he's not only gay but invisible as well.
Next Week: The Dawson's Creek Players do the Blair Witch Project. Can Kid Flash and the junior justice league defeat the forces of the evil Hypemaster?
Begone,
This here item has so far scored 7.4 / 10 on the patented Astonishing Tales Funny-o-meter.
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